Bodean
Hot Damn
That is the funniest s*** I have seen! I had to hit pause just to take a break half way through! Holy Crap!!!!
Monday Chuckle
- Thread starter Texican
- Start date
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Green Lantern
Have Truck, Will Travel
Problems with the new Obama stamp....
The Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of President Obama.
The stamp was not sticking to envelopes.
This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.
After a month of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings: The stamp is in perfect order. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.
People are spitting on the wrong side.
The Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of President Obama.
The stamp was not sticking to envelopes.
This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.
After a month of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings: The stamp is in perfect order. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.
People are spitting on the wrong side.
ya know i posted the same thing elsewhere and had someone accuse me of wanting to have the president assassinated... then another added verse 9 to the mix...
it is being blown way out of proportion by the media and extremist.
more info HERE for those unfamiliar.
LukeZero
Deeply Confused
OK- back to funny.
Some idiot rolled a beadlocked wheel right through the lobby of a hotel just north of here last night.
Probably some lost Texan.
Some idiot rolled a beadlocked wheel right through the lobby of a hotel just north of here last night.
Probably some lost Texan.
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must have gone rogue, prolly sold nearly everything he had along the way too!
Bodean
Hot Damn
Subject: Groom's Friends
The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an
electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on
their wedding night.
The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a
chuckle or two.
The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of
course.
The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it
would be memorable.
The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms
buddies received the following
note:
"DEAR FRIENDS, WE DIDN'T MIND THE BED SLATS BEING SAWED. THE ELECTRIC SHOCK
WAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK. BUT I SWEAR BY GOD ALMIGHTY, I'M GOING TO KILL
WHOEVER PUT NOVOCAIN IN THE K-Y JELLY!"
The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an
electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on
their wedding night.
The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a
chuckle or two.
The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of
course.
The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it
would be memorable.
The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms
buddies received the following
note:
"DEAR FRIENDS, WE DIDN'T MIND THE BED SLATS BEING SAWED. THE ELECTRIC SHOCK
WAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK. BUT I SWEAR BY GOD ALMIGHTY, I'M GOING TO KILL
WHOEVER PUT NOVOCAIN IN THE K-Y JELLY!"
Green Lantern
Have Truck, Will Travel
There's Always an A-hole on the Internet
YouTube - There's Always an A-Hole on the Internet
YouTube - There's Always an A-Hole on the Internet
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
'I'm sorry,' says the pharmacist, 'We don't have any.'
'But, I always buy it here,' says the blonde .
'Do you have the container that it came in?' asks the pharmacist.
'Yes,' said the blonde, 'I'll go home and get it.'
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, 'This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.''
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container ...
. TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
'I'm sorry,' says the pharmacist, 'We don't have any.'
'But, I always buy it here,' says the blonde .
'Do you have the container that it came in?' asks the pharmacist.
'Yes,' said the blonde, 'I'll go home and get it.'
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, 'This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.''
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container ...
. TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM
Ingredients:
1 whole turkey
1 large lemon, cut into halves
salt and pepper to taste
butter or olive oil, whichever you prefer
Heat oven to 350 degrees
Rub butter or oil over the skin of the turkey until it is completely coated.
Sprinkle with salt and pepper and any other seasonings you prefer.
Take a knife and gently separate the skin from the breast meat;
Slide lemon halves under the skin with the peel side up, one on
each side. This way the juice from the lemon will release into the breasts.
Cover and bake for 30-45 minutes. Remove cover and continue
to roast until juices run clear, basting every 15-20 minutes.
If you've followed these steps correctly, your turkey should
look like the one in the picture.
Bon Appetit!
1 whole turkey
1 large lemon, cut into halves
salt and pepper to taste
butter or olive oil, whichever you prefer
Heat oven to 350 degrees
Rub butter or oil over the skin of the turkey until it is completely coated.
Sprinkle with salt and pepper and any other seasonings you prefer.
Take a knife and gently separate the skin from the breast meat;
Slide lemon halves under the skin with the peel side up, one on
each side. This way the juice from the lemon will release into the breasts.
Cover and bake for 30-45 minutes. Remove cover and continue
to roast until juices run clear, basting every 15-20 minutes.
If you've followed these steps correctly, your turkey should
look like the one in the picture.
Bon Appetit!
Bodean
Hot Damn
That's it, I'm doin' that!
KOWBOY
President
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A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact,
"Marion ... Marion "
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course .. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"
"Oh, Bob you must be in Heaven!"
"Not exactly ... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona .."
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact,
"Marion ... Marion "
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course .. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"
"Oh, Bob you must be in Heaven!"
"Not exactly ... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona .."
KOWBOY
President
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A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think
When you're from the country ~ you look at things a little differently...
A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9,
opened the door "Is your Dad home?" the rancher asked.
"No sir, he isn't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the rancher, "Is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard."
A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9,
opened the door "Is your Dad home?" the rancher asked.
"No sir, he isn't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the rancher, "Is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard."
GAME: Help Tiger Woods outrun wife (WARNING: Contains simulated violence) - KDVR
you almost don't want to outrun the wife
you almost don't want to outrun the wife
Well, there is good news and bad news about my Christmas decorations this year.
Good news is that I truly out did myself this year with my Christmas decorations. The bad news is that I had to take him down after 2 days. I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever. Great stories. But two things made me take it down. First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by. Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn't realize it was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy). By the way, she was one of many people who attempted to do that. My yard couldn't take it either. I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard.
Kind of feel like I gave in to the man by taking him down but my neighbor did confirm to near miss accidents on the busy street next to my house. I think I made him too real this time.
So it was fun while it lasted! Merry Christmas!
Good news is that I truly out did myself this year with my Christmas decorations. The bad news is that I had to take him down after 2 days. I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever. Great stories. But two things made me take it down. First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by. Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn't realize it was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy). By the way, she was one of many people who attempted to do that. My yard couldn't take it either. I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard.
Kind of feel like I gave in to the man by taking him down but my neighbor did confirm to near miss accidents on the busy street next to my house. I think I made him too real this time.
So it was fun while it lasted! Merry Christmas!
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That's awesome Ige!
KOWBOY
President
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Most Excellent!! 