I like that one DNP!
God help us if he is in office again.
Or should i say allah help us???
God help us if he is in office again.
Or should i say allah help us???
Jokes thread
- Thread starter dnp
- Start date
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These made me laugh:
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but,
by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
-----------------------------------------------------------
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers.
So, I did. She's 21 and her name's Lucy.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile"and other names at me,
just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
-----------------------------------------------------------
The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops.... although, they do make me look a bit gay.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Traveling Circus, a spokesman said "We'll have to get another man of the same caliber."
-----------------------------------------------------------
Just been to the gym.
They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great, though. It provides me with everything I need: Kit Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Chips, the lot.
-----------------------------------------------------------
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife
is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!
---------------------------------------------------
A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead".
The operator says, "How do you know?"
He says, "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
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My girlfriend says she thinks that I might be a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back."
And he says, "What do you expect? You're in a wheelchair!"
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I was explaining to my wife last night that, when you die, you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife has been missing a week now.
The police said to prepare for the worst.
So, I went down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
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I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod
after realizing that "i-Touch Kids" is not a good product name.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked
if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan .
I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway.
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but,
by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
-----------------------------------------------------------
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers.
So, I did. She's 21 and her name's Lucy.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile"and other names at me,
just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
-----------------------------------------------------------
The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops.... although, they do make me look a bit gay.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Traveling Circus, a spokesman said "We'll have to get another man of the same caliber."
-----------------------------------------------------------
Just been to the gym.
They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great, though. It provides me with everything I need: Kit Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Chips, the lot.
-----------------------------------------------------------
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife
is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!
---------------------------------------------------
A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead".
The operator says, "How do you know?"
He says, "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My girlfriend says she thinks that I might be a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back."
And he says, "What do you expect? You're in a wheelchair!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was explaining to my wife last night that, when you die, you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife has been missing a week now.
The police said to prepare for the worst.
So, I went down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod
after realizing that "i-Touch Kids" is not a good product name.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked
if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan .
I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway.
Nolen you just wrote a joke book.
Nice!
Just saw this one
Just saw this one
I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday,
Minding my own business,
Waiting on it to turn green.
A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims,
Shouting anti-American slogans,
With a half- burned American Flag duct taped on the trunk of their car
And a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side,
Stopped next to me.
The light changed, the Muslims praised Allah,
Shook their fists, hit the gas & darted off ahead of me.
Suddenly an 18-wheeler came speeding
Thru the intersection
& ran directly over their car,
Crushing it completely,
Killing everyone in the car.
For several minutes
I sat in my car thinking to myself,
"Man... That could have been me!"
So today;
Bright and early,
I went out and got a job
As a truck driver.
Minding my own business,
Waiting on it to turn green.
A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims,
Shouting anti-American slogans,
With a half- burned American Flag duct taped on the trunk of their car
And a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side,
Stopped next to me.
The light changed, the Muslims praised Allah,
Shook their fists, hit the gas & darted off ahead of me.
Suddenly an 18-wheeler came speeding
Thru the intersection
& ran directly over their car,
Crushing it completely,
Killing everyone in the car.
For several minutes
I sat in my car thinking to myself,
"Man... That could have been me!"
So today;
Bright and early,
I went out and got a job
As a truck driver.
Nice one Lenny!!!!!
that got a chuckle lenny.....nice
Nolen, was that from an email? Seen some of those before. Love the one about the penis enlarger.
70 year old guy goes to the doc for a checkup.
Doc asks him, "how is everything?"
Old guy says I 've been feeling pretty good lately.
I got lucky with a 21 year old gal, she was real nice. Did all kinds of things to me in the sack that i've only dreamed about.
Doc says, "wait , why are you telling me all this?"
Old guy says, " Oh... i am telling everbody!"
Doc asks him, "how is everything?"
Old guy says I 've been feeling pretty good lately.
I got lucky with a 21 year old gal, she was real nice. Did all kinds of things to me in the sack that i've only dreamed about.
Doc says, "wait , why are you telling me all this?"
Old guy says, " Oh... i am telling everbody!"
Texican
s-Moderator
Texican said:
Hilarious.
Texican
s-Moderator
crushers
post ho
love that second one ... priceless
Great Quote!
Deer Hunting Story...even if you don't care about hunting...Gotta Love Ted!
Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being interviewed by a liberal journalist, an animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked, 'What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my brother?
Nugent replied, 'Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the Democrats in Congress.'
The interview ended.
Deer Hunting Story...even if you don't care about hunting...Gotta Love Ted!
Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being interviewed by a liberal journalist, an animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked, 'What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my brother?
Nugent replied, 'Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the Democrats in Congress.'
The interview ended.
WOW....and its AP!!!!!
so professional.....sooo professional
Y'all need to change state name to that spelling. It is the way most people pronounce it.
ill see what I can do.
let's not discuss the fact that most "Missippi" readers would think this meant that we had a trash problem
An elderly patient goes to see the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have a problem where I silently pass gas. I silently pass gas when I'm trying to sleep, or watching TV or doing almost anything. In fact, I silently passed gas just now. Do you know what's wrong with me?
"Yes I do," the doctor replies.
"You need to get your hearing checked."
"Yes I do," the doctor replies.
"You need to get your hearing checked."