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Monday Chuckle (1 Viewer)
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A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:"Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. -Your Husband"When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:"Dear Husband: You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18- year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."..
Headin' out?
KOWBOY
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On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"
Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"
Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
so, what if i didnt' actually kill that elk that the jerky i'm eating is made of, but it's not store bought either
Green Lantern
Have Truck, Will Travel
A repost.... but still appropriate.
(It's really funny to me that the fella that wrote this couldn't stop at 10)
THE TOP 31 THINGS THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:
31. When I retire, I'm movin' north.
30. Oh I just couldn't go out with her, she's only sixteen.
29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
28. Duct tape won't fix that.
27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken
26. We don't keep firearms in this house.
25. You can't feed that to the dog.
24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
23. Wrestling is fake.
22. We're vegetarians.
21. Do you think my gut is too big?
20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
19. Honey, we don't need another dog.
18. Who cares who won the Civil War?
17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
14. Trim the fat off that steak.
13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
12. The tires on that truck are too big.
11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE.
10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
9. My fiancé, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
8. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
7. Checkmate
6. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
5. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
4. I don't have a favorite college team.
3. You Guys.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:
1. Nope, no more beer for me. I'm driving a whole bus load of us down to re-elect OBAMA!
(It's really funny to me that the fella that wrote this couldn't stop at 10)
THE TOP 31 THINGS THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:
31. When I retire, I'm movin' north.
30. Oh I just couldn't go out with her, she's only sixteen.
29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
28. Duct tape won't fix that.
27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken
26. We don't keep firearms in this house.
25. You can't feed that to the dog.
24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
23. Wrestling is fake.
22. We're vegetarians.
21. Do you think my gut is too big?
20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
19. Honey, we don't need another dog.
18. Who cares who won the Civil War?
17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
14. Trim the fat off that steak.
13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
12. The tires on that truck are too big.
11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE.
10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
9. My fiancé, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
8. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
7. Checkmate
6. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
5. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
4. I don't have a favorite college team.
3. You Guys.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:
1. Nope, no more beer for me. I'm driving a whole bus load of us down to re-elect OBAMA!
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For Kowboy.....
KOWBOY
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Texican
s-Moderator
- Thread starter
- #810
Hollywood Squares:
These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now.
Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..
Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q.. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it..
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A.. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q.. Paul, why do heck's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures..
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the NAVY
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A.. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions.
What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now.
Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..
Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q.. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it..
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A.. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q.. Paul, why do heck's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures..
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the NAVY
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A.. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions.
What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
^ Awesome
KOWBOY
President
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1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand On the watch Called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled In the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12.. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13.. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17.. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21.. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25.. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
2. Why is the third hand On the watch Called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled In the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12.. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13.. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17.. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21.. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25.. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
Texican
s-Moderator
- Thread starter
- #813
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just
HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job!"
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
Chauffeur and bodyguard......for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to
Drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL550 and he will supply all of
Your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll
also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday
Trips.... And this is rather awkward to say, but you will also have to,
As part of your job assignment, satisfy her sexual urges as the
Daughter is in her mid-20s and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well ...... You started it."
He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just
HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job!"
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
Chauffeur and bodyguard......for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to
Drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL550 and he will supply all of
Your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll
also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday
Trips.... And this is rather awkward to say, but you will also have to,
As part of your job assignment, satisfy her sexual urges as the
Daughter is in her mid-20s and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well ...... You started it."
Kowboy I don't know if anyone has told you this story yet or not but at the time I thought it was quite funny.
I had a parts swap last month at my place here in Greenville, SC. One of the guys told me about an encounter with someone he talked to on his way down. This guy had stopped up the street from me at a BP gas station and got out to get something to drink. Went to the counter and the lady behind the counter told him he had a nice cruiser. Guy said thanks. Lady then asked him if he knew Kowboy from Texas. Kind of threw the guy back but he said yes. How do you know him. She said she used to date you or know you, I cannot remember. How funny is that. Know anyone that lives in Greenville?
I had a parts swap last month at my place here in Greenville, SC. One of the guys told me about an encounter with someone he talked to on his way down. This guy had stopped up the street from me at a BP gas station and got out to get something to drink. Went to the counter and the lady behind the counter told him he had a nice cruiser. Guy said thanks. Lady then asked him if he knew Kowboy from Texas. Kind of threw the guy back but he said yes. How do you know him. She said she used to date you or know you, I cannot remember. How funny is that. Know anyone that lives in Greenville?
KOWBOY
President
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Absolutely! That's Debbie ... she went to a whole bunch of events with me. She now lives 'round those parts.
Small world.
After Jake watched the baptizing of his baby brother in church,
He sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
I asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, he told me ,
'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
and I said I wanted to stay with you guys
Doctor Bob had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:
"Bob, don't worry about it".
"You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of their patients and you won'...t be the last. And you're single. Just let it go..."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality,
whispering:......
"Bob...........
"You're a vet".
I would like to share an experience with you about
drinking and driving. As you well know, some folks have
been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our
way home from the odd social engagement over the years.
Well, I have done something about it: a couple of nights
... ago I was out for a few drinks with some buddies and had a
more than I should have. We had some beers earlier in the
day, a few Crowns before dinner and several glasses of
wine with dinner. Knowing full well I may have been
slightly over the limit, I did something I had never done
before…I took a bus home. I arrived back home safe and
sound without incident, which was a real surprise.
I had never driven a bus before and am not sure where I
got this one.
He sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
I asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, he told me ,
'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
and I said I wanted to stay with you guys
Doctor Bob had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:
"Bob, don't worry about it".
"You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of their patients and you won'...t be the last. And you're single. Just let it go..."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality,
whispering:......
"Bob...........
"You're a vet".
I would like to share an experience with you about
drinking and driving. As you well know, some folks have
been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our
way home from the odd social engagement over the years.
Well, I have done something about it: a couple of nights
... ago I was out for a few drinks with some buddies and had a
more than I should have. We had some beers earlier in the
day, a few Crowns before dinner and several glasses of
wine with dinner. Knowing full well I may have been
slightly over the limit, I did something I had never done
before…I took a bus home. I arrived back home safe and
sound without incident, which was a real surprise.
I had never driven a bus before and am not sure where I
got this one.
KOWBOY
President
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A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy. "When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your a******. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious: you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar."
"Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again.
"What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!"
"Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," said the patient.
"What in the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass..."
"Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again.
"What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!"
"Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," said the patient.
"What in the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass..."
