Chuckle of the day...

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A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures from Paris, France. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed.

He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.

At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door.

He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said: "Come on guys, we're almost there!"
 
Ads on the bus...
A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing. She complained to the driver and had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this, When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, "The Gold Dust Twins are coming" and I had to smile. "

"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Slogan's Liniment will reduce the swelling" and I had to grin."

"Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly control myself."

"BUT....when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident." I couldn't help not laughing out loud."

"Case Dismissed" said the Judge.
 
THE ITALIAN VIRGINITY TEST

Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a Virgin

His doctor says ... " Mario , all the Italian men I know use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself Virinity Test Kit a small can of red paint , a small can of blue paint and a shovel . "

Mario asks ... " And what do I do with these things , doc ?"

The doctor replies ...." Before you climb into bed on your wedding night , you paint one of your balls RED and the other ball BLUE. "

If she says .... That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen ! .....you hit her with the Shovel !
 
Again

LOUD SEX

A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
'I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes,
He lets out this ear splitting yell.'

'My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural.
I don't see what the problem is..'
'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!'
 
I can finally contribute to this thread

SEX & ARGUMENTS

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary The husband yelled, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'.'

'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'
 
Love 'em all but love the last one best of all!
 
A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a large trucker sit down at the counter and order, "Gimme 3 flat tires and a couple of headlights."

Bewildered he goes to the kitchen and tells the cook, "I think this guy's in the wrong store, look at what he ordered!"

The cook says, "He wants 3 pancakes & 2 eggs sunny-side up."

The waiter takes a bowl of beans to the trucker.

He looks at it and growls, "What's this? I didn't order this!"

The young man tells him, "The cook says that while you're waiting for your parts you might as well gas up!"
 
A man owned a small farm in Ireland. The Irish Government Wage & Hours Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the agent.

'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years.
I pay him 200 Euros a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her 150 Euros per week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about 10 Euros per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to ... the half-wit,' says the agent.

'That would be me,' replied the farmer
 
Two priests are off to the showers late one night.

They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, while he is halfway down the hall
he sees three nuns heading his way....
Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.

The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".

To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood.
Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.

Now the third nun decides to have a go.
She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens.
So she gives several more tugs, then yells....

"Holy Mary, Mother of God, HAND LOTION TOO !!!
 
.........
once-upon-a-time.webp
 
Have Andrew tell you the story of him and Archie stuck on the hill at Hard Rock .

PS : Steve are you ok ?
 
I'm OK. As OK as I can get anyway :rolleyes:
 
When love Fades

When Love Fades...


Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's' voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner my Love? Chicken, beef or lamb?"

I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

She replied "You're having soup, a******. I was talking to the cat!"
 
Geography

------------------------------------------------
GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!




Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe .Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.



Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.




Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece , gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.




Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , with a glorious and all conquering past.




Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.




Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.


After 70, she becomes Tibet .. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.


THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN


Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran ,... Ruled by nuts.


THE END.
 
Redneck. Some old, some new

Some Old, Some new

You're An EXTREME Redneck When..... in

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night..

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying 'Hey, guys, watch this'.

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines'.

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
 
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