Monday Chuckle

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WALMART INTERVIEW
> A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to
> fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes
> he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided
> to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their
> answer would determine which of them would get the job.
>
> The day came and as the four sat around the conference room
> table, the interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing
> you know of?'
>
> The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops
> into your head. There's no warning.
>
> 'That's very good!' replied the interviewer.
> 'And, now you sir?', he asked the second man.
>
> 'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and
> you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the
> fastest thing I know of.'
>
> 'Excellent!' said the interviewer. 'The blink
> of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed.'
> He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his
> reply.
>
> 'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the
> house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you
> flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on
> the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING
> ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.
>
> The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer
> and thought he had found his man. 'It 's hard to
> beat the speed of light,' he said.
>
> Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer
> posed the same question.
>
> Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three
> answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known
> is DIARRHEA.'
>
> 'WHAT!?' said the interviewer, stunned by the
> response.
>
> 'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day
> I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom,
> but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had
> already s*** my pants.'
>
> BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!
>
> You probably will think of this every time you enter a
> Wal-Mart from now on! :o
>
 
Why I Carry a Gun

My old grandpa said to me, 'son, there comes a time in every man's life when he stops bustin' knuckles and starts bustin' caps and usually it's
when he becomes too old to take an ass whoopin'.

I don't carry a gun to kill people. I carry a gun to keep from being killed.

[FONT=Times New
Roman]I don't carry a gun to scare people. I carry a gun because sometimes this world can be a scary place. [/FONT]

I don't carry a gun because I'm paranoid. I carry a gun because there are real threats in the world.

I don't carry a gun because I'm evil. I carry a gun because I have lived long enough to see the evil in the world.

I don't carry a gun because I hate the government. I carry a gun because I understand the limitations of government.

I don't carry a gun because I'm angry. I carry a gun so that I don't have to spend the rest of my life hating myself for failing to be prepared.

I don't carry a gun because I want to shoot someone. I carry a gun because I want to die at a ripe old age in my bed, and not on a sidewalk somewhere tomorrow afternoon.

I don't carry a gun to make me feel like a man. I carry a gun because men know how to take care of themselves and the ones they love.

I don't carry a gun because I feel inadequate. I carry a gun because, unarmed and facing three armed thugs, I am inadequate.

I don't carry a gun because I love it. I carry a gun because I love life and the people who make it meaningful to me.

Police Protection is an oxymoron. Free citizens must protect themselves. Police do not protect you from crime, they usually just investigate the crime after it happens and then call someone in to clean up the mess.

Personally, I carry a gun because I'm too young to die and too old to take an ass whoopin'.

....author unknown (but obviously brilliant) :cheers:
 
The guys were all at a deer camp.No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly.They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.They said, "Man, what happened to you?"He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."The next night it was a different guy's turn.In the morning, same thing -hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."

:flamingo:
 
A man and his wife were doing yard work. The husband said to his wife, "Gee, honey, your butt is as wide as the BBQ grill." The wife ignores his remark.

A little later, the husband, measuring tape in hand, walked over to his wife. While she was bending over to tend to her flower bed, he measured her back side. "Honey, your butt IS as wide as the grill!" She again ignores his remark.

Later that night, while in bed, the husband began to feel amorous. He starts to hug her and stroke her until the wife said, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you're out of your mind!!"

:flamingo:
 
once again, you gotta love the news

Man ticketed for driving barstool while drunk
posted by: Jeffrey Wolf 1 hr ago Toolbox: Read Comments Print Article Email Article Smaller Larger

NEWARK, Ohio - An Ohio man has been ticketed for driving while impaired. What makes this case so unusual is the driver was operating a motorized barstool.


Newark, Ohio Police say the 28-year-old suspect crashed the barstool while under the influence of alcohol on March 4.

The man claimed the barstool could reach speeds of 38 miles per hour but says he was only going 20 when the accident happened.

The suspect was not seriously hurt but he now faces charges of operating a vehicle while impaired and driving with a suspended license.
 
It was the first day of a school in the USA and a new Indian student named
Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History; who said, 'Give me liberty or give me death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:
"Patrick Henry, 1775" he said.

"Very good!"

"Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?'"

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," he said.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "F--k the Indians."

"Who said that?" she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up, "General
Custer, 1862."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Chandrasekhar says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little sh-t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004."

The teacher fainted...

And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh sh-t, we're screwed!"

And Chandrasekhar whispered quietly, "the Republicans, November 4th, 2008."
 
Why we are in trouble in America!!!
A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples:

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair
wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. While I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, she interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts " Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa '
Her response - click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando .
He said he was expecting an ocean-view room
I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, 'Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''
I said, ''No.'' She said, ''But they look so close on the map. (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at
8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical
description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'
She replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!'' After putting her on hold for a minute, while I looked into it (I was dying laughing), I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , CA is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her lug gage.

8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California , and then take the train to Hawaii ?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?'' I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was
told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

10. A lady Senator called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?'' I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane. She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11. A senior Senator called and had a
question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. ' Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.'' I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, ''Look, I' ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

12. A New Mexico Congress woman called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.'' I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?'' ''Yes, wha t flights do you have?'' replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere.' ''The lady retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?'' The reply?
''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in! Could anyone be this DUMB?
YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED!


Hope you got a good chuckle !!!
 
that's one of those jokes where you don't know whether to laugh or cry:eek:
 
This just makes me laugh!

Has anyone really looked at this pic? Look at all of the sombreros and WT hoodies! Made me laugh my ass off!

Later,
RO TREE.webp
 
A nun was walking home one evening when a man came up from behind and hauled her into the woods. He quickly pulled off her clothes and had his way with her. Looking quite pleased, he looked at her and asked "what are you going to tell Mother Superior?"
" I'm going to tell her the truth, she said. " A man grabbed me, pulled me into the woods, and had his way with me..........Twice, if he's not too tired.."


:flamingo:
 
Why Parent's Drink



A father passing by his son's bedro om was astonished to see that his bed

was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope

propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to Dad. With the

worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read

the letter.



Dear Dad:



It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope

with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and

you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But, I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing,

tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older

than I am. But it's not only the passion... Dad she's pregnant. Stacy

said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and

has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of

having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that

marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves

and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and

ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for

AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm

15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will

be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.



Love, your son John



PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just

wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report

card. That's in my center desk drawer.



I love you.
 
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?'
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions'.
'Onions?'
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?'
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.
'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes --- dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration.'

:flamingo:
 
Naw - that's my other brother Daryl......:D


(man that hits close to home:o)
 
Subject: Understanding the Bailout Operation


At last, what we've all been waiting for, an understandable explanation of
derivative markets .....

Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Detroit . In order to increase sales,
she decides to allow her loyal customers - most of whom are unemployed
alcoholics - to drink now but pay later. She keeps track of the drinks
consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).

Word gets around about Heidi's drink now pay later marketing strategy and
as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar and
soon she has the largest sale volume for any bar in Detroit. By providing
her customers' freedom from immediate payment demands, Heidi gets no
resistence when she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer,
the most consumed beverages. Her sales volume increases massively.

A young and dynamic vice-president at the local bank recognizes these
customer debts as valuable future assets and increases Heidi's borrowing
limit. He sees no reason for undue concern since he has the debts of the
alcoholics as collateral. At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert
traders transform these customer loans into DRINKBONDS, ALKIBONDS and
PUKEBONDS. These securities are then traded on security markets worldwide.
Naive investors don't really understand the securities being sold to them
as AAA secured bonds are really the debts of unemployed alcoholics.
Nevertheless, their prices continuously climb, and the securities become
the top-selling items for some of the nation's leading brokerage houses
who collect enormous fees on their sales, pay extravagant bonuses to their
sales force, and who in turn purchase exotic sports cars and multimillion
dollar condominiums.

One day, although the bond prices are still climbing, a risk manager at
the bank (subsequently fired due his negativity), decides that the time
has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at
Heidi's bar. Heidi demands payment from her alcoholic patrons, but being
unemployed they they cannot pay back their drinking debts. Therefore,
Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations and claims bankruptcy. DRINKBOND
and ALKIBOND drop in price by 90 %. PUKEBOND performs better, stabilizing
in price after dropping by 80 %. The decreased bond asset value destroys
the banks liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans. The suppliers
of Heidi's bar, having granted her generous payment extentions and having
invested in the securities are faced with writing off her debt and losing
over 80% on her bonds. Her wine supplier claims bankruptcy, her beer
supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local
plant and lays off 50 workers. The bank and brokerage houses are saved by
the Government following dramatic round-the-clock negotiations by leaders
from both political parties. The funds required for this bailout are
obtained by a tax levied on employed middle-class non-drinkers.

Finally an explanation I understand ....


Chris:cool:
 
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