Chuckle of the day...
- Thread starter TRchieD
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- Thread starter
- #22
Shortly after I got married, I was invited out for a night out with the boys. I told the wife that I would be home by midnight...
Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down easy, and at around 3 AM, drunk as a skunk, I went home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for having the presence of mind, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict. Next morning the wife asked me what time I got in. I told her 12 o'clock.
Whew! Got away with that one!
Then she told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she said, "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, cuckooed another 4 times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, farted, then cuckooed twice more and started giggling."
Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down easy, and at around 3 AM, drunk as a skunk, I went home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for having the presence of mind, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict. Next morning the wife asked me what time I got in. I told her 12 o'clock.
Whew! Got away with that one!
Then she told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she said, "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, cuckooed another 4 times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, farted, then cuckooed twice more and started giggling."
- Thread starter
- #23
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and wanted something appropriate as they had not been dating very long. After careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I were there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year!
All my love.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I were there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year!
All my love.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
- Thread starter
- #24
A balding, white haired man from Bellville, Texas , walked into a jewelry store in a local mall this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'by check. I'm know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There'sonly $25 in that account.'
'I know, said the old man,
'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'by check. I'm know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There'sonly $25 in that account.'
'I know, said the old man,
'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be the boss.
The brain said, "since I control everything and do all the thinking, I should be the boss."
The feet said, "since I carry man where he wants to go and get him in position to do what the brain wants, then I should be the boss."
The hands said, "since I must do all the work and earn all the money to keep the rest of you going, I should be the boss."
And so it went with the eyes, the heart, the lungs, and all the other parts of the body, each giving the reason why they should be the boss.
Finally, the a****** spoke up and said it was going to be the boss.
All the other parts laughed and laughed at the idea of the a****** being the boss. The a****** got so angry that he blocked himself off and refused to function.
Soon the brain was feverish and could barely think, the feet felt like lead weights and was almost too weak to drag the body anywhere, the eyes grew bleary, and the hands hung useless at the sides. All pleaded with the brain to let the a****** be declared the boss.
And so it happened; all the other parts did all the work and the a****** just bossed and passed out a lot of crap.
THE MORAL: You don't have to be a brain to be a boss, just an old a******.
Alternate moral: No matter how well things are going, it can all be shut down by a single a******.
The brain said, "since I control everything and do all the thinking, I should be the boss."
The feet said, "since I carry man where he wants to go and get him in position to do what the brain wants, then I should be the boss."
The hands said, "since I must do all the work and earn all the money to keep the rest of you going, I should be the boss."
And so it went with the eyes, the heart, the lungs, and all the other parts of the body, each giving the reason why they should be the boss.
Finally, the a****** spoke up and said it was going to be the boss.
All the other parts laughed and laughed at the idea of the a****** being the boss. The a****** got so angry that he blocked himself off and refused to function.
Soon the brain was feverish and could barely think, the feet felt like lead weights and was almost too weak to drag the body anywhere, the eyes grew bleary, and the hands hung useless at the sides. All pleaded with the brain to let the a****** be declared the boss.
And so it happened; all the other parts did all the work and the a****** just bossed and passed out a lot of crap.
THE MORAL: You don't have to be a brain to be a boss, just an old a******.
Alternate moral: No matter how well things are going, it can all be shut down by a single a******.
The Lone Ranger's Last Request
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by a hostile Indian War Party.
The Indian Chief proclaimed,
So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger
"In honor of the Buffalo Hunt YOU will be sacrificed in three days."
"Before we kill you , I grant you three requests."
"What is your FIRST request?"
The Lone Ranger said , " I'd like to speak to my horse"
The chief nodded and Silver was brought, Before the Lone Ranger who whispered in Silver's ear and the horse galloped away . Later that evening , Silver returned with a BEAUTIFUL BLONDE woman on his back . As the Chief watched , the blonde entered the Lone Ranger's tent and spent the night .
The next morning the Chief admitted that he was impressed, " You have a very fine and loyal horse,
But we will still kil you in two days."
"What is your SECOND request?"
The Lone Ranger again asked to speak to his horse. Silver came to him and he again whispered in the horse's ear. As before, Silver took off and disappeared over the horizon .
Later that evening , to the Chief's surprise , Silver again returned . This time with a voluptuous brunette , even more attractive than the blonde . She entered the Lone Ranger's tent and spent the night . The following morning the Chief said: "You are indeed a man of many talents,but we will still kill you tomorrow." "What is your LAST request?"
The Lone Ranger responded , " I'd like to speak to my horse - ALONE ."
The Chief was curious, but he agreed,and Silver was brought to The Lone Ranger's tent. Once they were alone,
The Lone Ranger grabbed Silver by both ears,
LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY !
FOR....THE....LAST....TIME....
BRING POSSE !!
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by a hostile Indian War Party.
The Indian Chief proclaimed,
So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger
"In honor of the Buffalo Hunt YOU will be sacrificed in three days."
"Before we kill you , I grant you three requests."
"What is your FIRST request?"
The Lone Ranger said , " I'd like to speak to my horse"
The chief nodded and Silver was brought, Before the Lone Ranger who whispered in Silver's ear and the horse galloped away . Later that evening , Silver returned with a BEAUTIFUL BLONDE woman on his back . As the Chief watched , the blonde entered the Lone Ranger's tent and spent the night .
The next morning the Chief admitted that he was impressed, " You have a very fine and loyal horse,
But we will still kil you in two days."
"What is your SECOND request?"
The Lone Ranger again asked to speak to his horse. Silver came to him and he again whispered in the horse's ear. As before, Silver took off and disappeared over the horizon .
Later that evening , to the Chief's surprise , Silver again returned . This time with a voluptuous brunette , even more attractive than the blonde . She entered the Lone Ranger's tent and spent the night . The following morning the Chief said: "You are indeed a man of many talents,but we will still kill you tomorrow." "What is your LAST request?"
The Lone Ranger responded , " I'd like to speak to my horse - ALONE ."
The Chief was curious, but he agreed,and Silver was brought to The Lone Ranger's tent. Once they were alone,
The Lone Ranger grabbed Silver by both ears,
LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY !
FOR....THE....LAST....TIME....
BRING POSSE !!
The Old Pilot
You think you have lived to be 80 and know who you are , then along comes someone and blows it all to hell !!
An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks,still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee .
As he sat sipping his coffee , a young woman sat down next to him . She turned to the pilot and asked , "Are you a real pilot ?"
He replied , " Well , I've spent my whole life flying planes , first Stearman's , then the early Grumman's ...flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII , and later in the Korean conflict , Banshees and Cougar's . I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds , so I guess I am a pilot , and you , what are you ?
She said , I'm a lesbian . I spend my whole day thinking about naked women . As soon as I get up in the morning , I think about naked women . When I shower , I think about naked women . When I watch TV , I think about naked women . It seems everything makes me think of naked women .
The two sat sipping in silence .
A little while later , a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot ?"
He replied , " I always thought I was , but I just found out I'm a LESBIAN ."
You think you have lived to be 80 and know who you are , then along comes someone and blows it all to hell !!
An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks,still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee .
As he sat sipping his coffee , a young woman sat down next to him . She turned to the pilot and asked , "Are you a real pilot ?"
He replied , " Well , I've spent my whole life flying planes , first Stearman's , then the early Grumman's ...flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII , and later in the Korean conflict , Banshees and Cougar's . I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds , so I guess I am a pilot , and you , what are you ?
She said , I'm a lesbian . I spend my whole day thinking about naked women . As soon as I get up in the morning , I think about naked women . When I shower , I think about naked women . When I watch TV , I think about naked women . It seems everything makes me think of naked women .
The two sat sipping in silence .
A little while later , a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot ?"
He replied , " I always thought I was , but I just found out I'm a LESBIAN ."
- Thread starter
- #31
Did you see that?
Two guys are out hunting deer.
The first guy says, "Did you see that?"
"No," the second guy says."
Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says."
Oh," says the second guy.
A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, "Did you see that?"
"See what?" the second guy asks."
Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there."
"Oh" says the second guy.
A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?"
By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!"
And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"
Two guys are out hunting deer.
The first guy says, "Did you see that?"
"No," the second guy says."
Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says."
Oh," says the second guy.
A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, "Did you see that?"
"See what?" the second guy asks."
Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there."
"Oh" says the second guy.
A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?"
By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!"
And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"
Hello.... My is Johnny Cash .......I can hear that train a comin it's comin down the track .....
An oldie, but here it is:
-----------------------------------
A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
"Hi, is Howard home?" he asks.
"No, I'm sorry, he's out running some errands," she replies.
"Would you mind if I wait?" he asks.
"No, that would be fine. Come on in," she says.
They go into the kitchen, sit down, and the guy says, "You know, Laura, you have the most beautiful breasts I've ever seen. I'll give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
Laura thinks about it for a second and figures what the heck. She opens her robe and lets him see one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit a while longer and Ben says, "They really are so beautiful. I just have to see both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see both of them together."
Laura thinks about it and figures what the heck. She opens her robe and gives Ben a nice long look. He thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table and says, "I really can't wait any longer. Please tell Howard I stopped by," and leaves.
A short while later, Howard arrives home and Laura greets him at the door. "Your friend Ben stopped by to see you," she says.
Howard thinks for a moment and asks, "Did he happen to drop off the two hundred bucks he owes me?"
-----------------------------------
A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
"Hi, is Howard home?" he asks.
"No, I'm sorry, he's out running some errands," she replies.
"Would you mind if I wait?" he asks.
"No, that would be fine. Come on in," she says.
They go into the kitchen, sit down, and the guy says, "You know, Laura, you have the most beautiful breasts I've ever seen. I'll give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
Laura thinks about it for a second and figures what the heck. She opens her robe and lets him see one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit a while longer and Ben says, "They really are so beautiful. I just have to see both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see both of them together."
Laura thinks about it and figures what the heck. She opens her robe and gives Ben a nice long look. He thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table and says, "I really can't wait any longer. Please tell Howard I stopped by," and leaves.
A short while later, Howard arrives home and Laura greets him at the door. "Your friend Ben stopped by to see you," she says.
Howard thinks for a moment and asks, "Did he happen to drop off the two hundred bucks he owes me?"
- Thread starter
- #34
At an art exhibition two women were staring at a painting entitled, "Home for Lunch".
The painting was of three very naked, and very black men, sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on both ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis. The two women were standing there, staring at the picture, scratching their heads and trying to figure this out. The artist walked by and noticed the women's confusion. "Can I help you with this painting?" he asked.
"Well, yes" said the one woman. "We were curious about the picture of the black men on the bench. Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?"
"Oh," said the artist. "I'm afraid you've misunderstood the painting. The three men are not African-Americans, they're coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went "Home for Lunch."
The painting was of three very naked, and very black men, sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on both ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis. The two women were standing there, staring at the picture, scratching their heads and trying to figure this out. The artist walked by and noticed the women's confusion. "Can I help you with this painting?" he asked.
"Well, yes" said the one woman. "We were curious about the picture of the black men on the bench. Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?"
"Oh," said the artist. "I'm afraid you've misunderstood the painting. The three men are not African-Americans, they're coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went "Home for Lunch."
That is to freakin funny !!!!!!
Here's a good one all of us should be crying about .
Are you ready?
Are you ready?
crushers
post ho
huh??
that supposed to be funny?
fawker.
that supposed to be funny?
fawker.
People of all faiths need to remember these Four Great Religious Truths:
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.
2. Jews do not recognize Christ as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian
world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters or the Liquor store.
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.
2. Jews do not recognize Christ as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian
world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters or the Liquor store.
