Two of my favorite things!
Monday Chuckle
- Thread starter Texican
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Two of my favorite things!
robbed from someones facebook page
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint....it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with
mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bull**** and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with
mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bull**** and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human
beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.
'Well,' she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew
it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went
'Sssss, ssss, Sssss' and before she could say 's***,' the Rottweiler
ate her!'
The teacher had to leave the room.
beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.
'Well,' she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew
it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went
'Sssss, ssss, Sssss' and before she could say 's***,' the Rottweiler
ate her!'
The teacher had to leave the room.
Bodean
Hot Damn
The Black Bra (as told by a woman)
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..
Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all nightlong.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes.
When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said, …
"What's for dinner, Zorro?"
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..
Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all nightlong.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes.
When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said, …
"What's for dinner, Zorro?"
KOWBOY
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Sources tell me that B.P. dropped a huge wedding ring over the well and it stopped putting out immediately.
Gary Coleman's casket, even has his name on it!!!
How to sell Tooth Brushes:
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next:
"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.
The teacher held her breath ...
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!"
Then I would say,"It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
"I used the government's strategy of giving you something s***ty for free, and then making you pay to get that taste out of your mouth."
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next:
"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.
The teacher held her breath ...
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!"
Then I would say,"It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
"I used the government's strategy of giving you something s***ty for free, and then making you pay to get that taste out of your mouth."
Bodean
Hot Damn
If you're gonna be in the country illegally then at least get the ID right!
KOWBOY
President
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Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."
They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the University of Kentucky School of Law and I believe in the power of Justice to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one (you know it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from "Mississippi State University" and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."
They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the University of Kentucky School of Law and I believe in the power of Justice to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one (you know it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from "Mississippi State University" and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."
KOWBOY
President
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- Diggin' mud
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- www.elwoodwhitetrash.com
Life in a mental hospital
A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a Truck, with his hands at 10 to 2.
The nurse asks him, 'Kenny! What are you doing?' Kenny replies, 'Can't Talk right now I'm driving to LA !'
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Kenny's room just as he stops driving his imaginary truck and she asks, 'Well Kenny , how was your trip?'
Kenny says, 'I'm exhausted, I just got into LA and I need some rest.
'That's great,' replied the nurse, 'I'm glad you had a safe trip.
The nurse leaves Kenny's room and then goes across the hall into another patients' room and finds Davo sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.
Shocked, she shouts, 'Davo what are you doing ??'
To which Davo replies, Shhh, I'm shagging Kenny's wife while he's in LA.
A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a Truck, with his hands at 10 to 2.
The nurse asks him, 'Kenny! What are you doing?' Kenny replies, 'Can't Talk right now I'm driving to LA !'
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Kenny's room just as he stops driving his imaginary truck and she asks, 'Well Kenny , how was your trip?'
Kenny says, 'I'm exhausted, I just got into LA and I need some rest.
'That's great,' replied the nurse, 'I'm glad you had a safe trip.
The nurse leaves Kenny's room and then goes across the hall into another patients' room and finds Davo sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.
Shocked, she shouts, 'Davo what are you doing ??'
To which Davo replies, Shhh, I'm shagging Kenny's wife while he's in LA.
At a time when our president and other politicians tend to apologize for our country's prior actions, here's a refresher on how some of our former patriots handled negative comments about our country.
These
are good
JFK'S
Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60's when
DeGaule decided to pull out of NATO. DeGaule said he wanted all US
military out of France as soon as possible.
Rusk responded,
"Does that include those who are buried here?"
DeGuale
did not respond.
You
could have heard a pin drop.
When in England ,
at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the
Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of
'empire building' by George Bush.
He answered by saying,
"Over the years, the United States has sent many of
its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom
beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for
in return is enough to bury those that did not
return."
You
could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a conference in France
where a number of international engineers
were taking part, including French and American. During a break,
one of the French engineers came back into the room saying, "Have you
heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft
carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he
intend to do, bomb them?"
A Boeing engineer
stood up and replied quietly: "Our carriers have three
hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are
nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to
shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to
feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand
gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a
dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and
from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships;
how many does France have?"
You
could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A U.S. Navy Admiral
was attending a naval conference that included
Admirals from the U.S.., English, Canadian, Australian and French
Navies At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large
group of officers that included personnel from most of those countries.
Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a
French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many
languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked, "Why is it that
we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than
speaking French?"
Without hesitating,
the American Admiral replied, "Maybe it's because the
Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't
have to speak German."
You
could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AND
THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE...
Robert Whiting,
an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane.
At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport
in his carry on.
"You
have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked
sarcastically.
Mr. Whiting
admitted that he had been to France
previously.
"Then
you should know enough to have your passport ready."
The American said,
"The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible.
Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France !"
The American senior
gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he
quietly explained, ''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in
1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen
to show a passport to."
You
could have heard a pin drop.
These
are good
JFK'S
Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60's when
DeGaule decided to pull out of NATO. DeGaule said he wanted all US
military out of France as soon as possible.
Rusk responded,
"Does that include those who are buried here?"
DeGuale
did not respond.
You
could have heard a pin drop.
When in England ,
at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the
Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of
'empire building' by George Bush.
He answered by saying,
"Over the years, the United States has sent many of
its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom
beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for
in return is enough to bury those that did not
return."
You
could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a conference in France
where a number of international engineers
were taking part, including French and American. During a break,
one of the French engineers came back into the room saying, "Have you
heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft
carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he
intend to do, bomb them?"
A Boeing engineer
stood up and replied quietly: "Our carriers have three
hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are
nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to
shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to
feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand
gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a
dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and
from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships;
how many does France have?"
You
could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A U.S. Navy Admiral
was attending a naval conference that included
Admirals from the U.S.., English, Canadian, Australian and French
Navies At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large
group of officers that included personnel from most of those countries.
Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a
French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many
languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked, "Why is it that
we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than
speaking French?"
Without hesitating,
the American Admiral replied, "Maybe it's because the
Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't
have to speak German."
You
could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AND
THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE...
Robert Whiting,
an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane.
At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport
in his carry on.
"You
have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked
sarcastically.
Mr. Whiting
admitted that he had been to France
previously.
"Then
you should know enough to have your passport ready."
The American said,
"The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible.
Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France !"
The American senior
gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he
quietly explained, ''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in
1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen
to show a passport to."
You
could have heard a pin drop.
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'
The nun agreed.
A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'
The nun replied, 'He went that way.'
After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said,
'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Afghanistan.'
The nun said, 'I understand completely.'
The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'
The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Afghanistan either.'
The nun agreed.
A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'
The nun replied, 'He went that way.'
After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said,
'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Afghanistan.'
The nun said, 'I understand completely.'
The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'
The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Afghanistan either.'
Texican
s-Moderator
- Thread starter
- #617
A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life... A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. All the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever..
At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. With all eyes staring at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist.
At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. With all eyes staring at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist.
i need these labels
Bodean
Hot Damn
TWENTY DOLLARS
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that She needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that His employer was going through a process of corporate Downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find Another position that paid anywhere near what He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of depositsissued By the bank which were worth over $2 million, And informed him that they Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut!
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that She needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that His employer was going through a process of corporate Downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find Another position that paid anywhere near what He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of depositsissued By the bank which were worth over $2 million, And informed him that they Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut!
KOWBOY
President
- Joined
- Mar 21, 2005
- Threads
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- Messages
- 5,878
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- Diggin' mud
- Website
- www.elwoodwhitetrash.com
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room.
He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb."
The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red. The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself" Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb."
The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red. The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself" Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"