lol thats funny
Chuckle of the day...
- Thread starter TRchieD
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- Thread starter
- #162
We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still.
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of **** lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.....but Dad always had those cheap-o chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.....he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire...I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???)..
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things.. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clear
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still.
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of **** lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.....but Dad always had those cheap-o chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.....he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire...I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???)..
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things.. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clear
I was in Starbucks recently when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really loud so I timed my fart with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs I started to feel better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me…And suddenly I remembered - I was listening to my iPod…and how was your day?
After a couple of songs I started to feel better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me…And suddenly I remembered - I was listening to my iPod…and how was your day?
- Thread starter
- #164
Two sisters lived together, and one became quite ill. Her doctor told her she had but a short time to live.
She spoke to her sister and said, “Jennie, when I die and you put up a gravestone, I want you to inscribe it just the way I tell you. I want them to put my name on it and underneath: BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN.”
She died shortly thereafter, and Jennie went to the maker of the tombstone and explained what inscription she wanted. The gravestone maker told her that there were simply too many words to be put on the headstone.
Jennie complained that those were her sister’s dying request. The gravestone maker assured her that he would do his best.
After a month the gravestone maker called Jennie and told her the stone was ready, and that he had complied with her dead sister’s wishes as best he could.
Jennie looked at the tombstone and across the top was her sister’s name just as she asked, and underneath was printed.
“RETURNED – UNOPENED”
She spoke to her sister and said, “Jennie, when I die and you put up a gravestone, I want you to inscribe it just the way I tell you. I want them to put my name on it and underneath: BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN.”
She died shortly thereafter, and Jennie went to the maker of the tombstone and explained what inscription she wanted. The gravestone maker told her that there were simply too many words to be put on the headstone.
Jennie complained that those were her sister’s dying request. The gravestone maker assured her that he would do his best.
After a month the gravestone maker called Jennie and told her the stone was ready, and that he had complied with her dead sister’s wishes as best he could.
Jennie looked at the tombstone and across the top was her sister’s name just as she asked, and underneath was printed.
“RETURNED – UNOPENED”
crushers
post ho
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident, it's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man; that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! They're complete write offs, but fortunately we're unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
Relieved, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely! This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.
Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
Women, you can't trust them
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man; that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! They're complete write offs, but fortunately we're unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
Relieved, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely! This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.
Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
Women, you can't trust them
CruiseOrlando
Conveniently Enhanced
No, it doesn't
It doesn't mean what you think it means...
It doesn't mean what you think it means...
crushers
post ho
"do what ever the f*** you want"
anyone ever notice they never finish that sentence till AFTER you have done what you wanted?
talk about a run-on sentence!!
anyone ever notice they never finish that sentence till AFTER you have done what you wanted?
talk about a run-on sentence!!
- Thread starter
- #168
A man was walking through a rather seedy section of town, when a bum walked up to him and asked the man for two dollars.
The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"
The bum replied, "No."
Then the man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"
The bum said, "No."
Then the man asked the bum, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"
The bum replied, "No."
Then the man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"
The bum said, "No."
Then the man asked the bum, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
Here I sit in fumes and vapors ,
just found out there is no paper ,
but I'm not one to sit and linger ,
watch out butt here comes my finger !
just found out there is no paper ,
but I'm not one to sit and linger ,
watch out butt here comes my finger !
crushers
post ho
Mathematics:
This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint..it goes like this:
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But:
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bull**** and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now you know why some people are where they are!
This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint..it goes like this:
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But:
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bull**** and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now you know why some people are where they are!
crushers
post ho
Professor de Villiers at the University of Cape Town was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to his first year medical students.
Realising this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably out fishing with his mates!'
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.
Realising this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably out fishing with his mates!'
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.
crushers
post ho
Husband Down
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,’ he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,’ demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
‘What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'
He never knew what hit him.
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,’ he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,’ demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
‘What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'
He never knew what hit him.
crushers
post ho
Old Bob was on his way home from the pub when he fell over, banged his head and died, When he got to the pearly gates St Peter was there to greet him, Bob says "I can't be dead I'm too young to die, I have a wife and young family" St Peter says "well Bob I'm sorry but it's true, however I can reincarnate you into a chicken so you go back to earth" OK says Bob "that's good because our neighbours have chickens I can live there", and in flash Bob is turned into a chicken and living next door to his wife and children.
During his first day he gets incredible stomach ache and is yelling out in pain, suddenly the rooster appears and says " I haven't seen you here before, whats the matter ? Bob tells him of his pain, the rooster says enjoy the experience, you're laying an egg, so Bob relaxes and goes with the pain, this happens again and again and with each egg Bob lays the pain lessens and the eggs flow more freely, all of a sudden Bob hears screaming and a whack across his head ! his wife shouts "WAKE UP BOB, YOU DIRTY DRUNKEN BASTARD, YOU'VE s*** THE BED AGAIN"
During his first day he gets incredible stomach ache and is yelling out in pain, suddenly the rooster appears and says " I haven't seen you here before, whats the matter ? Bob tells him of his pain, the rooster says enjoy the experience, you're laying an egg, so Bob relaxes and goes with the pain, this happens again and again and with each egg Bob lays the pain lessens and the eggs flow more freely, all of a sudden Bob hears screaming and a whack across his head ! his wife shouts "WAKE UP BOB, YOU DIRTY DRUNKEN BASTARD, YOU'VE s*** THE BED AGAIN"
crushers
post ho
Top tip; if you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex.
Wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.
I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.
Apparently the instruction 'finish off on her face' didn't mean what I thought it did.
I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Paki's" were not the correct answers.
A fat girl served me food in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.'
I said 'don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it eventually '
I walked past an abo kid sitting outside the bank as I came out he looked at me and said 'Any Change?'
I said 'Nope! You’re still Black'
Snow forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight.
I thought to myself “fat chance with a face like that!”
An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.
A man asks ‘What is wrong’??
The boy says ‘Me ma is dead’
‘Oh bejaysus’ the man says ‘Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you’??
The boy replies ‘No tanks mister, Sex is the last ting on me moind at the moment’.
I have a new pick up line that works every time. It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them.
Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since most of the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works better!
Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.
Wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.
I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.
Apparently the instruction 'finish off on her face' didn't mean what I thought it did.
I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Paki's" were not the correct answers.
A fat girl served me food in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.'
I said 'don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it eventually '
I walked past an abo kid sitting outside the bank as I came out he looked at me and said 'Any Change?'
I said 'Nope! You’re still Black'
Snow forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight.
I thought to myself “fat chance with a face like that!”
An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.
A man asks ‘What is wrong’??
The boy says ‘Me ma is dead’
‘Oh bejaysus’ the man says ‘Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you’??
The boy replies ‘No tanks mister, Sex is the last ting on me moind at the moment’.
I have a new pick up line that works every time. It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them.
Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since most of the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works better!
Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.
crushers
post ho
Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally
dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to
pick them up, he noticed Les's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear
under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again,
hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Les's
wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under
there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he
did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you £500.'
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral
costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.
Sue told him that since her husband Les played golf Friday
afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2PM.
Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Les's house at 2PM.
sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of £500 - they went to the
bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.
Jim quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Les came home from golf at 6pm. And upon arriving,
asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'
With a lump in her throat Sue answered Why yes, he did stop by
for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when
her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you £500?'
Sue, using her best poker face, replied, Well, yes, in fact he
did give me £500.
Les, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by
saying, 'He came by the golf club this morning and borrowed £500 from
me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home
and pay me back.'
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player ....
dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to
pick them up, he noticed Les's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear
under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again,
hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Les's
wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under
there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he
did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you £500.'
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral
costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.
Sue told him that since her husband Les played golf Friday
afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2PM.
Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Les's house at 2PM.
sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of £500 - they went to the
bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.
Jim quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Les came home from golf at 6pm. And upon arriving,
asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'
With a lump in her throat Sue answered Why yes, he did stop by
for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when
her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you £500?'
Sue, using her best poker face, replied, Well, yes, in fact he
did give me £500.
Les, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by
saying, 'He came by the golf club this morning and borrowed £500 from
me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home
and pay me back.'
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player ....
Which one ?
crushers
post ho
truth??
crushers
post ho
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said:
"I'd like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked: "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied: "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained: "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law. I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said: "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
"I'd like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked: "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied: "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained: "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law. I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said: "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
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- #180
Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua . As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink.."
The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."
They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand.
This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought,"What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog"
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said, ..........
"A Chihuahua ? They gave me a f***ing Chihuahua?!"
The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."
They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand.
This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought,"What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog"
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said, ..........
"A Chihuahua ? They gave me a f***ing Chihuahua?!"
