Monday Chuckle

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate
links, including eBay, Amazon, Skimlinks, and others.

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?'
Artie said: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.'
Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'
Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'


:flamingo:
 
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
'Give me one last request, dear,' he said.
'Of course, John,' his wife said softly.
'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.'
'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said.
With his last breath John said, 'I do!'

:flamingo:
 
A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'
The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'
The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'
The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, 'Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.You want my advice?'
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,'Take the poison..'

:flamingo:
 
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.'.

And then the fight started.



My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started.


When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive. So, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started..



My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'she’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.

‘‘My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.



I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF! -He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,

'I AM NOT HAPPY!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started.



When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. -But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf.-

Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'

AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED!
 
A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"

The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000."

The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?" The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!"

The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000."

The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?" The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!"

He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores."

:flamingo:
 
Two good ol' boys in a Tennessee trailer park were sittin around talkin one afternoon over a cold beer.

After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and put it to your wife while you was off huntin and she got pregnut and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinkin real hard about the question. Finally, he says, ....."Well, I don't know about kin, but it sure would make us even."
 
I got me a few liberal neighbors..... Think I need one of these signs
image0011.webp
 
The Sunday Paper

"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!" The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded,
wanting to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Madam", said the newspaper employee, ? "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered
until tomorrow,
on SUNDAY".

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as
she was heard to mutter,


"Well, s***... so that's why no one was at church today "
 
Probably fiction.... but, I can relate.

After Mr. And Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.

Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to browse.One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares - get on it right away."

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the Camping Department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets ! from the Bedding Department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the Hunting Department, he asked the clerk where the anti-depressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible"
theme.

12. December 6: In the Auto Department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

And last, but not least,

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

Regards,

Wal-Mart
 
A proctologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO
paperwork and was burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he
decided to become an auto mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes,
attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the proctologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had
obtained a score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear
ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error
in the grade."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly,
which was worth 50% of the total mark.
"You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50%
of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you
did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire
career."

:flipoff2:
 
2008 Darwin Awards

Subject: 2008 Darwin Awards

You've been waiting for them with bated breath, so without further*
ado, here are the 2008 Darwin awards.*

8th Place*
In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of*
water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to*
retrieve his car keys.*

7th Place*
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who 'totally zoned when he*
ran,' accidentally, jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.*

6th Place*
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection*
from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when*
it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach*
used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach*
him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to*
free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.*

5th Place*
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a*
bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long*
flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed*
into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.*

4th Place*
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends*
who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his*
mouth and pull the trigger.*

3rd Place*
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front*
door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the*
store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was*
standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber*
announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.*
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers*
also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the*
scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended*
cartridge cases in the shop.*
The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics*
identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.*

Honorable Mention*
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at*
2:00 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the*
window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the*
window was closed.*

Runner-Up*
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them*
said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in*
the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least*
10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival*
at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a*
bungee rope's; Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and*
pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable, lay near by. They secured*
one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His*
fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at*
the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by*
two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.*


AND THE WINNER IS....*

Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of*
animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes*
before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say*
ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an*
olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force of*
the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr Riesfeldt to the ground*
where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to*
evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of*
those freak accidents that proves... 's*** happens'.*


THE LEAST WE CAN DO IS TO COMMEMORATE THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING*
THEMSELVES FROM THE HUMAN GENE POOL...
 
During a visit to the mental hospital, I asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?
'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' I said.
'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug.

Do you want a bed near the window?'

:flamingo:
 
Grandpa and the IRS

The IRS decided to audit Grandpa, and summoned him to the IRS office.


The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay.. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye..

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'



Don't mess with old folks!
 
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America ,

Kentuckians, Tennesseans, OKies, Texans, and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.'

You must now refer to them as

APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS .

And furthermore

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a

' BREASTED AMERICAN.'

2. She is not ' EASY ' - She is

'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a

'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

4. She has 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a

'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes

' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

6. She is not a 'TWO- BIT HOOKER' - She is a

' LOW COST PROVIDER.'

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a ' BEER GUT' - He has developed a

'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is

' OVERLY CAUCASIAN .'

3. He does not ' GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He

' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in

'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of

RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

(Loved this one!)

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's

'REAR CLEAVAGE.'
 
they found out what took down the plane that crashed in the hudson
GEESE.webp
 
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says."Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
Moral of this story....
Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bull**** and brilliance only come with age and experience.

:flamingo:
 
13 Things PMS Stands For:

1. Pass My Shotgun

2. Psychotic Mood Shift

3. Perpetual Munching Spree

4. Puffy Mid-Section

5. People Make me Sick

6. Provide Me with Sweets

7. Pardon My Sobbing

8. Pimples May Surface

9. Pass My Sweat pants

10. Pissy Mood Syndrome

11. Plainly; Men Suck

12. Pack My Stuff

and my favorite one (although i like number one also)

13. Potential Murder Suspect



What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? 45 pounds.

What's the difference between a husband and a boyfriend? 45 minutes
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Users who are viewing this thread

Total: 1 (members: 0, guests: 1)

Share this page

Back
Top Bottom