Chuckle of the day... (1 Viewer)

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TRchieD

TRchieD

Joined
Jul 3, 2007
Threads
8
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497
Location
Florida
A real double pane!
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
 
Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him.

"You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?"

"What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.

"I think you're bad luck."
 
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the
85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
 
One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.

Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

"Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!"

"Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied.

"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"

"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want'. So I took the truck!"

"Bubba, you're a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!"
 
That sounds like I girl friend I had , found her wondering in the woods nake .
 
A rich, eccentric 85-year-old man, went to his doctor for his annual checkup. The doctor asked how he was feeling and the old man said, "Life is absolutely terrific these days. I have a 23-year-old bride who's pregnant with my twins. So what do you think of that, Doc?

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then responded: "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was heading off hunting, he was in a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a large beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home so he couldn't shoot the creature, but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it squarely at the animal as if it were his rifle, and went 'bang, bang.' Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 85-year-old chuckled said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
 
A drunk man staggered into a Catholic church and sat down in a confession box, saying nothing.

The bewildered priest coughed to attract his attention, but still the man said nothing.

The priest then knocked on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replied, "No use knocking, there's no paper in this one either."
 
A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something for me in the driveway that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
 
An Illinois man left the snow filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the sheet of paper on which he had written her E-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her E-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:


Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.
 
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get to their mountain cabin hideaway, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"

She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says gain "Man! My hands are really freezing!"

She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and warm them up."

He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night.

When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"

She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"
 
Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself. He says "Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me."

His friend says "Don't worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill".

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.

"You reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over yourself. My God you're disgusting!"

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, "Wait. It's not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man got sick on me. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket."

She looks in his breast pocket and says, "But this is forty dollars".

"Ah, yes." says the man, "He pissed in my trousers too."
 
The wood choppin' one was cute, I may have to try that one.
 
This guy comes back from the toilet, when a women says to him, "Hey, you have left your GARAGE door open"!"
As the man is zipping his fly up, he says with a big smile,"Did you see my big black hummer?"
The woman replies, "Nope just a MINI COOPER with two flat tires."
 
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