Monday Chuckle

KOWBOY

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Joined
Mar 21, 2005
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5,752
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Diggin' mud
An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After awhile, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.
One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"
Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."
"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."
God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"
Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

:flamingo:
 

KOWBOY

President
 
Joined
Mar 21, 2005
Messages
5,752
Location
Diggin' mud
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for.'

:flamingo:
 

smtyblt

 
Joined
Mar 25, 2005
Messages
1,450
Location
Everywhere
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for.'

:flamingo:
Thats Funny s*** right there I dont care who you are:flipoff2:
 
Joined
May 16, 2006
Messages
124
Location
Wherever Dhondagod is....
Why you shouldn't talk on your cell phone while in the bathroom!!

I saw this on another site and thought it was hilarious!

----------------------------------------

All in all, it hadn't been a good day. Bad traffic, a malfunctioning computer, incompetent coworkers and a sore back all made me a seething cauldron of rage. But more importantly for this story, it had been over forty-eight hours since I'd last taken a dump. I'd tried to jumpstart the process, beginning my day with a bowl of bowel-cleansing fiber cereal, following it with six cups of coffee at work, and adding a bean-laden lunch at Taco Bell. As I was returning home from work, my insides let me know with subtle rumbles and the emission of the occasional tiny fart that Big Things would be happening soon. Alas, I had to stop at the mall to pick up an order. I completed this task, and as I was walking past the stores on my way back to the car, I noticed a large sale sign proclaiming, "Everything Must Go!" This was prophetic, for my colon informed me with a sudden violent cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was indeed about to go. I hurried to the mall bathroom. I surveyed the five stalls, which I have numbered 0 through 4 (I write a lot of software) for your convenience:

0.Occupied

1.Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as it's next to the occupied one.

2.Poo on seat.

3.Poo and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered on seat.

4.No toilet paper, no stall door, unidentifiable sticky object near base of toilet.

Clearly, it had to be Stall #1. I trudged back, entered, dropped trou and sat down. I'm normally a fairly Shameful "Pooper". I wasn't happy about being next to the occupied stall, but Big Things were afoot.

I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweet sounds of Beethoven came from next door, followed by a fumbling, and then the sound of a voice answering the ringing phone. As usual for a cell phone conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB louder than it needed to be. Out of Shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut. The inane conversation went on and on. Mr. Pooper was blathering to Mrs. Pooper about the $hitty day he had. I sat there, cramping and miserable, waiting for him to finish. As the loud conversation dragged on, I became angrier and angrier, thinking that I, too, had a crappy day, but I was too polite to yak about in public. My bowels let me know in no uncertain terms that if I didn't get crapping soon, my day would be getting even crappier.


Finally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamefulness. I no longer cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder in one hand, braced my other hand against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was rewarded with a fart of colossal magnitude -- a cross between the sound of someone ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being torn off a wall. The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone, not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to hit resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook gently.

-

Once my cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze, three things became apparent: (1) The next-door conversation had ceased; (2) my colon's continued seizing indicated that there was more to come; and (3) the bathroom was now beset by a horrible, eldritch stench.

It was as if a gateway to Hell had been opened. The foul miasma quickly made its way under the stall and began choking my poop-mate. This initial "herald" fart had ended his conversation in mid-sentence.

"Oh my God," I heard him utter, following it with the suppressed sounds of choking, and then, "No, baby, that wasn't me (cough, gag), you could hear that (gag)??"

Next door I could hear fumbling with the paper dispenser as he desperately tried to finish his task. Little snatches of conversation made themselves heard over my anal symphony: "Gotta go... horrible... throw up... in my mouth.... not... make it... tell the kids... love them... oh God..." followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging and retching.

-

Alas, it is evidently difficulty to hold one's phone and wipe one's bum at the same time. Just as my high-pressure abuse of the toilet was winding down, I heard a plop and splash from next door, followed by a string of swear words and gags. My poop-mate had dropped his phone into the toilet.

After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed the damage. I felt bad for the janitor who'd be forced to deal with this, but I knew that flushing was not an option. No toilet in the world could handle that unholy mess. Flushing would only lead to a floor flooded with filth.

As I left, I glanced to the next-door stall. Nothing remained in the bowl. Had he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left the bathroom with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know.

I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and Shameless, looking around for a face glaring at me. But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my supernatural elimination has manged to transfer my Shamefulness to my anonymous poop-mate. I think it'll be a long time before he can bring himself to poop in public -- and I doubt he'll ever again answer his cell phone in the loo. And this, my friends, is why you should never talk on your phone in the bathroom.
 

KOWBOY

President
 
Joined
Mar 21, 2005
Messages
5,752
Location
Diggin' mud
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

:flamingo:
 

Fireman

 
 
Joined
Sep 5, 2003
Messages
5,454
Location
Iowa Park. TX
I see absolutely nothing wrong with that story except that he didn't get up and whoop the paramedics and his wife's asses.
 
Joined
Nov 20, 2006
Messages
151
Location
Whitewright, TX
A little boy woke up at night to use the bathroom.
On his way to the bathroom, he peeked thru the
key hole in his parents bedroom door and
says "And she gripes at me for sucking on my thumb!!":eek:
 

KOWBOY

President
 
Joined
Mar 21, 2005
Messages
5,752
Location
Diggin' mud
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did, and her hands warmed up. The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands. The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied, "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up". He did and warmed his nose. The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid." The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said," Why, yes...?! Why do you ask?" The daughter replies: "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?!

:flamingo:
 

Green Lantern

Have Truck, Will Travel
SILVER Star
 
 
 
Joined
Dec 18, 2002
Messages
1,341
Location
Fort Worth, Texas
A mystery cleared up

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a red dot on their foreheads.

We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their religion.

The true story has recently been revealed by the Indian Embassy in Washington, D.C. When one of these women gets married, she brings with her, a dowry.

On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the red dot to see if he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United States.
 

FJ60Cam

Supporting Vendor
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Joined
Nov 1, 2004
Messages
9,693
Location
Memphis, TN
A little Aussie humor...

I pulled an older woman at a club last night.
She was a right sort for 55, we drank a bit, had a bit of a snog & she asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter 3-some?
I said no.
We drank a bit more, then she says tonight was my lucky night.
I went back to her place.
She put the hall light on & and shouted upstairs: "Mum you still awake?"
 

Texican

s-Moderator
 
 
 
Joined
Dec 17, 2002
Messages
5,962
Location
Bonham Tx.
Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Texan are all working together one day.



They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

"I will give each on you one wish, which is three wishes in total", says the Genie.



The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada ."



POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.



Osama was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come in our our preciou s land."



POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.



The Texan says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."



The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable."



The Texan sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says, "Fill it with water."
 

KOWBOY

President
 
Joined
Mar 21, 2005
Messages
5,752
Location
Diggin' mud
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the Nun says, "pull into the next alley."
The Nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the Nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must tell you, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The Nun says, "that's OK. My name is Clutchee and I'm going to a Halloween party"


:flamingo:
 

KOWBOY

President
 
Joined
Mar 21, 2005
Messages
5,752
Location
Diggin' mud
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father , not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son . .
"Go get your mother."

:flamingo:
 

G-Cat

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Joined
Jan 2, 2003
Messages
4,793
Location
Georgia
How to capture an elephant:

1. Dig a large, elephant-sized hole.
2. Fill the hole with ashes...make it look like the ground around it.
3. Surround the hole with individual green peas.













































When the elephant comes to take a pea, kick him in the ash-hole.
 
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