Monday Chuckle

Joined
Jul 9, 2004
Messages
4,020
Location
Montgomery Co. TEXAS
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what
their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up: fireman,
mechanic, businessman, salesman... and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so
when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied,
"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his
clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear.


Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and
stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set
the other children to work on some exercises and took little Justin aside to ask him,

"Is that really true about your father?"
"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get
Obama re-elected, but it is just too embarrassing to say that in front
of the other kids."
 
Joined
Jul 9, 2004
Messages
4,020
Location
Montgomery Co. TEXAS
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus knows you’re here.’ He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard a voice....say, ‘Jesus is watching you.’ Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. ‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot. ‘Yep’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.’ The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?’
‘I'm Moses.’ replied the bird. ‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’
‘The same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.’
 

jebber

Brokedown southa Dallas
SILVER Star
 
Joined
Aug 24, 2008
Messages
1,340
Location
N. Tejas
The Democratic Party today announced that it is changing its symbol from the Donkey to a Condom because it more accurately reflects the Party's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed!
 

Texican

s-Moderator
 
 
 
Joined
Dec 17, 2002
Messages
5,962
Location
Bonham Tx.
PARAPROSDOKIANS, (Winston Churchill loved them), are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left...

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
 
Joined
Jul 9, 2004
Messages
4,020
Location
Montgomery Co. TEXAS
On January 9 a group of Perkin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off a Peoria bridge, so they stopped.


The leader, Kevin, a big burly man of 53, gets off his bike, walks through the gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After she's finished, Kevin gets approval from his group, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, then he says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl" The onlookers are still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed!
 

Fireman

 
 
Joined
Sep 5, 2003
Messages
5,454
Location
Iowa Park. TX
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old tall, tan and terrific "hoochie-mamma" who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.
 
Joined
May 14, 2008
Messages
856
Location
Bee Cave, Tx
ThE world's Shortest Books:


MY BLACK GIRLFRIENDS
By Tiger Woods

OUR WHITE BOYFRIENDS
by The Kardashians

THINGS WE LOVE ABOUT OUR COUNTRY
By Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan
Illustrated by Michael Moore
Forward by George Soros

OUR CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW WE HELPED
AFTER KATRINA
By "The Rev. Jesse Jackson" & "The Rev. Al Sharpton"

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
By Hillary Clinton

Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill CLinton

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
By Bill Gates

THING WE KNOW TO BE TRUE
By AL Gore & John Kerry

GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
By Amelia Earhart

HOW TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST
By Dr. Jack Kevorkian

TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED BEFORE
By Ellen DeGeneres & Rosie O'DOnnell

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
By Mike Tyson

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

OUR PLANS TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
By O.J. Simpson & Casey Anthony

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY
By Ted Kennedy

MY BOOK ON MORALS
By Bill CLonton
With Intrduction by
The Rev. Jesse Jackson
And forward by
Tiger Woods with John Edwards

HOW TO WIN A SUPER BOWL
By the Minnesota Vikings

MY COMPLETE KNOWLEDGE OF MILITARY STRATEGY
By Nancy Pelosi

And the Shortest book of them all

THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE
By Barack Obama



Sorry guys, had to hand type it all as the cut and paste put black letters on a black background....
 
Joined
May 14, 2008
Messages
856
Location
Bee Cave, Tx
A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible. The instructions were:
The story had to contain the following three things:

1) Religion
2)Sexuality
3)Mystery

Below is the only A+ shorty story in the entire class:

"Good God, I'm pregnant; I wonder who did it?"
 
Top Bottom