Chuckle of the day... (1 Viewer)

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..My 1 day employment

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,
a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day...

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,
unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids,
yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid?'
So I replied,
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept
with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at
Wal-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
 
Josh goes to a drugstore owned by Mary, a very prudish woman. He says to Mary, "Can I have two dozen condoms, miss?"

May says arrogantly, "Don't miss me, mister."

Josh replies sarcastically, "Well then, you better make it 25."
 
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.
She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.
 
Jim, a traveling salesman goes to a hotel late in the night and asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk is completing the formalities, Jim looks around and finds a stunning blonde seated in the lobby. He tells the clerk to excuse him for a moment and heads to the lobby. He is back in a minute with the blonde on his arm.

"Can't believe I ran into my wife here," he tells the clerk. "Guess I'll need a double room after all."

Next morning, when Jim comes to settle his bill, he finds the amount to be $4200. "What the hell is this?" he yells at the clerk. "I have been here for just a night!"

"You are right, Sir," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for 4 weeks."
 
I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office
to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
From Kingman , KS
 
While walking down the street one day a 'Member of Parliament' is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to Heaven, ' says St. Peter.' Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you. '

' No problem, just let me in.' says the man.

' Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity. '

' Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven.' says the MP.

' I'm sorry, but we have our rules. '

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

' Now it's time to visit heaven. '

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

' Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity. '

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: ' Well, I would never have said it before, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell. '

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ' I don't understand, ' stammers the MP. ' Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.


What happened? '

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning........


Today you voted.'
 
315375_425933227459506_207780812_n.jpg
 
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so shemoved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst outlaughing,
she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)
what he had to say for himself.


The man replied,
'Well your Honor, it was like this:

When the lady got on the bus,
I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said,
'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
' Logan 'sLiniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time
and sat under a sign that said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'
... I just lost it.'


'CASE DISMISSED!!'
 
I feel like a VALEDICTORIAN !!!!!
I handed the teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00
I said "May I have large bills, please"
She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."
When I got up off the floor I explained it to her....
 
A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."


The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'


The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."


The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.


A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."


The next day the grandmother died.


"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."


Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."


He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.


He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.


When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"


He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."


She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"
 
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
 
An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing..'

The doctor was shocked!



'You asked your neighbour?'

The old man replied,


'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
 
Well, I guess Florida Land Cruiser Association "Chuckle of the Day" has achieved global awareness! Is China now so desperate that it is looking at all of our American web sites to try and sell us their inferior steel? Strange but that's what can happen on the web!

Hi hxssvic! Welcome to our Club forum! What model of Toyota do you drive?
 
A lady is riding down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

“Ma’am, I’m not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.”

“Oh, I’ll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home.”

“Another thing, ma’am. I don’t like the way that one rein loops across the horse’s back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That’s cruelty to animals.”

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.

“Well, dear, what exactly did he say?”

“He said the reflector is broken.”

“I can fix that in two minutes. What else?”

“I’m not sure, Jacob … something about the emergency brake…”
 
THE SEVEN TOP COUNTRY & WESTERN SONGS THIS WEEK:

7. I Never Went To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few

6. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

5. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause She Might Win

4. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer

AND THE NUMBER ONE COUNTRY SONG OF THE WEEK...

It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day
 
THE TOP SEVEN COUNTRY & WESTERN SONGS THIS WEEK:

7. I Never Went To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few

6. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

5. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause She Might Win

4. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer

AND THE NUMBER ONE COUNTRY SONG OF THE WEEK...

It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My A$$ All Day
 
A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid.

The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"

"Ten," she replied.

"What are their names?" he asked.

"David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David," she answered.

"They're all named David?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'David,' and they all come running in."

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"

"I just say, 'David, come eat your dinner'," she answered.

"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"
 
Special Delivery

In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man... It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"
 
A hillbilly sent an advertisement to the newspaper that read, "Farmer, age 36, wishes to become acquainted with woman around 30 who owns a tractor. Please send a picture of the tractor."
 
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