Chuckle of the day...

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A BLONDE and a brunette are walking past a flower shop.

The brunette sees her boyfriend inside and says: "Oh no, my boyfriend is inside buying me flowers again."

The blonde asks: "Why is that so bad?"

The brunette says:"Every time he buys me flowers, he expects something in return and I don't feel like spending the entire weekend with my legs in the air."

The blonde asks:"Why, don't you have a vase?"
 
Maybe this will lessen the pain...
It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral."
 
Way back in the time of the samurai, there was a powerful emperor. This emperor needed a new head samurai. So, he sent out a message to everybody he knew for them to send a message to who they knew, and so forth.

A year passes, and only three people show up: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asks the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Japanese samurai opens up a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces! The emperor says, "That is very impressive!"

Then the emperor asks the Chinese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Chinese samurai opens up a matchbox and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOSH. WOOOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces! The emperor says, "That is really impressive!"

Then the emperor asks the Jewish samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Jewish samurai thinks, "If it works for the other two..." So the Jewish samurai walks in, opens a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSHHHH. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still buzzing around. The emperor says in disappointment, "Why is the fly not dead?"

And the Jewish samurai replies, "If you look closely, you'll see that the fly has been circumcised."
 
An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building when a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume.

She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says, "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."
 
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
 
British Humour


These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old, Hateful little bugger Bites!
___________________________________________
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
________________________________________________
FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
_______________________________________________________
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
________________________________________________________
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
_____________________________________________________________
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
___________________________________________________________
And the WINNER is..

FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

(Statement of the Century)
___________________________________________________________

Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.

"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,
How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
____________________________________________________________


Children Are Quick
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
 
Two men went bear hunting.
While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.
He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.
He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.
Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"
 
Two drunks walk into a bar.
The first drunk looks at his buddy and says "I gotta go use the can."
So he wanders off to the bathroom and is gone for 5 ...
10...
20 minutes.
Well his friend gets pissed off and goes in to get him.
He finds him in there and asks "What the hell are you doing?"
The first drunk repies "Everytime I flush, something reaches up and grabs my balls."
The second drunk looks at him and says"Well ya dumbass, your sittin on the mop bucket"
 
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An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.

Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

"I'm 90 years old," he says."

90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"

"Oh, sorry", says the old man, "how much do I owe you?"
 
A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden.

Immediately one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods and hot on his heels came the Game Warden.

After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up to him.

Lets see your fishin license boy the Warden gasped.

With that, the fella pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.

Well, son said the Game Warden, you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks. You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!

Yes sir, replied the young fella, but my friend back there, well, he don't have one"...
 
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place.
The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship.
All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride. While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.
It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways. At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by.
The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something.
Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply. Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't.
It's all booked up for a year.'"
 
It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge.
The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal.
When the official called yet another close one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterback blew his top.How many times can you do this to us in a single game?"
he screamed.
"You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down, and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter."
The official just stared.
The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game.
"What it comes down to," he bellowed, "is that you STINK!"
The official stared a few more seconds.
Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down.
He turned to face the steaming quarterback.
The official finally replied, "And how do I smell from here?"
 
The French President is in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Teacozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'
'Well Paddy, my name is Sarkozy' he replied. 'How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!
Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'
'Begorra!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'
'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200, 000!'

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'


'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no f****n' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'
 
At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.

"Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"

"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.

"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"
 
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, “Shut up…you’re next!”
 
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