Jokes thread

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dnp

dnp

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OK, it's been my observation that you guys (and girls) have some of the best senses of humor I've ever seen. Therefore, it only seems right that we should have an ongoing "jokes" thread. We all run across funny stuff each day, and though the moderators will surely define the tone, I say "post 'em up!" Here's a benign one:

Sitting together on a train were Obama, George W. Bush, a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large boobs.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks: Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.

The blonde girl thinks: Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him.

Obama thinks: Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

George Bush thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can slap the s*** out of Obama again!
 
jokes?
Greg_Underpainting_1.webp
 
tcb said:
a full 98+% of the jokes I know would be instantly deleted by Greg...
Click to expand...

Yep me too.

Here is the cleanest one I can think of.

A horse walks into a bar.

Bartender says, " hey why the long face?"

How about a good ole chuck norris one.

Chuck norris walks into a forrest...

It was petrified.
 
What do you call 4 Spaniards that don't swim well?
























Quatro Cinco
 
On Valentine's Day, here's proof that all of us were born in the wrong generation!


Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his Father sat him down for a little chat.

He said, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night, in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.' ''

She did and said, "These are too big. I can't wear them."

I replied, " 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family, and I always will.' Letting her know, up front, is how you keep control of your woman in a marriage, and ever since that night, we have never had any problems."

"Hmmm," said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.

So, on his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, "Here, try these on."

She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They don't fit me."

Mike said, "Exactly. I just wanted to let you know I wear the pants in this family, and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that!"

Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, "Here, you try on mine."

Mike did and said, "I can't get into your panties."

Karen said, "Exactly, and and if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will."



And that, my friends, is the bottom line!
 
There once was a woman from Bright,
Who traveled much faster than light.
She left home one day,
in a relative way,
and returned the previous night.

OK,now, think about it.........................
 
dnp said:
There once was a woman from Bright,
Who traveled much faster than light.
She left home one day,
in a relative way,
and returned the previous night.

OK,now, think about it.........................
Click to expand...

dam....she just got home last night.
 
dnp said:
There once was a woman from Bright,
Who traveled much faster than light.
She left home one day,
in a relative way,
and returned the previous night.

OK,now, think about it.........................
Click to expand...

i thought this was a joke thread.

DNP you gonna start walking with a cane and dress in green question mark tights, now?

Ok, now think about it...
 
Here ya go for you riddlers (hint hint)






The Queen's Riddle
Barack Obama met with the*Queen of*England.*

He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send*Tony Blair*in here, would you?"

The former Prime Minister, Tony Blair, walked into the room and said, "Yes, your Majesty?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony, your*mother and father*have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

Obama went back home to ask*Joe Biden, his vice president the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one..." He went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer. Finally, he ended up in the men's room and recognized*Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.

Biden asked Powell, "Colin, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yelled back, "That's easy, it's me!"

Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell!"

Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face,* "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

AND THAT MY FRIENDS IS PRECISELY*WHAT'S GOING ON IN*WASHINGTON*D.C.
**

*
 
SOUTH Declares War on the USA



The President was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.



"Hello, Mr.President a heavily accented southern voice said.

"This is Archie, down here at Joe's Catfish Shack, and I am callin' to

tell yall that we are officially declaring war on ya!"



"Well Archie," The President replied, "This is indeed important news!

How big is your army?"



"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is

myself, my cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole

dart team from Hooters. That makes eight!"



The President paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one

million men in my army waiting to move on my command."



"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have at call ya back!"



Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. Mr President,

the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry

equipment!"



"And what equipment would that be Archie?" The President asked.



"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harrys farm tractor."



The President sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have

16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've

increased my army to two million since we last spoke."



"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."



Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. Mr President! I

am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here

war."



"I'm sorry to hear that" said The President. "Why the sudden

change of heart?"



Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a

long chat over sweet tea, and come to realize that there's just no way

we can feed two million prisoners."
 
The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with Him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.


The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the Next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.

Bob sat up and watched me all night."
 
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