had the proper pre-load, and the washer tabs were bent down to hold the nuts in place. my best guess is my helper torqued the wheel, didn't spin it a few times, and set the appropriate pre-load.
i'm just happy it's better now and that the issue was found before any serious damage occurred.
impressive how much a couple millimeters at the hub could translate into so much more at the end of a 35" tire on the road.
You can really feel it in the brakes.