Chuckle of the day...

crushers

post ho
 
 
Joined
Feb 10, 2004
Messages
22,188
Location
Tara Ontario
I would like to share a personal experience with my closest friends about
drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the
authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over the
years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had a
couple of cocktails and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something
I've never done before ~ I took a cab home. Sure enough, I passed a police
road block but, since it was a cab, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have
never driven a cab before and am not sure where I got it or what to do with
it, now that it's in my garage.
 
Joined
Aug 5, 2011
Messages
1,864
Location
Chapel Hill ,TN
"...It does not require a majority to prevail, but rather an irate, tireless minority keen to set brush fires in people's minds.."
--Samuel Adams
 

Gwagg

SILVER Star
 
Joined
Mar 28, 2006
Messages
234
Location
Central FLorida
I miss this thread getting updated regularly...


A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."

"Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty sneaky. I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"

"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed.
"
 

Gwagg

SILVER Star
 
Joined
Mar 28, 2006
Messages
234
Location
Central FLorida
The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist...

Best friends graduating from medical school at the same time decided that in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors. The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

The docs changed it to read: Schizoids and Hemorrhoids. This was also not acceptable so they again changed the sign to read Catatonics and High Colonics - no go. Next they tried Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives - thumbs down again.

Then came Minds and Behinds - still no good. Another attempt resulted in Lost Souls and Butt Holes - unacceptable again! So they tried Nuts and Butts - no way. Freaks and Cheeks - still no good. Loons and Moons - forget it. Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with:

Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends.

Everybody loved it...
 

TRchieD

 
Joined
Jul 3, 2007
Messages
497
Location
Florida
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.

As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently.. Are you OK?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Pepper."
 

TRchieD

 
Joined
Jul 3, 2007
Messages
497
Location
Florida
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gaping hole in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere. Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay. Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are ya do in Billy Bob? "Good heavens…Cletus ya scared the bejeezers out of me" says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me 'n the old lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor.
 

TRchieD

 
Joined
Jul 3, 2007
Messages
497
Location
Florida
Ollie was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, his foolish dog knocked the gun over, it went off and Ollie took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin.
Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to...and there was his doctor, Howard.
"Well Ollie, I got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and I was able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?", asks Ollie
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lorna ."
"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ollie. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly," Howard says. "She's a flute player in the Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers, so you don't piss in your eye."
 

TRchieD

 
Joined
Jul 3, 2007
Messages
497
Location
Florida
A Texas blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs.
The sign says: 'SEX FROGS' Only $20 each! Comes with complete instructions.

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!'

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!'

The Texas blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nighty.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . . NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.'

So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!'

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and STERNLY says

LISTEN TO ME!...I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE ... MORE ..... TIME!!!
 

TRchieD

 
Joined
Jul 3, 2007
Messages
497
Location
Florida
The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200.
They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the Vet what was happening. “Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side.”
The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, “Did you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois?”
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. “You are truly a wise Vet,” they said. “How did you know we got the cow in Illinois?”
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, “My wife is from Illinois.”
 

TRchieD

 
Joined
Jul 3, 2007
Messages
497
Location
Florida
Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady. "Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight," she replied.

"Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world!"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, "I outlived the bit ches."
 

TRchieD

 
Joined
Jul 3, 2007
Messages
497
Location
Florida
A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell.

The wife answers the door.
"Hi, is Tony home?"
"No, he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
"No come in."

They sit down and the friend says, "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."

Sara thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says, "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together."

Sara thinks about this and says what the hell opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about this for a second and says, "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
 

TRchieD

 
Joined
Jul 3, 2007
Messages
497
Location
Florida
One Monday morning, a mailman was walking through the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approached one of the homes, Bob, a homeowner, was coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow, Bob, looks like you guys had a hell of a party this weekend," the mailman commented.
Bob replied, "We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over and things got a bit wild. We got so drunk that we started playing 'Who Am I?'"
"How do you play that?" the mailman asked.
Bob continued, "Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our units showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughed and said, "I'm sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responded, "Your name was guessed four or five times."
 

RSHARPfzj80

Appalachia Cruisers
Joined
Mar 23, 2011
Messages
2,584
Location
Knoxville, Tn
TRchieD said:
A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell.

The wife answers the door.
"Hi, is Tony home?"
"No, he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
"No come in."

They sit down and the friend says, "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."

Sara thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says, "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together."

Sara thinks about this and says what the hell opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about this for a second and says, "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
Now that's funny Archie ! Sounds like my kinda luck
 

FL cruiser

 
 
Joined
Jul 22, 2004
Messages
1,664
Location
St Petersburg, Florida
Subject: The Ex wife





Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon,

he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt..



His wife was standing there at the bench watching him.

After along period of silence she finally speaks.



Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, handloading, and fishing.

Maybe you should sell your guns, boat & airplane.



Tim gets this horrified look on his face.



She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"



”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”



"Ex wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"



”I wasn't “
 
Joined
Aug 5, 2011
Messages
1,864
Location
Chapel Hill ,TN
[STRIKE][/STRIKE]The Last Nickel:

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face.. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue
business suit, is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and
sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.


Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles, and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first, and then firmly.




After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand, and puts it in her purse-along with the other two nickels.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.



As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the
Father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

'No,' the woman replied. ‘I'm with the IRS.'

 

CruiseOrlando

Conveniently Enhanced
Joined
Feb 19, 2011
Messages
2,447
Location
Orlando, FL
Do you know how to catch an elephant?


First, you dig a hole, and then you fill it with ashes.


Second, you surround the hold with peas, and wait.


When the elephant comes to take a pea, kick him in the ash hole.
 

CruiseOrlando

Conveniently Enhanced
Joined
Feb 19, 2011
Messages
2,447
Location
Orlando, FL
Two old drunks

I pointed to two old drunks across the bar from us and told my mate, "That'll be us in ten years."

My friend said, "That's a mirror, you dickhead. "
 

Attachments

Top Bottom