Monday Chuckle

[nuclearlemon]

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog..Duh!



I was feeling a bit crabby, so on impulse I told her no, that I was starting 'The Purina Diet' again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.



Her eyes about bugged out of her head.



I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it.



I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.



I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.



Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital. I said no, I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.



I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

 

[KOWBOY]

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as
soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'

 

[KOWBOY]

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey,
I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh..'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

 

[KOWBOY]

Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when
he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.

He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist
to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife
could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this
tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.


'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'

 

[KOWBOY]

Words of wisdom.

A nice old story with a different twist - will make you appreciate family.

My grandmother died in the 50s, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the store in town, the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or washing the sidewalk.

Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13. We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day. She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family. 'And always remember this thing,' she said. 'Be sure you marry a woman with small hands.'

'How come, Grandma?' I asked her.

She answered in her soft voice. 'Makes your dick look bigger.'



Kinda brings a tear to your eye, don't it?

 

[KOWBOY]

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention .
She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.
He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.
'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.
'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.

 

[nuclearlemon]

rejected application from eharmony

 

[Bossman]

rejected application from eharmony

So sad. Is there no value placed on honesty these days?

 

[KOWBOY]

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

 

[KOWBOY]

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody!'

 

[cooper4x4]

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

For some time many of us have wondered, just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt'!

Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt', you can correct them.


Sincerely,
s***shu Knott

 

[Bodean]

Where was he from? Shinola?

Later,

 

[66fj40x2]

In addition to communicating with the local Air Traffic Control facility, all aircraft in the Persian Gulf ARO are required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' if they will be transiting Iranian airspace.
This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them your call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and destination.
I just flew with a guy who overheard this conversation on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai . It's too good not to pass along.

The conversation went something like this...
" Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace Identify yourself.'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'
Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter Send 'em up, I'll wait!'
Air Defense Radar: (no response ... total silence)

 

[nuclearlemon]

don't ask

 

[66fj40x2]

A woman was called in front of a Texas grand jury on manslaughter charges
after she shot a mugger six times in the back as he was running away with her purse.

She testified that he grabbed her purse and ran. At that very moment she had
her hand on the gun and it was still in her purse. He pulled the purse away from her leaving
the revolver still in her hand.

When asked by the grand jury why she shot the man six times in the back as
he was running away, she replied under oath:

"Because when I pulled the trigger the 7th time it only went click"

She was acquitted all charges.

 

[66fj40x2]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. 'Nurse,' he mumbles from behind the mask, 'are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet. He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine.'
The man slowly pulls Off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very very closely, 'Are - my - test - results - back?'

 

[Bodean]

A man walks into a drug store with his 10 year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter of factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.

Oh I see, replied the son. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school. He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, " why are there 3 in this package?

The dad replies, "Those are for the high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday nights.

Cool says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and picking them up he asks, then who are these for?

Those are for college men, the dad answers. Two for Friday,2 for Saturday and 2 for Sunday nights.

Wow! exclaimed the boy, then who uses these? Picking up the 12 pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies, " Those are for the Married Men! One for January, one for February, one for March.........."

 

[Bodean]

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.'

'Oh, really? Darn!' says the little old lady. 'I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me..'

'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money?' 'You didn't steal it, did you?'

'Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his weenie through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes.'

'Well, that seems only fair.' laughs the cop. OK? Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?'

'Well, you know', says the little old lady, 'not everybody pays.'

 

[KOWBOY]

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

 

[KOWBOY]

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy
to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day,about 9 months later, he came
home to his confused wife.
'Honey, she said, you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife did and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:
'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti Three with meatballs, two without - Send extra sauce .