Monday Chuckle
- Thread starter Texican
- Start date
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LukeZero
Deeply Confused
KOWBOY
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A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.
There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband, Its nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?
He says, O. K., Get in the car with it.
Where shall I put it to get it warm?
He says, Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.
But what about the smell?
Just hold its little nose.
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.
There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband, Its nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?
He says, O. K., Get in the car with it.
Where shall I put it to get it warm?
He says, Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.
But what about the smell?
Just hold its little nose.
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.
Green Lantern
Have Truck, Will Travel
Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming bird hunting trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Dave headed home ... frustrated.
That weekend, when all Dave's buddies arrived up at the cabin to hunt, they were completely shocked to see Dave. He was already sitting in a lawn chair hav'n a cold beer, orange vest on, shotgun in the truck, and his dog run'n around.
"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Dave?"
"Believe it or not, I didn't have to," Dave replied.
"Thursday night, when I left our meeting, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then the ol'lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'."
"When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful new negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed, and you can do whatever you want'...... SO, HERE I AM!"
That weekend, when all Dave's buddies arrived up at the cabin to hunt, they were completely shocked to see Dave. He was already sitting in a lawn chair hav'n a cold beer, orange vest on, shotgun in the truck, and his dog run'n around.
"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Dave?"
"Believe it or not, I didn't have to," Dave replied.
"Thursday night, when I left our meeting, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then the ol'lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'."
"When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful new negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed, and you can do whatever you want'...... SO, HERE I AM!"
KOWBOY
President
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GOOD GAWD that's funny!! 
I just forwarded that to damn-near ever'body I know.
I just forwarded that to damn-near ever'body I know.
Somewhat same track humor that is posted on youtube
YouTube - The little adventures of Penis and Vagina - Episode 1 - ANUS
> A Harley rider is passing the zoo, when he sees a little
> girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion
> grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her
> inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming
> parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and
> hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
>
> Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back, letting go
> of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified
> parents, who thank him endlessly.
>
> A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The
> reporter says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and
> brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life."
>
> The biker replies, "Why, it was nothing, really, the
> lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger,
> and acted as I felt right."
>
> The reporter says, "Well, I'm a journalist from
> the New York Times, and tomorrow's paper will have this
> story on the front page... so, what do you do for a living
> and what political affiliation do you have?"
> The biker replies, "I'm a U.S. Marine and a
> Republican."
>
> The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to
> see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on
> front page:
>
> "U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS
> LUNCH"
> girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion
> grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her
> inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming
> parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and
> hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
>
> Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back, letting go
> of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified
> parents, who thank him endlessly.
>
> A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The
> reporter says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and
> brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life."
>
> The biker replies, "Why, it was nothing, really, the
> lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger,
> and acted as I felt right."
>
> The reporter says, "Well, I'm a journalist from
> the New York Times, and tomorrow's paper will have this
> story on the front page... so, what do you do for a living
> and what political affiliation do you have?"
> The biker replies, "I'm a U.S. Marine and a
> Republican."
>
> The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to
> see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on
> front page:
>
> "U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS
> LUNCH"
Texican
s-Moderator
- Thread starter
- #453
Old Butch
John was in the chicken business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters. He kept records, and any rooster not performing
went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report
by just listening to the bells.
John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.
To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize
but they also awarded him the Pullet-surprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully next year, the bells are not always audible.
John was in the chicken business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters. He kept records, and any rooster not performing
went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report
by just listening to the bells.
John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.
To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize
but they also awarded him the Pullet-surprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully next year, the bells are not always audible.
That was a good one!!
Bodean
Hot Damn
Wisdom of An Older Man:
An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
'Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, 'Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?'
'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she appears out of nowhere….'
An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
'Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, 'Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?'
'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she appears out of nowhere….'
Green Lantern
Have Truck, Will Travel
It's Monday.
This is a bit lame, but applicable to some folks.
Happy Trails!
N
YouTube - Dennis Leary - Im an a****** (the real video)
This is a bit lame, but applicable to some folks.
Happy Trails!
N
YouTube - Dennis Leary - Im an a****** (the real video)
can't see youtube at work, but the a****** song was on the cure for cancer cd...great cd.
KOWBOY
President
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A Prayer for daddy
"Dear God, this year please send some clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer,
Amen."
"Dear God, this year please send some clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer,
Amen."
Texican
s-Moderator
- Thread starter
- #459
Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, David the physician, the King's chief doctor.
David thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, David made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed.
Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, David informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.
David then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by the King and Queen as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found David demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins.
With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that David could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, David slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.
The King immediately summoned Nick . . .
The moral of the story - Pay your fxxxin' bills.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, David the physician, the King's chief doctor.
David thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, David made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed.
Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, David informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.
David then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by the King and Queen as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found David demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins.
With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that David could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, David slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.
The King immediately summoned Nick . . .
The moral of the story - Pay your fxxxin' bills.
Green Lantern
Have Truck, Will Travel
Doc,
Do I owe you anything?
N
Do I owe you anything?
N