Monday Chuckle

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There are over 11,000 male urologists in the US. But now a few women have entered the field.
A man goes to a female urologist for an exam. The female doctor says, "I am going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say 99."
The guy obeys and says, "99!"
The doctor says, "Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say 99."
Again, the guy says, "99." The doctor said, "Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I am going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I am going to hold on to your penis."
Now take a deep breath and say 99."
The guy begins, "One...two...three.."

:flamingo:
 
A somewhat drunk man feels a bald man's head and says, "Say, your head feels just like my wife's ass."
The bald man feels his own head and says with a grin,"You know, you're right!"


:flamingo:
 
The Banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty year old rancher, in town.
Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumour had it that he was marrying a 'Mail Order Bride.' Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumour was true.
Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom 'How Old' the new bride to be was.
Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty one in November."
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty year old man.
Wanting his old friends remaining years to be happy, the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take it's course.
Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.
"How's the new wife?" asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, "She's pregnant!"
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand."

Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant, too!"

:flamingo:
 
a rare glimpse at a mexican navy seal
MEXICAN NAVY SEAL.webp
 
Business is booming!

A friend of mine just started his own business, making landmines that look like prayer mats.

It’s doing well. He says prophets are going through the roof.
 
What is a woman?

A real woman is a man's best friend.



She will never stand him up and never let him down. She
will reassure him when he feels insecure and
comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire
him to do things he never thought he could
do; to live without fear and forget regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest
emotions and give in to his most intimate
desires. She will make sure he always feels as
though he's the most handsome man in the room
and will enable him to be the most confident,
sexy, seductive, invincible...





No, wait... I'm thinking of Jack Daniels.



Never mind.
 
Two rednecks, Larry and Bubba, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Larry turns to Bubba and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.'

Bubba thinks it's a good idea and the two leave. The next day, Larry goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic.

'Logic?' Larry says. 'What's that?' The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'
'Yeah.' 'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.' 'That's true, I do have a yard.' 'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logicall y that you would have a house.' 'Yes, I do have a house.' 'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.' 'Yes, I have a family' 'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.' 'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.'

Excited to take the class now, Larry shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Doug at the bar. He tells Bubba about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic. 'Logic? ' Bubba says, 'What's that?' Larry says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?' 'No.' 'Then you're a queer.'
 
apples and wine

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now men...men are just like fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the s*** out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
 
I feel a retort coming on......

LOL
Nick


nuclearlemon said:
apples and wine

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now men...men are just like fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the s*** out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
Click to expand...
 
Sex Change

Ok I have to pull out an old one...

An old high school buddy that I had not talked to in years called me up the other day.
We were talking about old times and having a good time when he asked me “You do know that I had a sex change?”
I did not know what to say.
The first thing that came to mind was “Did it hurt?”
He said well it was a little hard getting over the emotional thing thinking I am not going to be a man any more.
Then those hormone shots hurt like hell, but the worst part of it all was when they stuck that needle in the side of my head and sucked out half my brain…
 
MFerren said:
Then those hormone shots hurt like hell, but the worst part of it all was when they stuck that needle in the side of my head and sucked out half my brain…
Click to expand...

Pretty sure I can guess which head they pulled the brains from ;)
 
You guys best not pester Ige, my money is on her in any fight......
 
Ige's my friend.
...and a retort is a distillation device that turns cheap wine into expensive brandy.
LOL
Nick


Texican said:
You guys best not pester Ige, my money is on her in any fight......
Click to expand...
 
I lost in church trivia last night. The question I missed was:

Question #1, Where do most women have curly hair?

Apparently the correct answer is: Africa

I've been asked to find a new place to go to Church....
 
-Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
-Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
-We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
-The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
-If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
-Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
-Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
-Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
-Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
-Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
-If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
-If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
-If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
-If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
-Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
-I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
-A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
-A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
-I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it... so I said "Implants?"
-The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
-God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
-The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
-A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
-The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
-Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
-You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.


:flamingo:
 
all the lesbians are apparently shopping at sportsman warehouse now. they don't like dicks.
 
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "Thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."
 
Friendship among Women:

A woman didn't come home one night.
The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends.
None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night.
The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's House.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there

:flamingo:
 
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