Monday Chuckle

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Some thangs to ponder on:

1. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?

2. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

3. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

4. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

5. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

6. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

7. What hair color do they put on the driver' licences of bald men?

8. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little
spoons and forks so I wondered if Chinese mothers use toothpicks?

9. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.

10. Ever wonder about those people who spend two bucks a piece on those
little bottles of Evian water?

Try spelling Evian backwards.

11. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
section in a swimming pool?

12. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that 1
enjoys it?

13. If a convenience store is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365
days a year, why are there locks on the door?

:flamingo:
 
got this one from a co worker
mrs jones[1].webp
 
DIVORCE AGREEMENT
THIS IS SO INCREDIBLY WELL PUT AND I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE IT'S BY A YOUNG PERSON, A STUDENT!!! WHATEVER HE RUNS FOR, I'LL VOTE FOR HIM.
OUTSTANDING.
Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:
We have stuck together since the late 1950's, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course. Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.
Here is a model separation agreement:
Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.
We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NR A and the military. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell (You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them).
We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood .
You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.
We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N.. but we will no longer be paying the bill.
We'll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.
You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right. We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World.
We'll practice trickle down economics and you can give trickle up poverty your best shot. Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.
Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you ANWAR which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.
Sincerely,
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American


P.S. Also, please take Barbara Streisand & Jane Fonda with you.
 
how bad is the economy?

it's so bad women are having sex with men because they can't afford the batteries.
 
Summary of Life

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2) When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.


3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.


7) Never hold a dust-buster and a cat at the same time.


8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.


9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.


10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.


GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:


1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.


2) Wrinkles don't hurt.


3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts


4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.


5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.


6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.


GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD


1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.


2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.


3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.


4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from
a roller coaster.


5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.


6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.


7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.



THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:


1 -- You believe in Santa Claus.


2 -- You don't believe in Santa Claus.



3 -- You are Santa Claus.


4 -- You look like Santa Claus.


SUCCESS:


At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.


At age 12 success is . . . having friends.


At age 17 success is . . having a driver's license.


At age 35 success is . . having money.


At age 50 success is .. . . having money.


At age 70 success is . .. having a driver license.


At age 75 success is . . having friends.


At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.




Try to forget the troubles that pass your way;


BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day.


Have a wonderful day with many smiles



Age does not protect you from love; but love,



to some extent, protects you from age.
 
What, you ask, is 'Butt dust'? Read on and you'll discover ! These have to be
original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: 'Mom
why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't
remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties.
Mine say five to six.'

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm
going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'

BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off
the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to
open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice
again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he
replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in
it?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant.
Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her
mouth?'

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew.
Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to
take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.'
Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'


The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget .

This particular Sunday sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven
and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have
continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and
asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'
 
Red Neck Word Of The Day - OBAMA

I bought a case of beer and drank it obama self.

See, you're not too old to learn.
 
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!' The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.' The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'
 
I love this!.. I thought some of you would especially appreciate this one!

In addition to communicating with the local Air Traffic Control facility, all aircraft in the Persian Gulf AOR are required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' if they will be transiting Iranian airspace.

This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them your call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and destination.

I just flew with a guy who overheard this conversation on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai . It's too good not to pass along.



The conversation went like this...

Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'

Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'

Air Defense Radar: (no response ... total silence)

God bless our troops.
 
Sorry guys. Got too much on my mind these days "what with defendin' America's skies and all" to remember what has been posted. I'll try to do better.

Later,
 
Sorry if this has been posted before but it really applies to this country right now.
What a great Quote!

The late Dr. Adrian Rogers (1931 to 2005) Memphis , TN, offered the following observation several years ago and it bears great significance today:

"You cannot legislate the poor into freedom by legislating the rich out of freedom. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.

The government cannot give to anybody anything the government does not first take from somebody else.

When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that my dear friend is about the end of any nation."
"You cannot multiply the wealth by dividing it."
 
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