Monday Chuckle

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate
links, including eBay, Amazon, Skimlinks, and others.

I like your style! I'll do that this weekend. Bring on the prostitutes!!
 
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Johnny, looking worried said, "Dad, I think the FedEx guy wants to buy Mom."

:flamingo:
 
Information about Gonorrhea Lectim:

The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent
strain of this old disease. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim. It's
pronounced "Gonna re-elect 'em," and it is a terrible obamanation.

The disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior
involving putting your cranium up your rectum. Many victims contracted it
in 2008, but now most people, after having been infected for the past 1-2
years, are starting to realize how destructive this sickness is.

It's sad because Gonorrhea Lectim is easily cured with a new drug just
coming on the market called Votemout (Pronounced: vote-em-out). You take
the first dose in 2010 and the second dose in 2012 and simply don't engage
in such behavior again; otherwise, it could become permanent and
eventually wipe out all life as we know it.

Please pass this important message on to all those bright folk you really
care about.
 
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate


THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. I'm not interested in fighting you.
6. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance. I have no coordination and I'd hate to look like a fool!
7. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.


:flamingo:
 
Thank you for purchasing "Bubba & Cooter's Book of Sure-Fire Pick-up Lines" by Bubba & Cooter,

1) Did you fart? ...cuz you just blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded? .....cuz ya sure are special.

3) My love fer you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card? ...cuz I'd like to sign you out

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? ...cuz I can see myself in em.

6) You might not be the best lookin' girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.

7) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

8) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

9) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.

AND.. the best for last!

10) Yer face reminds me of a wrench. Every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up.
 
We use those every day in Mississippi!
 
A beautiful girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her. The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating room, where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside, while she goes in to check whether everything is ready. A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up and starts examining her naked body. He puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the
same examinations.

When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"

The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."

:flamingo:
 
this one's a winner....
witch.webp
 
I dialed a wrong number and got the following recording: "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

:flamingo:
 
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said; "Well, I eat Italian bread every day.. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness mister, 5 loaves... don't you think by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard?"

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this Italian bread thing but me."

:flamingo:
 
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

:flamingo:
 
In the case of a tornado in the Denver Metro area, please head directly to Mile High at Invesco Stadium.



Chances of a touchdown there are unlikely!



The broncos did sign a new quarterback tho...little oriental guy. his name is win sum soon
image004.webp
 
In other news, Sports Illustrated tried to contact Tony Romo by phone, for a comment on the firing of Wade Phillips. He didn't answer.



He couldn't find the receiver.
 
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of
his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your
grades up from a C to a B average, study your bible a little, and get
your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle
for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought
your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your
Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that,
and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair,
John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair ... and there's
even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.

You are going to love the Dad's reply:






To this his father replied, 'Did you also notice they walked
everywhere they went?'
 
Inner Peace

Inner peace

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives.
By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I have finally found inner peace.
A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished, and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of botal Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a choclits.
Yu haf no idr hou fkin gud I feal. Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr pis
 
Dear Abby:

My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit-card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the minimum and let our kids worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest.

Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more.

Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and the next he's with Muslims.

Finally, the last straw.

He's demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It's just so horribly creepy! Can you help?

Signed, Lost in DC

Dear Lost:

Stop whining, Michelle.

You can divorce the jerk any time you want. The rest of us are stuck with him for two more years!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Users who are viewing this thread

Total: 1 (members: 0, guests: 1)

Share this page

Back
Top Bottom