Texican
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Jokes thread
- Thread starter dnp
- Start date
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That guy cracks me up, Nolen.
Go away
Two of the best - I think.
Missing Missy
Overdue Account - Spider
Go away
Two of the best - I think.
Missing Missy
Overdue Account - Spider
- Thread starter
- #184
Never let an electrician have a Sharpie
dnp said:
Right click save awesomeness
- Thread starter
- #187
What you reckon prompted the idea with this guy? Still funny..........!
Hair Force One - Cats - Fox Nation
Hair Force One - Cats - Fox Nation
MScruiser
obsessive-compulsive oppositional-defiant wise-ass
From the inside of a 40 of all places:
euclid
SILVER Star
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. after a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. after a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
Nice clean joke.....I wish I could remember jokes.....
- Thread starter
- #191
My Dad's favorite joke (who, by the way - at age 88 - just qualified for entry into the club....he recently bought an '06 LX470. Gotta see if he wants to join and go wheeling with us!)
One day Phil was in a bar in Kansas City and struck up a conversation with a local named Jim Buckshaw, who claimed he knew everyone.......everyone in the world!
"That's impossible," said Phil. "Nobody can know everyone in the world!"
"Well, I do," said Jim. "And I'll prove it to you. Let's go."
So they started walking, and everywhere they went people said "Hey, Jim!"
"See?" said Jim.
"So you know everybody in this town," said Phil, "but that doesn't prove you know everyone in the world."
Next, they hopped a bus to Hollywood, and even everyone on the bus knew Jim. They went to the airport, and the stewardesses all knew Jim by name. The pilot came out and shook Jim's hand, glad to see him.
Once they arrived in Hollywood, not only did the cab driver know Jim's name, at every movie studio they visited, all the stage hands and the movie stars new Jim......but still Phil wasn't convinced.
"So, you know a lot of people in this country," said Phil, "but it's still impossible to know everyone in the world." "Ok," said Jim, "what would convince you that I DO know everyone?" Phil thought for a minute, "Take me to meet the Pope. There's NO way you know him."
So, they flew to Italy, and went straight to the Vatican. Jim said, "Now the Pope is sort of a private fellow, and he's not real big on me bringing guests with me. So, to prove to you that I do, in fact, know the Pope, I'm going to come out with him on that balcony right there, and we'll wave to you. Certainly when you see I know the Pope, you'll acknowledge I know everyone in the world." Well, Phil was impressed but still didn't believe Jim's claim. He waited outside for a while and soon crowds of people began to form, having heard the Pope would be making an appearance. As the crowds swelled, Phil got pushed way back from the cathedral. Not long after, he saw two people emerge on the balcony and start to wave, but he was so far back at that point that he couldn't see the individuals very clearly. He asked the man next to him, "Excuse me, can you see who that is on the balcony up there?"
"Well, I can't make out who the guy in the skull cap is, but the other guy is Jim Buckshaw from Kansas City..."
Badda bing!
One day Phil was in a bar in Kansas City and struck up a conversation with a local named Jim Buckshaw, who claimed he knew everyone.......everyone in the world!
"That's impossible," said Phil. "Nobody can know everyone in the world!"
"Well, I do," said Jim. "And I'll prove it to you. Let's go."
So they started walking, and everywhere they went people said "Hey, Jim!"
"See?" said Jim.
"So you know everybody in this town," said Phil, "but that doesn't prove you know everyone in the world."
Next, they hopped a bus to Hollywood, and even everyone on the bus knew Jim. They went to the airport, and the stewardesses all knew Jim by name. The pilot came out and shook Jim's hand, glad to see him.
Once they arrived in Hollywood, not only did the cab driver know Jim's name, at every movie studio they visited, all the stage hands and the movie stars new Jim......but still Phil wasn't convinced.
"So, you know a lot of people in this country," said Phil, "but it's still impossible to know everyone in the world." "Ok," said Jim, "what would convince you that I DO know everyone?" Phil thought for a minute, "Take me to meet the Pope. There's NO way you know him."
So, they flew to Italy, and went straight to the Vatican. Jim said, "Now the Pope is sort of a private fellow, and he's not real big on me bringing guests with me. So, to prove to you that I do, in fact, know the Pope, I'm going to come out with him on that balcony right there, and we'll wave to you. Certainly when you see I know the Pope, you'll acknowledge I know everyone in the world." Well, Phil was impressed but still didn't believe Jim's claim. He waited outside for a while and soon crowds of people began to form, having heard the Pope would be making an appearance. As the crowds swelled, Phil got pushed way back from the cathedral. Not long after, he saw two people emerge on the balcony and start to wave, but he was so far back at that point that he couldn't see the individuals very clearly. He asked the man next to him, "Excuse me, can you see who that is on the balcony up there?"
"Well, I can't make out who the guy in the skull cap is, but the other guy is Jim Buckshaw from Kansas City..."
Badda bing!
Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one Day.
As they walk, they come across a sign:
"Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."
"I am entering" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her,
"Well, how'd ya do?
" First Place ," said Snow White..
They continue walking and they see a sign:
"Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
" First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"
They continue walking when they see a sign:
"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio says "this is mine"
Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Who the hell is Obama?" asked Pinocchio
As they walk, they come across a sign:
"Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."
"I am entering" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her,
"Well, how'd ya do?
" First Place ," said Snow White..
They continue walking and they see a sign:
"Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
" First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"
They continue walking when they see a sign:
"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio says "this is mine"
Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Who the hell is Obama?" asked Pinocchio
Dreaded phone call....
My boss phoned me today, he said, "Is everything okay at the office?"
I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped."
"Can you do me a favor?" he asked.
I said, "Of course, what is it?"
"Speed it up a little, I'm in the foursome behind you".
My boss phoned me today, he said, "Is everything okay at the office?"
I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped."
"Can you do me a favor?" he asked.
I said, "Of course, what is it?"
"Speed it up a little, I'm in the foursome behind you".
[FONT="]The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. '[/FONT][FONT="]Hello[/FONT][FONT="] ?[/FONT][FONT="] ' 'Is your daddy home?' '[/FONT][FONT="]Yes, he's out in the garden[/FONT][FONT="] ,' whispered the small voice. 'May I talk with him?' The child whispered, '[/FONT][FONT="]No[/FONT][FONT="] .' ; So the boss asked, 'Well, is your Mommy there?' '[/FONT][FONT="]Yes, she's out in the garden too[/FONT][FONT="] '& The boss asked; 'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, '[/FONT][FONT="]No[/FONT][FONT="] .' Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?' '[/FONT][FONT="]Yes[/FONT][FONT="] ,[/FONT][FONT="]' whispered the child, '[/FONT][FONT="]a policeman[/FONT][FONT="]..[/FONT][FONT="] '
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?' '[/FONT][FONT="]No, he's busy[/FONT][FONT="] ,[/FONT][FONT="] ' whispered the child. 'Busy doing what?' '[/FONT][FONT="] Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog men.[/FONT][FONT="] ' Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?' '[/FONT][FONT="]It's a helicopter[/FONT][FONT="] ' answered the whispering voice. 'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. ' [/FONT][FONT="]The search team just landed a helicopter[/FONT][FONT="] ' 'A[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="]search team?' said the boss. 'What are they searching for?' Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle.... '[/FONT][FONT="] ME[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="]' [/FONT]
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?' '[/FONT][FONT="]No, he's busy[/FONT][FONT="] ,[/FONT][FONT="] ' whispered the child. 'Busy doing what?' '[/FONT][FONT="] Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog men.[/FONT][FONT="] ' Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?' '[/FONT][FONT="]It's a helicopter[/FONT][FONT="] ' answered the whispering voice. 'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. ' [/FONT][FONT="]The search team just landed a helicopter[/FONT][FONT="] ' 'A[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="]search team?' said the boss. 'What are they searching for?' Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle.... '[/FONT][FONT="] ME[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="]' [/FONT]
Nice and clean and stolen!
X2.....I like both those....
ersehseth
- Thread starter
- #199
no image or link. Email says it's from Pirate, but even when I log in, it says I don't have permission
I sees it.