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Monday Chuckle
- Thread starter Texican
- Start date
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- Joined
- Jul 9, 2004
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- 3,997
- Location
- Montgomery Co. TEXAS
- Website
- missionsonwheels.org
Prior to her trip to Texas, Virginia had confided to her sorority sisters that she had three goals for her trip the Lone Star State: she wanted to taste some real Texas barbecue, she wanted to take in a bona fide Texas rodeo, and she wanted to have sex with a Texan.
Upon her return, the sorority sisters were curious about how she had fared.
"Let me tell you," she said, "they have an indigenous bush down there called Mesquite, and when they slow-cook that brisket over that mesquite wood, wow! That beef not only melts in your mouth, the taste is beyond belief! And the men? I went to a real rodeo. Talk about athletes! These guys wrestle real, full-grown bulls like they do in Spain. Except they ride a horse at full gallop, throw a rope on these huge bulls, then jump off the horse and literally grab the bulls by the horns and throw them to the ground and tie 'em up. And that's not all! It's a race! They ALL do it and only the fastest gets prize money!"
"Virginia! Come on, tell us! You said you wanted to make love to a Texan! What happened?"
"Well," Virginia said, "I'll admit, I was tempted, but when I was at the rodeo and saw the outline of the condoms in the back pocket of those Texans' jeans, I changed my mind!"
Upon her return, the sorority sisters were curious about how she had fared.
"Let me tell you," she said, "they have an indigenous bush down there called Mesquite, and when they slow-cook that brisket over that mesquite wood, wow! That beef not only melts in your mouth, the taste is beyond belief! And the men? I went to a real rodeo. Talk about athletes! These guys wrestle real, full-grown bulls like they do in Spain. Except they ride a horse at full gallop, throw a rope on these huge bulls, then jump off the horse and literally grab the bulls by the horns and throw them to the ground and tie 'em up. And that's not all! It's a race! They ALL do it and only the fastest gets prize money!"
"Virginia! Come on, tell us! You said you wanted to make love to a Texan! What happened?"
"Well," Virginia said, "I'll admit, I was tempted, but when I was at the rodeo and saw the outline of the condoms in the back pocket of those Texans' jeans, I changed my mind!"
- Joined
- Jul 9, 2004
- Threads
- 386
- Messages
- 3,997
- Location
- Montgomery Co. TEXAS
- Website
- missionsonwheels.org
One fur the a n m grad-u-ates....
There was an Aggie that was down on his luck. In order to raise some money he decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
He went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree and told him "I've kidnapped you."
The Aggie wrote a note saying "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it beneath the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the city playground. Signed, An Aggie."
The Aggie then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the Aggie checked, and sure enough a paper bag was sitting beneath that pecan tree. The Aggie opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note. The note said, "How could one Aggie do this to another Aggie?!"
There was an Aggie that was down on his luck. In order to raise some money he decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
He went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree and told him "I've kidnapped you."
The Aggie wrote a note saying "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it beneath the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the city playground. Signed, An Aggie."
The Aggie then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the Aggie checked, and sure enough a paper bag was sitting beneath that pecan tree. The Aggie opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note. The note said, "How could one Aggie do this to another Aggie?!"
- Joined
- Jul 9, 2004
- Threads
- 386
- Messages
- 3,997
- Location
- Montgomery Co. TEXAS
- Website
- missionsonwheels.org
Instead of posting all these bumper stickers I'll just post a link to the Cummins forum thread
(Warning: If you're an Obama fan you won't care for these)
Obama Sticker - Dodge Cummins Diesel Forum
(Warning: If you're an Obama fan you won't care for these)
Obama Sticker - Dodge Cummins Diesel Forum
hhhmmmm, my ex is blonde
This is why your mother told you never to accept candy from strangers
is that a multi tool in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Multi Tool, Wenger, The Giant Swiss Army Knife
Multi Tool, Wenger, The Giant Swiss Army Knife
Green Lantern
Have Truck, Will Travel
Bubba at college
A professor was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'
About 90 students raise their hands. 'Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?' About 40 students raise their hands.
'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'
About 15 students raise their hand. 'Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?' Three students raise their hands.
'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'
Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'
The student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'
Bubba replied, 'Shiiiit!! From way back there I thought you said goats.
A professor was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'
About 90 students raise their hands. 'Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?' About 40 students raise their hands.
'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'
About 15 students raise their hand. 'Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?' Three students raise their hands.
'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'
Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'
The student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'
Bubba replied, 'Shiiiit!! From way back there I thought you said goats.
that aint right...
Texican
s-Moderator
- Thread starter
- #473
Titanic:.... Cost - $29.99
Clinton:...... Cost - $29.99
Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton:... Over 3 hours to read
Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton:... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic:.... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton:...... Bill is a bull**** artist.
Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton:.... Ditto for Bill.
Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton:...... Ditto for Monica.
Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton:... Let's not go there.
Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton:.... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.
Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:...... Monica.. ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton:..... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing
Clinton:...... Cost - $29.99
Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton:... Over 3 hours to read
Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton:... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic:.... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton:...... Bill is a bull**** artist.
Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton:.... Ditto for Bill.
Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton:...... Ditto for Monica.
Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton:... Let's not go there.
Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton:.... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.
Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:...... Monica.. ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton:..... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing
Green Lantern
Have Truck, Will Travel
East Texas Humor...
Gay Bob goes to the Doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says 'Bob, I'm not going to beat around the bush, you have AIDS.'
Bob is devastated. 'Doc, what can I do?
Doc says, ' Eat one sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts,
1/2 box grape nut cereal and top it off with 1 gallon of prune juice.
'Bob asks: 'will that cure me?'
Doc says 'No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ASS is for.
And...
A man seeking to join an East Texas Sheriff's Department is being interviewed.
The Deputy doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says:
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot
six illegal aliens,
six lawyers,
six meth dealers,
six Muslim extremists,
and a rabbit. "
"Why the rabbit?"
"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
Gay Bob goes to the Doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says 'Bob, I'm not going to beat around the bush, you have AIDS.'
Bob is devastated. 'Doc, what can I do?
Doc says, ' Eat one sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts,
1/2 box grape nut cereal and top it off with 1 gallon of prune juice.
'Bob asks: 'will that cure me?'
Doc says 'No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ASS is for.
And...
A man seeking to join an East Texas Sheriff's Department is being interviewed.
The Deputy doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says:
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot
six illegal aliens,
six lawyers,
six meth dealers,
six Muslim extremists,
and a rabbit. "
"Why the rabbit?"
"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
Bodean
Hot Damn
A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door. It's
opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one
hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked
under his arm.
Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home ?"
Little boy: "What the f#@% do you think?"
opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one
hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked
under his arm.
Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home ?"
Little boy: "What the f#@% do you think?"
Bodean
Hot Damn
Subject: Dog For Sale
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in
front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings
the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever
sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So,
what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was
pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA... In no
time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms
with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the
jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger
so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some
undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I
got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the
dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that s***.
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in
front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings
the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever
sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So,
what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was
pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA... In no
time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms
with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the
jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger
so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some
undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I
got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the
dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that s***.
haha i came cross that un here recently as well.
Texican
s-Moderator
- Thread starter
- #478
Obama question's
Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One's full of tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other
is for prisoners.
Q: What's the difference between Simba and Obama?
A: Simba is an African lion while Obama is a lyin' African.
Q: What's the difference between Obama and Hitler?
A: Hitler wrote his own book.
Q: What's another difference between Obama and Hitler?
A: Hitler got the Olympics to come to his country.
Q: Why doesn't Obama pray?
A: It's impossible to read the teleprompter with your eyes closed.
Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One's full of tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other
is for prisoners.
Q: What's the difference between Simba and Obama?
A: Simba is an African lion while Obama is a lyin' African.
Q: What's the difference between Obama and Hitler?
A: Hitler wrote his own book.
Q: What's another difference between Obama and Hitler?
A: Hitler got the Olympics to come to his country.
Q: Why doesn't Obama pray?
A: It's impossible to read the teleprompter with your eyes closed.
don't know if i ever posted this one
I needed more beer, so I drove down to the market.
Yesterday, I went into the same store and they handed me a CD, saying "you're the star of the video clip on this disc. Check it out."
My needs have changed, maybe I should look into a 12 step program.
YouTube - Best drunk dude ever attempts to buy more beer. Fails hard.
I needed more beer, so I drove down to the market.
Yesterday, I went into the same store and they handed me a CD, saying "you're the star of the video clip on this disc. Check it out."
My needs have changed, maybe I should look into a 12 step program.
YouTube - Best drunk dude ever attempts to buy more beer. Fails hard.