It does sound like a difficult tow situation and I've definitely been there in unfavorable gusty winds. Been there in a solo car too with RTT, heavily laden for extended trips where winds become a factor. Aero is near the top of my list as I consider trade-offs with mods and a big reason I strive to keep stock tupperwear. Slowing down is sane compensation when winds are working hard against you. If it's 15-25mph headwinds on top of 70mph travel speeds, that's potentially into 85-95 relative aero loads which gets insane compounded with trailer loads.
While the 8-speed has great deep gearing, your tow performance is surely impacted by upsized tires. It's almost a 10% change in gearing. While you can always grab a lower gear, the torque converter logic is going to be outside of its tuning as you're finding. Torque converter lockup in itself can result in 1-2 MPG loss on longer stretches. I do hope we'll find more flexibility for transmission tuning in the near future. I think for now, all we have is real mechanical re-gear changes or possibly even a lock-up kit?
Personally, those transmission temps are fine and nowhere near the danger zone for modern fluids, even for extended legs. Towing is work and demands hp which create more load and heat. Slowing down is always a reasonable option but there's already compensation logic to protect from the real temps that destroy fluid and hardware. It can get to a point that the computer will aggressively lockup in low gears, all the way down to even 2nd (in my 6-speed) where temps will moderate significantly. And sure, you'll want to be on the severe duty service interval with significant towing. You can add a secondary aux tranny cooler, which I did not so much for this situation, but for extended climbs towing 8k lbs. That won't solve the MPG efficiency though as lockup is the key factor there. Yet lockup (or the lack thereof), is a tool the transmission uses to create more gearing (as demanded by the gas pedal) even in gear if that makes sense. The added slip is an intermediate gear between physical gears.
Back to aero impacts as we talked about this in another thread, but as much as you can, you want your trailer level at freeway speeds when AHC lowers, to maximize aero efficiency.