Monday Chuckle
- Thread starter Texican
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Green Lantern
Have Truck, Will Travel
Steers and Queers.... no place but Austin.
Nick
Nick
Steers and Queers.... no place but Austin.
you sure about that nick...i found an aweful lot of queers in the dfw area
Green Lantern
Have Truck, Will Travel
Yep, very sure. Next time you visit DFW, I'll be happy to show you places that don't cater to queers or the politically correct.
Nick
Nick
you sure about that nick...i found an aweful lot of queers in the dfw area
Texican
s-Moderator
- Thread starter
- #825
Stewart's wife, Susan, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around todoing it while Susan was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.
Susan came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her
to the toilet seat.
About that time, Stewart got home and realized her predicament.
They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.
Finally, in desperation, Stewart undid the toilet seat bolts. Susan wrapped a sheet around herself and Stewart drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.)
Susan tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before!"
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them....I've just never seen one mounted and framed!!"
Susan came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her
to the toilet seat.
About that time, Stewart got home and realized her predicament.
They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.
Finally, in desperation, Stewart undid the toilet seat bolts. Susan wrapped a sheet around herself and Stewart drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.)
Susan tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before!"
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them....I've just never seen one mounted and framed!!"
KOWBOY
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Three guys were talking one morning about how drunk they were at this party they were at the night before.
1st guy: Man, I was so drunk that last night I got home and blew chunks.
2nd guy: Oh yeah? Well, I was so drunk that on the way home I was pulled over and given a DUI!
3rd guy: That's nothing. I was so drunk that on the way home I picked up a prostitute and my wife caught us in bed!
1st guy: No, no.. you guys don't understand! Chunks is my dog.
1st guy: Man, I was so drunk that last night I got home and blew chunks.
2nd guy: Oh yeah? Well, I was so drunk that on the way home I was pulled over and given a DUI!
3rd guy: That's nothing. I was so drunk that on the way home I picked up a prostitute and my wife caught us in bed!
1st guy: No, no.. you guys don't understand! Chunks is my dog.
KOWBOY
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Heeeeere Chunks ... come here boy ... come on!
Goooood Dog.
Goooood Dog.
How Old Guys pick up Chicks
I met a girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us as she dropped to to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet. As we lay making love, I thought.."Geez, these taser guns are well worth the money!!!!
I met a girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us as she dropped to to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet. As we lay making love, I thought.."Geez, these taser guns are well worth the money!!!!
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Biology class were taking their mid-term test
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term test. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk,' worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:
1.) It is perfect formula for the child.
2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3.) It is always the right temperature.
4.) It is inexpensive.
5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6.) It is always available as needed.
And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before
the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote..
7.) It comes in 2 attractive reusable containers.
He got an A+
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term test. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk,' worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:
1.) It is perfect formula for the child.
2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3.) It is always the right temperature.
4.) It is inexpensive.
5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6.) It is always available as needed.
And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before
the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote..
7.) It comes in 2 attractive reusable containers.
He got an A+
Texican
s-Moderator
- Thread starter
- #832
Okay, there's 3 midgets living together, and one reads an ad in the paper for tryouts for the "Book of World Records". Anyway, he says to his 2 roommates, "I bet I got the smallest hands in the world." Midget #2 says, "I bet that I've got the smallest feet in the world, I'd like to try out too." The 3rd midget chimes in and says, "Um, I hate to tell you this, but I probably have the smallest pecker in the world, so I'll go try out also."
Well... the day of the tryouts comes around, and the 3 midgets finally get their turns. The small hands midget goes first, and comes out fairly quick. #2 and #3 ask him how it went. "Well, there was some TINY hands in there, and it was close, but I have the smallest hands in the world!" They all cheered and gave each other tiny high-fives. So, the midget with the tiny feet decides that he will go next. He comes out fairly quick too, and says, "Wow, it was super close. It came down to the millimeter, but I have the smallest feet in the world!" They all jumped for joy once again, and the midget with the tiny pecker takes his turn trying out. He comes out about an hour later, looking mad as hell. He's kicking rocks as he stomps across the parking lot to his roommates. The other two midgets ask, "what happened?!?". And, the mad midget says, "I've got one damn question..........."
Who the fawk is Kowboy??????
Well... the day of the tryouts comes around, and the 3 midgets finally get their turns. The small hands midget goes first, and comes out fairly quick. #2 and #3 ask him how it went. "Well, there was some TINY hands in there, and it was close, but I have the smallest hands in the world!" They all cheered and gave each other tiny high-fives. So, the midget with the tiny feet decides that he will go next. He comes out fairly quick too, and says, "Wow, it was super close. It came down to the millimeter, but I have the smallest feet in the world!" They all jumped for joy once again, and the midget with the tiny pecker takes his turn trying out. He comes out about an hour later, looking mad as hell. He's kicking rocks as he stomps across the parking lot to his roommates. The other two midgets ask, "what happened?!?". And, the mad midget says, "I've got one damn question..........."
Who the fawk is Kowboy??????
Texican
s-Moderator
- Thread starter
- #837
It was John's birthday, so his friends decided to o something extra "special" for him. The managed to find a hooker who could give a BJ while singing the national anthem. Deciding that this would be the ultimate gag gift, they told John to be at a certain motel at 11:00PM. Upon arriving, John found an attractive woman sitting on the bed. She turned out the light and proceeded to do her business. Suddenly, while still sucking, she began belting out the national anthem. After she finished, John thanked her and left, but he was dumbfounded by how this feat was possible. The next night, he determined to find out. Going to the same motel, he and the hooker began engaging in the same activity, but this time John was near the lamp. Once the singing began, he quickly switched on the lamp. The first thing he saw was her glass eye lying on the nightstand...
a black man, a socialist, a muslim and an illegal immigrant all walk into a bar....
the bartender asks, "what can i get you mr president?"
the bartender asks, "what can i get you mr president?"
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch,
but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
... Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my stockings."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
(P. S. - I didn't see it coming, either)
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch,
but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
... Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my stockings."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
(P. S. - I didn't see it coming, either)
George Phillips, an elderly man, from Orangeville, Ontario, Canada was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No," but som...e people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me. Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available" George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up. Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" I LOVE IT! Don't mess with old people