thought this was cute
Monday Chuckle (1 Viewer)
- Thread starter Texican
- Start date
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Green Lantern
Have Truck, Will Travel
Okay.... please explain Ige?
Rains Down in Africa was a song by Toto. Kansas did "Dust in the Wind."
Or was the joke sumthin else?
Nick
Rains Down in Africa was a song by Toto. Kansas did "Dust in the Wind."
Or was the joke sumthin else?
Nick
Okay.... please explain Ige?
Rains Down in Africa was a song by Toto. Kansas did "Dust in the Wind."
Or was the joke sumthin else?
Umm, the dogs name was Toto...
Bodean
Hot Damn
And it's out of here! Nice Daryl!
Green Lantern
Have Truck, Will Travel
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem --- how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. And I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm, and carry the goose in your other hand?'
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'
However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem --- how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. And I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm, and carry the goose in your other hand?'
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'
I figured this was headed for "hold my cock and pullet".
know it`s not Monday but
--- BEST "LITTLE JOHNNY" JOKE
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan , who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.
'Very good!' Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'
Again, no response except from Little Akio: 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.
'Excellent!', said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more difficult...'
Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'
Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: 'John F. Kennedy, 1961'.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: 'F*@ k the Japs,'.
'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded.
Little Akio put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks, 'All right!!! Now who said that!?'
Again, Little Akio says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little s*@t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'
Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004.'
The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh crap, We're screwed!'
Little Akio said quietly, 'The American people, November 4, 2008 .'
--- BEST "LITTLE JOHNNY" JOKE
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan , who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.
'Very good!' Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'
Again, no response except from Little Akio: 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.
'Excellent!', said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more difficult...'
Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'
Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: 'John F. Kennedy, 1961'.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: 'F*@ k the Japs,'.
'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded.
Little Akio put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks, 'All right!!! Now who said that!?'
Again, Little Akio says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little s*@t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'
Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004.'
The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh crap, We're screwed!'
Little Akio said quietly, 'The American people, November 4, 2008 .'
Texican
s-Moderator
- Thread starter
- #852
The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I sat up and watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the ass and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I sat up and watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the ass and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."
Texican
s-Moderator
- Thread starter
- #854
Blonde Phone Call..... "Hi Mom, How are you?"
"Hi Sally, where are you? I thought you were with your father at the Ace Hardware"
"Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone call"
"What happened?" "Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the head."
"What on earth, why did you do that?"
"Well it wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a Black & Decker......"
"Hi Sally, where are you? I thought you were with your father at the Ace Hardware"
"Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone call"
"What happened?" "Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the head."
"What on earth, why did you do that?"
"Well it wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a Black & Decker......"
Texican
s-Moderator
- Thread starter
- #855
On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.
The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.
She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied.
She tasted another drop And asked, "Champagne"?
"No," said the little boy.... "It's a puppy."*.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.
The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.
She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied.
She tasted another drop And asked, "Champagne"?
"No," said the little boy.... "It's a puppy."*.
Texican
s-Moderator
- Thread starter
- #856
Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.
Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.
Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.
"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...."
Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.
So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.
He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.
Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.
"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...."
Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.
So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.
He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
Texican
s-Moderator
- Thread starter
- #857
An American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal
Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked.
Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna..
The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it
took to catch them.
The Mexican replied, "only a little while."
The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish?
The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.
The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my
children, take siestas with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each
evening where I sip wine, and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full
and busy life."
The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you.
You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat.
With the proceeds from the bigger boat, you could buy several boats,
eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats.
Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually
opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing,
and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village
and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually New York City,
where you will run your expanding enterprise."
The Mexican fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?"
To which the American replied, "15 - 20 years."
"But what then?" asked the Mexican.
The American laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time
is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the
public and become very rich, you would make millions!"
"Millions ... then what?"
The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal
fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your
kids, take siestas with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where
you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."
Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked.
Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna..
The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it
took to catch them.
The Mexican replied, "only a little while."
The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish?
The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.
The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my
children, take siestas with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each
evening where I sip wine, and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full
and busy life."
The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you.
You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat.
With the proceeds from the bigger boat, you could buy several boats,
eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats.
Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually
opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing,
and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village
and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually New York City,
where you will run your expanding enterprise."
The Mexican fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?"
To which the American replied, "15 - 20 years."
"But what then?" asked the Mexican.
The American laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time
is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the
public and become very rich, you would make millions!"
"Millions ... then what?"
The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal
fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your
kids, take siestas with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where
you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."
DAUGHTER'S Decision
My Daughter walked into the family living room last night and said:
"Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget the College tuition, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window; take my TV, IPhone, IPod, and my laptop.
Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters.
Then sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house.
Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any one that wants it."
Well, she didn't put it quite like that, She actually said................................................................... ...
"Dad, meet my new boyfriend - Muhammed.
We're going to work together on President Obama's reelection campaign.
My Daughter walked into the family living room last night and said:
"Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget the College tuition, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window; take my TV, IPhone, IPod, and my laptop.
Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters.
Then sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house.
Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any one that wants it."
Well, she didn't put it quite like that, She actually said................................................................... ...
"Dad, meet my new boyfriend - Muhammed.
We're going to work together on President Obama's reelection campaign.
Green Lantern
Have Truck, Will Travel
W.L. reminded me of this. It's a repost, but I still think it's cool. Someone sent me the letter and I wrote the response.
What could be worse for a mother?
A mother enters her daughter's bedroom & sees a letter over the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands:
"It is with great regret & sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion & he is so nice, with all his piercing & tattoos & his big motorcycle.
But it's not only that mom, I'm pregnant & Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me & that's one of my dreams.
I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone & we'll be growing it for us & his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine & ecstasies we may want.
In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it.
Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now & I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit for you to know your grandchildren."
Your daughter, Judith
PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than the school's report card that's in my desk drawer...I love you
My response....
Judy,
I know you hate that name, but what the hell... it fits.
I certainly hope that you and Ahmed find happiness. Everyone has to leave home someday. I'm certain you'll get along fine without access to a car, a phone, or a computer. In fact, I'm sure that Ahmed will teach you just what you need to know to support him and nothing else. Remember to keep warm when you start walking the streets.
I know you'll enjoy the motorcycle rides. You should switch to glasses and get rid of the contacts. Wind and grit will permanently scar your eyes if you insist on wearing contacts on the road. Don't forget that club soda will lift the bug goo out of your clothes and hair.
A trailer in the woods sounds great. I'm sure the kids will have lots to do. It will be very exciting for you to keep your children away from things that slither and Ahmed's toys that go BOOM. I'm sure Ahmed's friends will stay over often too (or they will barge in thinking your trailer looks like theirs). With all these guys puking around the trailer and forcing you in bed, I know you'll never miss having a television.
I'm sure you and Ahmed will do okay with the pot, coke, and XTC (yes dear, I know the proper spelling). I want you to succeed in business. Don't smoke your stock and keep sober during the deals. Otherwise you'll lose all your weed and have to find another line of work. Refer to my first paragraph.
I love you always,
Mom
P.S. Thank you for showing me there are worse things than your latest report card. Your father and I love you very much and we know you are talented, intelligent, and perceptive. Therefore to increase your focus on the important things in life, you are grounded without allowance and on permanent kitchen duty until your grades improve. XOXO Mom
What could be worse for a mother?
A mother enters her daughter's bedroom & sees a letter over the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands:
"It is with great regret & sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion & he is so nice, with all his piercing & tattoos & his big motorcycle.
But it's not only that mom, I'm pregnant & Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me & that's one of my dreams.
I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone & we'll be growing it for us & his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine & ecstasies we may want.
In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it.
Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now & I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit for you to know your grandchildren."
Your daughter, Judith
PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than the school's report card that's in my desk drawer...I love you
My response....
Judy,
I know you hate that name, but what the hell... it fits.
I certainly hope that you and Ahmed find happiness. Everyone has to leave home someday. I'm certain you'll get along fine without access to a car, a phone, or a computer. In fact, I'm sure that Ahmed will teach you just what you need to know to support him and nothing else. Remember to keep warm when you start walking the streets.
I know you'll enjoy the motorcycle rides. You should switch to glasses and get rid of the contacts. Wind and grit will permanently scar your eyes if you insist on wearing contacts on the road. Don't forget that club soda will lift the bug goo out of your clothes and hair.
A trailer in the woods sounds great. I'm sure the kids will have lots to do. It will be very exciting for you to keep your children away from things that slither and Ahmed's toys that go BOOM. I'm sure Ahmed's friends will stay over often too (or they will barge in thinking your trailer looks like theirs). With all these guys puking around the trailer and forcing you in bed, I know you'll never miss having a television.
I'm sure you and Ahmed will do okay with the pot, coke, and XTC (yes dear, I know the proper spelling). I want you to succeed in business. Don't smoke your stock and keep sober during the deals. Otherwise you'll lose all your weed and have to find another line of work. Refer to my first paragraph.
I love you always,
Mom
P.S. Thank you for showing me there are worse things than your latest report card. Your father and I love you very much and we know you are talented, intelligent, and perceptive. Therefore to increase your focus on the important things in life, you are grounded without allowance and on permanent kitchen duty until your grades improve. XOXO Mom
Green Lantern
Have Truck, Will Travel
Honest... it's a joke.
Education in Texas:
1. Teaching Math In 1950s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
2. Teaching Math In 1960s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
3. Teaching Math In 1970s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
4. Teaching Math In 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Math In 1990s
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok.)
6. Teaching Math In 2000s
If you have special needs or just feel you need assistance because of race, color, religion, sex, sexual orientation, age, childhood memories, criminal background, then don't answer and the correct answer will be provided for you. There are no wrong answers.
7. Teaching Math In 2010's
Un hachero vende una carrtada de maderapara 100 pesos. El costo de la producciones es 80 pesos. Cuanto dinero ha hecho
Education in Texas:
1. Teaching Math In 1950s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
2. Teaching Math In 1960s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
3. Teaching Math In 1970s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
4. Teaching Math In 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Math In 1990s
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok.)
6. Teaching Math In 2000s
If you have special needs or just feel you need assistance because of race, color, religion, sex, sexual orientation, age, childhood memories, criminal background, then don't answer and the correct answer will be provided for you. There are no wrong answers.
7. Teaching Math In 2010's
Un hachero vende una carrtada de maderapara 100 pesos. El costo de la producciones es 80 pesos. Cuanto dinero ha hecho