Chuckle of the day...
- Thread starter TRchieD
- Start date
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The bus is rolling down Hollywood Blvd. through a studio apartment area. It pulls to a stop at the bus stop. A young good looking red head slowly enters the bus. She pays her fare and looks down the row of seats. All seats are taken.
She slowly walks to the center of the bus and grabs hold of a strap from the ceiling. As the bus pulls away she wobbles a bit. The man in the set beside her asked if she was okay. Sweetly she answers “Yes”. The man asked if there was anything wrong, to which she replies “Nothing wrong, I just pregnant”. The man jumps from his seat and tells the young lady to take his seat, which she does slowly and then says “Thank you.”
The man feeling he made a chivalrous jester asked the red head “How long have you been pregnant?”
To which she softly replies, “About 20 minutes.”
She slowly walks to the center of the bus and grabs hold of a strap from the ceiling. As the bus pulls away she wobbles a bit. The man in the set beside her asked if she was okay. Sweetly she answers “Yes”. The man asked if there was anything wrong, to which she replies “Nothing wrong, I just pregnant”. The man jumps from his seat and tells the young lady to take his seat, which she does slowly and then says “Thank you.”
The man feeling he made a chivalrous jester asked the red head “How long have you been pregnant?”
To which she softly replies, “About 20 minutes.”
Thou shall not kill..
Back when the railroads were the best way to travel, there was one conductor that was more than just angry at the everyday passenger. He took to pushing one passenger off the last car on each trip, just to see them bounce and die.
But don’t fear, they finally caught the conductor and took him to trial. After many months in the court system a jury found him GUILTY of murder. The judge had no choice but to sentence him to death in the electric chair.
When it came time to set him in the chair, he was still smug and laughing. They strapped him in, closed the door, some said a prayer, and an unknown man through the switch. Lights dimmed, some saw smoke, and others turned away. After fifteen seconds, the switch went to off. The doctor entered the booth, “My God, he’s still alive, and laughing” yelled the doctor! What went wrong?
They returned him to his cell. His lawyer petitioned the court to release his client as they failed the execution. The court, say no way, we will do it again. A month later, same story, into the booth, strapped down, pulled the switch, lights dim, smoke, thirty seconds later, the same results, “He lives, and laughs!!!”
His lawyer fights the court again; the court again says he shall die for his murders. Third time in the booth, third throw of the switch, forty five seconds of electricity flows in the booth. My God, he lived through it again.
His attorney attacks the court again, saying enough is enough; you have to set him free, you cannot kill him. The judge, now almost ready to agree, asks “And why can’t he be killed as a punishment for murder?” The attorney answers “Your honor, you cannot electrocute him; we all know he’s a bad conductor.”
Jerry D.
Back when the railroads were the best way to travel, there was one conductor that was more than just angry at the everyday passenger. He took to pushing one passenger off the last car on each trip, just to see them bounce and die.
But don’t fear, they finally caught the conductor and took him to trial. After many months in the court system a jury found him GUILTY of murder. The judge had no choice but to sentence him to death in the electric chair.
When it came time to set him in the chair, he was still smug and laughing. They strapped him in, closed the door, some said a prayer, and an unknown man through the switch. Lights dimmed, some saw smoke, and others turned away. After fifteen seconds, the switch went to off. The doctor entered the booth, “My God, he’s still alive, and laughing” yelled the doctor! What went wrong?
They returned him to his cell. His lawyer petitioned the court to release his client as they failed the execution. The court, say no way, we will do it again. A month later, same story, into the booth, strapped down, pulled the switch, lights dim, smoke, thirty seconds later, the same results, “He lives, and laughs!!!”
His lawyer fights the court again; the court again says he shall die for his murders. Third time in the booth, third throw of the switch, forty five seconds of electricity flows in the booth. My God, he lived through it again.
His attorney attacks the court again, saying enough is enough; you have to set him free, you cannot kill him. The judge, now almost ready to agree, asks “And why can’t he be killed as a punishment for murder?” The attorney answers “Your honor, you cannot electrocute him; we all know he’s a bad conductor.”
Jerry D.
- Thread starter
- #144
During a ride in a taxicab, the rider touched the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
Upon the touch, the cab driver flinched, screamed, then went into a panic and almost wrecked the cab. Finally the driver got control and pulled to side of road.
Still shaking, he turned to his rider and apologized. He said, "Sorry about that. This is my first day as a cab driver. For the past 20 years I have driven a hearse".
Upon the touch, the cab driver flinched, screamed, then went into a panic and almost wrecked the cab. Finally the driver got control and pulled to side of road.
Still shaking, he turned to his rider and apologized. He said, "Sorry about that. This is my first day as a cab driver. For the past 20 years I have driven a hearse".
lol that's funny
- Thread starter
- #146
A University of Georgia student was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays.
He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed.
He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where does you go to school?"
The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question.
"Yale," she replied.
The Georgia student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL??"
He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed.
He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where does you go to school?"
The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question.
"Yale," she replied.
The Georgia student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL??"
I don't get it .
Too many sheep !
hahahahah
- Thread starter
- #152
A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field.
Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?"
Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."
"You don't understand," said the preacher.
"Are you a Christian?"
With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones.
You must be lookin for Jim Christian.
He lives a mile south of here."
The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost?"
"Naw"
I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer."
Are you prepared for the resurrection?"
the frustrated preacher asked.This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?"
Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day."
Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife.
She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days."
Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?"
Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."
"You don't understand," said the preacher.
"Are you a Christian?"
With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones.
You must be lookin for Jim Christian.
He lives a mile south of here."
The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost?"
"Naw"
I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer."
Are you prepared for the resurrection?"
the frustrated preacher asked.This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?"
Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day."
Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife.
She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days."
- Thread starter
- #153
A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach....
As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.
She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.
She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'.
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play. Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother, 'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.'
As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.
She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.
She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'.
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play. Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother, 'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.'
- Thread starter
- #154
After taxiing down the runway, the airliner suddenly stopped, then turned around and returned to the gate. About an hour later it finally took off. A worried passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was very concerned about the noise one of the engines was making," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find another pilot."
"The pilot was very concerned about the noise one of the engines was making," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find another pilot."
- Thread starter
- #155
Two guys are in a locker room when one notices the other has a cork up his ass. He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?"
The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a Big Fella in a turban came oozing out. He said, "I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant you one wish."
And I said, "No sh*t."
The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a Big Fella in a turban came oozing out. He said, "I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant you one wish."
And I said, "No sh*t."
- Thread starter
- #156
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy s***," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?", the guy asks, "Then answer this... How do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my 'willie' around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow" says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English, can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just
can't afford that."
"Passssst" says the parrot...."I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You probably can get me for $20. Just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great
sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted. One day he comes home from work and the parrot goes "Pssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing.
"I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's
about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?"
"Then he lifted up her nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down ..."
"WELL???" demands the frantic guy. "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy s***," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?", the guy asks, "Then answer this... How do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my 'willie' around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow" says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English, can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just
can't afford that."
"Passssst" says the parrot...."I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You probably can get me for $20. Just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great
sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted. One day he comes home from work and the parrot goes "Pssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing.
"I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's
about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?"
"Then he lifted up her nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down ..."
"WELL???" demands the frantic guy. "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."
- Thread starter
- #158
A redneck couple gets married and are on their honeymoon. The woman changes into a sexy outfit and lies on the bed. She looks sheepishly up at her new hubby and whispers, "Please be gentle with me. I'm a virgin."
The man gets up screaming, grabs his trousers and runs home to tell his father.
His father comforts him by saying, "Now, now. It'll be okay, son. If she wasn't good enough for her own family, then she isn't good enough for ours."
The man gets up screaming, grabs his trousers and runs home to tell his father.
His father comforts him by saying, "Now, now. It'll be okay, son. If she wasn't good enough for her own family, then she isn't good enough for ours."
I can't believe my dad told you that happened to me !