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- Montgomery Co. TEXAS
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- missionsonwheels.org
AMEN brother!!!!
Monday Chuckle (1 Viewer)
- Thread starter Texican
- Start date
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you can't make this s*** up.....courtesy of 9news.com, our local news station
LEXINGTON PARK, Md. - A Southern Maryland woman was seriously injured in a mishap involving a sex toy over the weekend. The case was first reported on BayNet.com, and Saint Mary's County Public Safety sources confirmed the information to WUSA in Washington, D.C.
The accident was reported to local fire and rescue personnel about 1:30 a.m. on March 7, from an address on Rogers Drive. The man who made the 911 call said he had placed a sex toy over a saber saw blade, and then used the power tool on his partner, but the blade cut through the plastic and injured the woman.
The victim, a 27-year-old woman, was reportedly injured and bleeding. She was later flown to Prince George's hospital center by Maryland State Police helicopter.
County law enforcement officials who were familiar with the media report about this case said, although they were not initially called to investigate the incident, they would likely follow up to determine it was just an accident and involved consensual behavior.
(Copyright WUSA*TV, All Rights Reserved.)
LEXINGTON PARK, Md. - A Southern Maryland woman was seriously injured in a mishap involving a sex toy over the weekend. The case was first reported on BayNet.com, and Saint Mary's County Public Safety sources confirmed the information to WUSA in Washington, D.C.
The accident was reported to local fire and rescue personnel about 1:30 a.m. on March 7, from an address on Rogers Drive. The man who made the 911 call said he had placed a sex toy over a saber saw blade, and then used the power tool on his partner, but the blade cut through the plastic and injured the woman.
The victim, a 27-year-old woman, was reportedly injured and bleeding. She was later flown to Prince George's hospital center by Maryland State Police helicopter.
County law enforcement officials who were familiar with the media report about this case said, although they were not initially called to investigate the incident, they would likely follow up to determine it was just an accident and involved consensual behavior.
(Copyright WUSA*TV, All Rights Reserved.)
Bodean
Hot Damn
I always take the blade off before I do that. They make this little fitting... Nevermind!
Last edited:
LukeZero
Deeply Confused
KOWBOY
President
- Joined
- Mar 21, 2005
- Threads
- 209
- Messages
- 5,878
- Location
- Diggin' mud
- Website
- www.elwoodwhitetrash.com
THE COUNTRY of TEXAS
Please note that Texas is the only state with a legal right to secede
from the Union . (Reference the Texas-American Annexation Treaty of
1848.)
We Texans love y'all, but we'll probably have to take action since
Barack Obama won the election. We'll miss you too.
Here is what can happen:
1: Barack Hussein Obama becomes President of the United States, and
Texas immediately secedes from the Union .
2: George W. Bush will become the President of the Republic of
Texas . You might not think that he talks too pretty, but we haven't
had another terrorist attack, and the economy was fine until the
effects of the Democrats lowering the qualifications for home loans
came to roost.
So what does Texas have to do to survive as a Republic?
1. NASA is just south of Houston , Texas .. We will control the space
industry.
2. We refine over 85% of the gasoline in the United States .
3. Defense Industry--we have over 65% of it. The term "Don't mess
with Texas ," will take on a whole new meaning.
4. Oil - we can supply all the oil that the Republic of Texas will
need for the next 300 years. What will the other states do? Gee, we
don't know. Why not ask Obama?
5. Natural Gas - again we have all we need and it's too bad about
those Northern States. John Kerry and Al Gore will have to figure
out a way to keep them warm....
6. Computer Industry - we lead the nation in producing computer
chips and communications equipment -small companies like Texas
Instruments, Dell Computer, EDS, Raytheon, National Semiconductor,
Motorola, Intel, AMD, Atmel, Applied Materials, Ball Miconductor,
Dallas Semiconductor, Nortel, Alcatel, etc, etc. The list goes on and on.
7. Medical Care - We have the research centers for cancer research,
the best burn centers and the top trauma units in the world, as well
as other large health centers. The Houston Medical Center alone
employees over 65,000 people.
8. We have enough colleges to keep us getting smarter: University of
Texas , Texas A&M, Texas Tech, Texas Christian, Rice, SMU, University
of Dallas , University of Houston , Baylor, UNT ( University of North
Texas ), Texas Women's University, etc. Ivy grows better in the South
anyway.
9. We have an intelligent and energetic work force, and it isn't
restricted by a bunch of unions. Here in Texas , it's a Right to Work
State and, therefore, it's every man and women for themselves. We
just go out and get the job done. And if we don't like the way one
company operates, we get a job somewhere else.
10. We have essential control of the paper, plastics, and insurance
industries, etc.
11. In case of a foreign invasion, we have the Texas National Guard,
the Texas Air National Guard, and several military bases. We don't
have an Army, but since everybody down here has at least six rifles
and a pile of ammo, we can raise an Army in 24 hours if we need one.
If the situation really gets bad, we can always call the Department
of Public Safety and ask them to send over the Texas Rangers.
12. We are totally self-sufficient in beef, poultry, hogs, and
several types of grain, fruit and vegetables, and let's not forget
seafood from the Gulf. Also, everybody down here knows how to cook
them so that they taste good. Don't need any food.
13. Three of the ten largest cities in the United States, and twenty-
three of the 100 largest cities in the United States , are located in
Texas .. And Texas also has more land than California , New York , New
Jersey , Connecticut , Delaware , Hawaii , Massachusetts , Maryland , Rhode
Island and Vermont combined.
14. Trade: Three of the ten largest ports in the United States are
located in Texas ..
15. We also manufacture cars down here, but we don't need to. You
see, nothing rusts in Texas , so our vehicles stay beautiful and run
well for decades.
This just names a few of the items that will keep the Republic of
Texas in good shape. There isn't a thing out there that we need and
don't have.
Now to the rest of the United States under President Obama:
Since you won't have the refineries to get gas for your cars, only
President Obama will be able to drive around in his big 5 mpg SUV.
The rest of the United States will have to walk or ride bikes.
You won't have any TV as the Space Center in Houston will cut off
satellite communications.
You won't have any natural gas to heat your homes, but since Mr.
Obama has predicted global warming, you will not need the gas as long
as you survive the 2000 years it will take to get enough heat from
Global Warming.
So, in other words, go screw yourselves. Oh, that's right. You
already have!
Signed, The People of Texas
P.S. This is not a threatening letter - just a note to give you
something to think about!
SLEEP WELL TONIGHT THE EYES OF TEXAS ARE UPON YOU!!
Please note that Texas is the only state with a legal right to secede
from the Union . (Reference the Texas-American Annexation Treaty of
1848.)
We Texans love y'all, but we'll probably have to take action since
Barack Obama won the election. We'll miss you too.
Here is what can happen:
1: Barack Hussein Obama becomes President of the United States, and
Texas immediately secedes from the Union .
2: George W. Bush will become the President of the Republic of
Texas . You might not think that he talks too pretty, but we haven't
had another terrorist attack, and the economy was fine until the
effects of the Democrats lowering the qualifications for home loans
came to roost.
So what does Texas have to do to survive as a Republic?
1. NASA is just south of Houston , Texas .. We will control the space
industry.
2. We refine over 85% of the gasoline in the United States .
3. Defense Industry--we have over 65% of it. The term "Don't mess
with Texas ," will take on a whole new meaning.
4. Oil - we can supply all the oil that the Republic of Texas will
need for the next 300 years. What will the other states do? Gee, we
don't know. Why not ask Obama?
5. Natural Gas - again we have all we need and it's too bad about
those Northern States. John Kerry and Al Gore will have to figure
out a way to keep them warm....
6. Computer Industry - we lead the nation in producing computer
chips and communications equipment -small companies like Texas
Instruments, Dell Computer, EDS, Raytheon, National Semiconductor,
Motorola, Intel, AMD, Atmel, Applied Materials, Ball Miconductor,
Dallas Semiconductor, Nortel, Alcatel, etc, etc. The list goes on and on.
7. Medical Care - We have the research centers for cancer research,
the best burn centers and the top trauma units in the world, as well
as other large health centers. The Houston Medical Center alone
employees over 65,000 people.
8. We have enough colleges to keep us getting smarter: University of
Texas , Texas A&M, Texas Tech, Texas Christian, Rice, SMU, University
of Dallas , University of Houston , Baylor, UNT ( University of North
Texas ), Texas Women's University, etc. Ivy grows better in the South
anyway.
9. We have an intelligent and energetic work force, and it isn't
restricted by a bunch of unions. Here in Texas , it's a Right to Work
State and, therefore, it's every man and women for themselves. We
just go out and get the job done. And if we don't like the way one
company operates, we get a job somewhere else.
10. We have essential control of the paper, plastics, and insurance
industries, etc.
11. In case of a foreign invasion, we have the Texas National Guard,
the Texas Air National Guard, and several military bases. We don't
have an Army, but since everybody down here has at least six rifles
and a pile of ammo, we can raise an Army in 24 hours if we need one.
If the situation really gets bad, we can always call the Department
of Public Safety and ask them to send over the Texas Rangers.
12. We are totally self-sufficient in beef, poultry, hogs, and
several types of grain, fruit and vegetables, and let's not forget
seafood from the Gulf. Also, everybody down here knows how to cook
them so that they taste good. Don't need any food.
13. Three of the ten largest cities in the United States, and twenty-
three of the 100 largest cities in the United States , are located in
Texas .. And Texas also has more land than California , New York , New
Jersey , Connecticut , Delaware , Hawaii , Massachusetts , Maryland , Rhode
Island and Vermont combined.
14. Trade: Three of the ten largest ports in the United States are
located in Texas ..
15. We also manufacture cars down here, but we don't need to. You
see, nothing rusts in Texas , so our vehicles stay beautiful and run
well for decades.
This just names a few of the items that will keep the Republic of
Texas in good shape. There isn't a thing out there that we need and
don't have.
Now to the rest of the United States under President Obama:
Since you won't have the refineries to get gas for your cars, only
President Obama will be able to drive around in his big 5 mpg SUV.
The rest of the United States will have to walk or ride bikes.
You won't have any TV as the Space Center in Houston will cut off
satellite communications.
You won't have any natural gas to heat your homes, but since Mr.
Obama has predicted global warming, you will not need the gas as long
as you survive the 2000 years it will take to get enough heat from
Global Warming.
So, in other words, go screw yourselves. Oh, that's right. You
already have!
Signed, The People of Texas
P.S. This is not a threatening letter - just a note to give you
something to think about!
SLEEP WELL TONIGHT THE EYES OF TEXAS ARE UPON YOU!!
Bodean
Hot Damn
Make room for one more redneck if this comes true!
Later,
Later,
- Joined
- Jul 9, 2004
- Threads
- 386
- Messages
- 3,997
- Location
- Montgomery Co. TEXAS
- Website
- missionsonwheels.org
That's why we're headin' that way in a couple months.......
Bodean
Hot Damn
Green Lantern
Have Truck, Will Travel
From the Saiga Forum....
Roping A Deer-------
( Names have been removed to protect the Stupid! )
Actual letter from someone who farms and writes well!
I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer,
put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks,
then kill it and eat it.
The first step in this adventure was getting a
deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle
feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are
there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at
the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4
feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up
to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then
hog tie it and transport it home.
I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope.
The cattle, having seen the roping thing before,
stayed well back. They were not having any of it.
After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of
them. I picked out.. ...a likely looking one, stepped out
from the end of the feeder, and threw.. my rope. The deer
just stood there and stared at me.
I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the
end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood
and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned
about the whole rope situation.
I took a step towards it ...it took a step away. I
put a little tension on the rope and then received an
education.
The first thing that I learned is that, while a
deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you
rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling
on that rope.
That deer EXPLODED.
The second thing I learned is that pound for pound,
a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a
colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and
with some dignity.
A deer - no chance..
That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled.
There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close
to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me
across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a
rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally
imagined.
The only up side is that they do not have as much
stamina as many other animals.
A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not
nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I
managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize
this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of
the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste
for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil
creature off the end of that rope.
I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging
around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully
somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me
and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I
would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.
Despite the gash in my head and the several large
knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum
by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged
me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to
recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some
tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in,
so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow
death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my
truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before
hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.
I got it to back in there and I started moving up
so I could get my rope back.
Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in
a million years would have thought that a deer would bite
somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to
grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.
Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being
bitten by a horse where they just bite you and then let go.
A deer bites you and shakes its head - almost like a pit
bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.
The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is
probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming
and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems
like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes,
but it was likely only several seconds.
I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be
questioning that claim by now), tricked it.
While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my
right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that
rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer
behavior for the day.
Deer will strike at you with their front feet.
They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about
head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly
sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -
like a horse - strikes at you with their hooves and you
can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to
make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the
animal.
This will usually cause them to back down a bit so
you can escape.
This was not a horse. This was a deer, so
obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a
millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed
like a woman and tried to turn and run.
The reason I had always been told NOT to try to
turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is
a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head.
Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides
being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the
second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the
head and knocked me down.
Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down,
it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not
recognize that the danger has passed.. What they do instead
is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are
laying there crying like a little girl and covering your
head.
I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the
deer went away.
So now I know why when people go deer hunting they
bring a rifle with a scope to sort of even the odds.
Roping A Deer-------
( Names have been removed to protect the Stupid! )
Actual letter from someone who farms and writes well!
I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer,
put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks,
then kill it and eat it.
The first step in this adventure was getting a
deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle
feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are
there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at
the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4
feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up
to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then
hog tie it and transport it home.
I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope.
The cattle, having seen the roping thing before,
stayed well back. They were not having any of it.
After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of
them. I picked out.. ...a likely looking one, stepped out
from the end of the feeder, and threw.. my rope. The deer
just stood there and stared at me.
I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the
end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood
and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned
about the whole rope situation.
I took a step towards it ...it took a step away. I
put a little tension on the rope and then received an
education.
The first thing that I learned is that, while a
deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you
rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling
on that rope.
That deer EXPLODED.
The second thing I learned is that pound for pound,
a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a
colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and
with some dignity.
A deer - no chance..
That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled.
There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close
to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me
across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a
rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally
imagined.
The only up side is that they do not have as much
stamina as many other animals.
A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not
nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I
managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize
this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of
the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste
for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil
creature off the end of that rope.
I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging
around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully
somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me
and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I
would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.
Despite the gash in my head and the several large
knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum
by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged
me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to
recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some
tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in,
so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow
death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my
truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before
hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.
I got it to back in there and I started moving up
so I could get my rope back.
Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in
a million years would have thought that a deer would bite
somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to
grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.
Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being
bitten by a horse where they just bite you and then let go.
A deer bites you and shakes its head - almost like a pit
bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.
The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is
probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming
and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems
like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes,
but it was likely only several seconds.
I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be
questioning that claim by now), tricked it.
While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my
right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that
rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer
behavior for the day.
Deer will strike at you with their front feet.
They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about
head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly
sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -
like a horse - strikes at you with their hooves and you
can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to
make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the
animal.
This will usually cause them to back down a bit so
you can escape.
This was not a horse. This was a deer, so
obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a
millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed
like a woman and tried to turn and run.
The reason I had always been told NOT to try to
turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is
a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head.
Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides
being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the
second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the
head and knocked me down.
Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down,
it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not
recognize that the danger has passed.. What they do instead
is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are
laying there crying like a little girl and covering your
head.
I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the
deer went away.
So now I know why when people go deer hunting they
bring a rifle with a scope to sort of even the odds.
Green Lantern
Have Truck, Will Travel
Also from the Internet....
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
**You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit
the building!* *
So, woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first
floor the sign on the door reads:
**Floor 1 - These men have Jobs.* *
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign
reads:
**Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.* *
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
**Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.* *
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
**Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.* *
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
**Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.* *
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
**Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.* *
PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
**You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit
the building!* *
So, woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first
floor the sign on the door reads:
**Floor 1 - These men have Jobs.* *
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign
reads:
**Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.* *
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
**Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.* *
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
**Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.* *
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
**Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.* *
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
**Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.* *
PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Green Lantern
Have Truck, Will Travel
Last one...
Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about folks from Texas ...
If someone in a Lowe's store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in Texas ;
If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Texas ; If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Texas ;
If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of Dallas for the weekend, you may live in Texas ;
If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Texas ;
If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Texas ;
If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both off, you may live in Texas ;
If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Texas ;
If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and everybody's passing you, you may live in Texas ;
If you find 60 degrees 'a little chilly,' you may live in Texas ;
If you actually understand these jokes, and share them with all your Texas friends, you definitely live in Texas .
Need to be cheered up?
Happy, Texas 79042
Pep , Texas 79353
Smiley, Texas 78159
Paradise , Texas 76073
Rainbow , Texas 76077
Sweet Home , Texas 77987
Comfort , Texas 78013
Friendship, Texas 76530
Love the Sun?
Sun City , Texas 78628
Sunrise , Texas 76661
Sunset, Texas 76270
Sundown, Texas 79372
Sunray , Texas 79086
Sunny Side , Texas 77423
Want something to eat?
Bacon , Texas 76301
Noodle , Texas 79536
Oatmeal , Texas 78605
Turkey , Texas 79261
Trout , Texas 757890D
Sugar Land , Texas 77479
Salty, Texas 76567
Rice , Texas 75155
And top it off with:
Sweetwater , Texas 79556
Why travel to other cities? Texas has them all!
Detroit , Texas 75436
Colorado City , Texas 79512
Denver City , Texas 79323
Klondike , Texas 75448
Nevada , Texas 75173
Nome, 77629
Memphis , Texas 79245
Miami , Texas 79059
Boston , Texas 75570
Santa Fe , Texas 77517
Tennessee Colony , Texas 75861
Reno , Texas 75462
Feel like traveling outside the country? Don't bother buying a plane ticket!
Athens , Texas 75751
Canadian, Texas 79014
China , Texas 77613
Egypt , Texas 77436
Ireland , Texas 76538
Turkey , Texas 79261
London , Texas 76854
New London , Texas 75682
Paris , Texas 75460
No need to travel to Washington D.C.
Whitehouse , Texas 75791
We even have a city named after our planet!
Earth , Texas 79031
And a city named after our State!
Texas City , Texas 77590
Exhausted?
Energy , Texas 76452
Cold?
Blanket , Texas 76432
Winters, Texas
Like to read about History?
Santa Anna , Texas
Goliad , Texas
Alamo , Texas
Gun Barrel City, Texas
Robert lee, Texas
Need Office Supplies?
Staples, Texas 78670
Men are from Mars, women are from Venus , Texas 76084
You guessed it..it's on the state line..
Texline , Texas 79087
For the kids...
Kermit , Texas 79745
Elmo , Texas 75118
Nemo , Texas 76070
Tarzan , Texas 79783
Winnie, Texas 77665
Sylvester , Texas 79560
Other city names in Texas , to make you smile.....
Frognot , Texas 75424
Bigfoot , Texas 78005
Hogeye , Texas 75423
Cactus , Texas 79013
Notrees , Texas 79759
Best, Texas 76932
Veribest , Texas 76886
Kickapoo , Texas 75763
Dime Box , Texas 77853
Old Dime Box , Texas 77853
Telephone , Texas 75488
Telegraph , Texas 76883
Whiteface , Texas 79379
Twitty, Texas 79079
And last but not least, the Anti-Al Gore City
Kilgore , Texas 75662
And our favorites...
Cut n Shoot, Texas
Gun Barrell City , Texas
Hoop And Holler, Texas
Ding Dong, Texas and, of course,
Muleshoe , Texas
Here are some little known, very interesting facts about Texas .
1. Beaumont to El Paso : 742 miles
2. Beaumont to Chicago : 770 miles
3. El Paso is closer to California than to Dallas
4. World's first rodeo was in Pecos , July 4, 1883..
5. The Flagship Hotel in Galveston is the only hotel in North America built over water.
6. The Heisman Trophy ws named after John William Heisman who was the first full-time coach at Rice University in Houston .
7. Brazoria County has more species of birds than any other area in North America .
8. Aransas Wildlife Refuge is the winter home of North America 's only remaining flock of whooping cranes.
9. Jalapeno jelly originated in Lake Jackson in 1978.
10. The worst natural disaster in U.S . history was in 1900, caused by a hurricane, in which over 8,000 lives were lost on Galveston Island .
11. The first word spoken from the moon, July 20, 1969, was ' Houston .'
12. King Ranch in South Texas is larger than Rhode Island .
13. Tropical Storm Claudette brought a U.S. rainfall record of 43' inches 24 hours in and around Alvin in July of 1979.
14. Texas is the only state to enter the U.S. by TREATY, (known as the Constitution of 1845 by the Republic of Texas to enter the Union ) instead of by annexation. This allows the Texas Flag to fly at the same height as the U.S. Flag, and may divide into 5 states.
15. A Live Oak (known as Big Tree) near Fulton is estimated to be over 1000 years old.
16. Caddo Lake is the only natural lake in the state.
17. Dr Pepper was invented in Waco in 1885. There is no period in Dr Pepper.
18. Texas has had six capital cities: Washington -on- the Brazos, Harrisburg , Galveston , Velasco, West Columbia and Austin .
19. The Capitol Dome in Austin is the only dome in the U.S. which is taller than the Capitol Building in Washington DC (by 7 feet).
20. The name ' Texas ' comes from the Hasini Indian word 'tejas' meaning friends. Tejas is not Spanish for Texas .
21. The State Mascot is the Armadillo (an interesting bit of trivia about the armadillo is they always have four babies. They have one egg, which splits into four, and they either have four males or four
females.).
22. The first domed stadium in the U.S. was the Astrodome in Houston .
Cowboy's Ten Commandments posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Fairlie , Texas :
(1) Just one God.
(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa.
(3) No telling tales or gossipin'.
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meeting.
(5) Put nothin' before God.
(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal..
(7) No killin'.
(8) Watch yer mouth.
(9) Don't take what ain't yers.
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff
Now that's kinda plain an' simple don'tcha think?
Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about folks from Texas ...
If someone in a Lowe's store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in Texas ;
If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Texas ; If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Texas ;
If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of Dallas for the weekend, you may live in Texas ;
If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Texas ;
If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Texas ;
If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both off, you may live in Texas ;
If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Texas ;
If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and everybody's passing you, you may live in Texas ;
If you find 60 degrees 'a little chilly,' you may live in Texas ;
If you actually understand these jokes, and share them with all your Texas friends, you definitely live in Texas .
Need to be cheered up?
Happy, Texas 79042
Pep , Texas 79353
Smiley, Texas 78159
Paradise , Texas 76073
Rainbow , Texas 76077
Sweet Home , Texas 77987
Comfort , Texas 78013
Friendship, Texas 76530
Love the Sun?
Sun City , Texas 78628
Sunrise , Texas 76661
Sunset, Texas 76270
Sundown, Texas 79372
Sunray , Texas 79086
Sunny Side , Texas 77423
Want something to eat?
Bacon , Texas 76301
Noodle , Texas 79536
Oatmeal , Texas 78605
Turkey , Texas 79261
Trout , Texas 757890D
Sugar Land , Texas 77479
Salty, Texas 76567
Rice , Texas 75155
And top it off with:
Sweetwater , Texas 79556
Why travel to other cities? Texas has them all!
Detroit , Texas 75436
Colorado City , Texas 79512
Denver City , Texas 79323
Klondike , Texas 75448
Nevada , Texas 75173
Nome, 77629
Memphis , Texas 79245
Miami , Texas 79059
Boston , Texas 75570
Santa Fe , Texas 77517
Tennessee Colony , Texas 75861
Reno , Texas 75462
Feel like traveling outside the country? Don't bother buying a plane ticket!
Athens , Texas 75751
Canadian, Texas 79014
China , Texas 77613
Egypt , Texas 77436
Ireland , Texas 76538
Turkey , Texas 79261
London , Texas 76854
New London , Texas 75682
Paris , Texas 75460
No need to travel to Washington D.C.
Whitehouse , Texas 75791
We even have a city named after our planet!
Earth , Texas 79031
And a city named after our State!
Texas City , Texas 77590
Exhausted?
Energy , Texas 76452
Cold?
Blanket , Texas 76432
Winters, Texas
Like to read about History?
Santa Anna , Texas
Goliad , Texas
Alamo , Texas
Gun Barrel City, Texas
Robert lee, Texas
Need Office Supplies?
Staples, Texas 78670
Men are from Mars, women are from Venus , Texas 76084
You guessed it..it's on the state line..
Texline , Texas 79087
For the kids...
Kermit , Texas 79745
Elmo , Texas 75118
Nemo , Texas 76070
Tarzan , Texas 79783
Winnie, Texas 77665
Sylvester , Texas 79560
Other city names in Texas , to make you smile.....
Frognot , Texas 75424
Bigfoot , Texas 78005
Hogeye , Texas 75423
Cactus , Texas 79013
Notrees , Texas 79759
Best, Texas 76932
Veribest , Texas 76886
Kickapoo , Texas 75763
Dime Box , Texas 77853
Old Dime Box , Texas 77853
Telephone , Texas 75488
Telegraph , Texas 76883
Whiteface , Texas 79379
Twitty, Texas 79079
And last but not least, the Anti-Al Gore City
Kilgore , Texas 75662
And our favorites...
Cut n Shoot, Texas
Gun Barrell City , Texas
Hoop And Holler, Texas
Ding Dong, Texas and, of course,
Muleshoe , Texas
Here are some little known, very interesting facts about Texas .
1. Beaumont to El Paso : 742 miles
2. Beaumont to Chicago : 770 miles
3. El Paso is closer to California than to Dallas
4. World's first rodeo was in Pecos , July 4, 1883..
5. The Flagship Hotel in Galveston is the only hotel in North America built over water.
6. The Heisman Trophy ws named after John William Heisman who was the first full-time coach at Rice University in Houston .
7. Brazoria County has more species of birds than any other area in North America .
8. Aransas Wildlife Refuge is the winter home of North America 's only remaining flock of whooping cranes.
9. Jalapeno jelly originated in Lake Jackson in 1978.
10. The worst natural disaster in U.S . history was in 1900, caused by a hurricane, in which over 8,000 lives were lost on Galveston Island .
11. The first word spoken from the moon, July 20, 1969, was ' Houston .'
12. King Ranch in South Texas is larger than Rhode Island .
13. Tropical Storm Claudette brought a U.S. rainfall record of 43' inches 24 hours in and around Alvin in July of 1979.
14. Texas is the only state to enter the U.S. by TREATY, (known as the Constitution of 1845 by the Republic of Texas to enter the Union ) instead of by annexation. This allows the Texas Flag to fly at the same height as the U.S. Flag, and may divide into 5 states.
15. A Live Oak (known as Big Tree) near Fulton is estimated to be over 1000 years old.
16. Caddo Lake is the only natural lake in the state.
17. Dr Pepper was invented in Waco in 1885. There is no period in Dr Pepper.
18. Texas has had six capital cities: Washington -on- the Brazos, Harrisburg , Galveston , Velasco, West Columbia and Austin .
19. The Capitol Dome in Austin is the only dome in the U.S. which is taller than the Capitol Building in Washington DC (by 7 feet).
20. The name ' Texas ' comes from the Hasini Indian word 'tejas' meaning friends. Tejas is not Spanish for Texas .
21. The State Mascot is the Armadillo (an interesting bit of trivia about the armadillo is they always have four babies. They have one egg, which splits into four, and they either have four males or four
females.).
22. The first domed stadium in the U.S. was the Astrodome in Houston .
Cowboy's Ten Commandments posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Fairlie , Texas :
(1) Just one God.
(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa.
(3) No telling tales or gossipin'.
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meeting.
(5) Put nothin' before God.
(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal..
(7) No killin'.
(8) Watch yer mouth.
(9) Don't take what ain't yers.
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff
Now that's kinda plain an' simple don'tcha think?
LukeZero
Deeply Confused
Now Nick- I'm a thinkin' yer not gonna' wanna' hear this from some damn Yankee- but I hafta tell ya: This here thread be called Monday Chuckles, and this here day be called Friday. So I hafta ask- were you dropped on yer noggin as a child?
Texican
s-Moderator
- Thread starter
- #313
Now Nick- I'm a thinkin' yer not gonna' wanna' hear this from some damn Yankee- but I hafta tell ya: This here thread be called Monday Chuckles, and this here day be called Friday. So I hafta ask- were you dropped on yer noggin as a child?
If ya ask these questions ya ain't from Texas.........
Definitions for ya
Yankee
someone from north of the Red River that moves to Texas
Damn Yankee
someone from north of the Red River that moves to Texas, and marries one of our wimmen
Not to be a buzzkill, but the urban myth regarding the flag is wrong, and the treaty and division clause are taken out of context.
Texas was annexed into the United States under the Joint Resolution of 1845.
Any state flag flown on a separate staff may be flown at the height of the US flag. In a group of state flags, the US flag is center and higher.
The language of division was included to appease the pro-slavery movement, and rendered moot by Article IV, Section 3 of the US Constitution uopn Texas' re-admission to the union after the Civil War.
Surprising how many Texans don't know the interesting history of the state... just sayin'...
Bodean
Hot Damn
Well, well, Mr. Smarty Britches! Just when I thought I was gonna get to move to Texas. Damnit Chris!
Later,
Later,
KOWBOY
President
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Not to be a buzzkill, but the urban myth regarding the flag is wrong, and the treaty and division clause are taken out of context.
Texas was annexed into the United States under the Joint Resolution of 1845.
Any state flag flown on a separate staff may be flown at the height of the US flag. In a group of state flags, the US flag is center and higher.
The language of division was included to appease the pro-slavery movement, and rendered moot by Article IV, Section 3 of the US Constitution uopn Texas' re-admission to the union after the Civil War.
Surprising how many Texans don't know the interesting history of the state... just sayin'...
Never let the truth get in the way of a good story sir.
Meanwhile ... back to our reg'larly scheduled programmin':
Differences between Grandfathers and Grandmothers
A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time. Just he and his granddaughter.
One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather. 'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?'
'Oh yes, PaPa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy s*** head anywhere we went today!'
Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it...
The first blond guy joke !
The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait!
An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction wor k on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'
The blonde opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'
The Mexican's! wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'
(Oh this is GOOD!!)?
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,
' Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.
The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait!
An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction wor k on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'
The blonde opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'
The Mexican's! wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'
(Oh this is GOOD!!)?
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,
' Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.
thought this was cute
KOWBOY
President
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Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had got over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: 'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!'
'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said... 'From all of us at the Fire Station, we'll never forget you.''
The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: 'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!'
'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said... 'From all of us at the Fire Station, we'll never forget you.''
KOWBOY
President
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A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.....
He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun.
Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... Shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
'Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news.. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.' 'What's the bad news?' asked the hunter.
'The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister.' 'Well I guess that isn't too bad,' the hunter replied. 'Is your sister a plastic surgeon?' 'Not exactly.' answered the doctor.
'She's a flute player in the Syracuse Symphony. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye.'
He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun.
Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... Shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
'Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news.. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.' 'What's the bad news?' asked the hunter.
'The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister.' 'Well I guess that isn't too bad,' the hunter replied. 'Is your sister a plastic surgeon?' 'Not exactly.' answered the doctor.
'She's a flute player in the Syracuse Symphony. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye.'