Monday Chuckle (1 Viewer)

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Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore,a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.



Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.


Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!


Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.


Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.


Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?


Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?


Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues...
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.


Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.


Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.


Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a___

Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?


Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.


Thank You,
Human Resources
 
So you've been visiting the southeastern pennsylvania transport authority website, butch? ;)
 
I've known all the time the media is full of s*** and they lie all the time. They have reported that Elvis and Michael Jackson were dead but I never believed them.
The picture is proof positive they are still alive.
elvis_michael.webp
 
UPS Airlines

Just in case you need a laugh:

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one.... a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield...
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground..

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P:Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget...... Nolen??? :flipoff2:
 
After the president has been in office for 6 months it is customary for the last president to send a note of congratulations to the new one.

So yesterday when the note came from Bush to Obama, the president was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was:

370H-SSV-0773H

This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president
Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged. So he took the note to
his wife. She was unable to decipher it. They called in the VP, and he was
unable to decode the message. They called in the chief of staff and the head of the Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the
note.

Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House. They both
were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.

Now there was complete panic in the oval office. They called all of their
contacts in the media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not one
was able to come up with an answer. A special emergency meeting was called by the staff. All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were
called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.

After a sleepless night, a now humbled President picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note.

Bush chuckled and replied: “Dude....You're holding it upside down!”
 
for those that think they have every camping accessory out there...
CAMP.webp
 
Atlanta Air traffic control.................

Atlanta ATC:
'Tower to Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R

Saudi Air :
'Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised.'

Atlanta ATC:
'Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R.'

Iran Air:
'Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great.'

Pause...

Saudi Air:
' ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC

Atlanta ATC:
'Go ahead Saudi Air 511.'

Saudi Air: '
YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE.


Atlanta ATC:
'Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah 'hey' from us
 
Two women were playing golf.

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist, and I know I could relieve
your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'

:flamingo:
 
new take on stacks:



















102_1748.jpg

102_1749.jpg
 
Want to be a sheriff in Texas?

Want to be a sheriff in Texas?

A man seeking to join a south Texas Sheriff's Department is being interviewed. The Sergeant doing the interview says, "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted." Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?"

"That's the attitude we want," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
 
The year is 1947

Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO)
with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico.

This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:

Albert A. Gore, Jr.

Hillary Rodham

John F. Kerry

William J.. Clinton

Howard Dean

Nancy Pelosi

Dianne Feinstein

Charles E. Schumer

Barbara Boxer


See what happens when aliens breed with sheep and jackasses?

I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you. It did for me.
 
Why Men don't write advice colums...

Dear Walter,


I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbors daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbors daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past
six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was sacked from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

-------------------------------


Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no dirt in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps.


Walter.
 
A little old man is walking down the street one afternoon, when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?"
"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"
So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again, "Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000 dollars?!"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000 dollars...; Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'


"Nah," says the little old man ... "Costs too much!"

:flamingo:
 
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