Monday Chuckle (3 Viewers)

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Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."

:flamingo:
 
A blonde takes her shirt to the cleaners and asks, "Can you get this out?"
The Chinese lady behind the counter says, "Come again."
The blonde says, "No, its toothpaste this time you nosey bitch!"
 
Autopsy results are final on the Michael Jackson death. He died of food poisoning...













...seems he ate some ten year old wieners! :censor:
 
Kotter said:
Autopsy results are final on the Michael Jackson death. He died of food poisoning...
...seems he ate some ten year old wieners! :censor:
Click to expand...


...I work for the government. There are three people in my office spending all their time collecting MJ jokes, collecting MJ testimonials, and distributing MJ information. Here's what I've seen so far.
(I like the Farrah one... )
Nick



What's the difference between a white plastic grocery bag and Michael Jackson???
One is white, made out of plastic and harmful to children.
The other you put groceries in.

Michael Jackson hasn’t been this stiff since Macully Culkin spent the night at Neverland Ranch.

Because Jackson’s body was 95% plastic, he will be melted down and turned into legos, this way kids can play with him for a change.

Reports that Michael Jackson has died of a heart attack in his home are untrue… He actually died having a stroke in the children’s ward.

In the spirit of recycling, Michael Jackson will be melted down into plastic party cups so kids can still get their lips around his rim.

In accordance with Michael Jackson’s will, little boys’ pants shall be flown at half-mast today.

Doctors are looking into claims that MJ’s death could have been caused by an allergic reaction from eating 12 year old nuts.

I heard Michael Jackson died of food poisoning from eating a 5 year old wiener.

Micheal jackson will always be with us… he is not biodegradable.

Farrah Fawcett arrived at the Pearly Gates and God asked her what he could do for her having led such an honest life. Farrah asked God to simply make sure the children of the world were safe. Five minutes later, Michael Jackson died.

MJ’s dying wish was to be melted down and turned into straws so he can still get sucked on by kids.

It has been released that MJs last wish was that he wants to be melte d down and made into a slide so kids can go down on him forever.

In memory of MJ’s death, McDonald’s is coming out with the new “McJackson”. It’s 50 year old meat between 12 year old buns.

Michael Jackson’s ashes are going to be put in an Etch A Sketch so kids can still twiddle his knob.

Michael Jackson’s death has now been ruled a suicide. Apparently doctors told him that the only way he could get whiter is if he died.

Only in America can someone be born a poor black kid, and die a rich white woman.

Madonna sent her condolences to the Jackson family. Then asked how much they wanted for the kids.

Breaking News: Casper the friendly ghost was molested in the early hours of this morning!

Michael Jackson’s last words: “Take me to the Children’s Hospital!"

Michael Jackson died of a heart attack. He really shouldn’t have looked at the man in the mirror.
 
Hey Nick, let's not forget...

Know when bedtime is at Never Never Land?

When the Big hand touches the little hand..



Wal Mart is having a Michael Jackson Sale...
Little boys pants 1/2 off!!!!

Later.
 
Worlds shortest fairy tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and whiskey and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The end
 
I honestly do not recall laughing so hard...........
texts from last night

a sample

(862): Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.

(843): His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.

(908): Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.

(575): This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.

(405): I am spending my child support on dildos

(705): i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
 
I got this one from Kowboy ........

(917): I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
 
Y'all remember Independence Day....

Every once in a while you see a simple act of patriotism that just fills your heart with so much pride that you get a lump in your throat.

Kinda brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?
pledge.jpg
 
A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him:

"Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

"Irving, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

"Irving, that emerald necklace you promised me? I bought it too, with the insurance money."

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said: "Irving, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes.

:flamingo:
 
The Old Cowboy.....

Ya think you have lived to be 71 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to the dickens...

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.
 
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?

'Heavens no, we bought it.'

'Then why don't you drive it away.'

We can't drive.'

Then why did you buy it?'

'We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed ...so we're just waiting.

:flamingo:
 
So Earl and Verne are sitting down at the local bar, and they've both been there for quite some time. All of a sudden, Earl vomits all over himself.

"Awwww Shiiitttt, my wife is gonna' kill me" says Earl.

"No, here's $10" putting the money in Earls shirt pocket. "You just tell your wife that it was me and that I gave you $10 for a new shirt".

"Jeez thanks man, you're a good friend".

So Earl goes home and staggers in the door...

"WTF Earl- you smell awful, and it looks like your shirt is ruined"

"No honey, it was Verne, and he even gave me $10 for a new shirt- see here in this pocket". he says.

"But Earl, theres $40 bucks in here".

"Oh yeah, Verne s*** in my pants too."
 
A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients. However, a little voice in his head said "Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients, ... so it's not like you're the first." This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said, "but then again ... they probably weren't veterinarians" ... :hillbilly:
 
Man Stories

1.. I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy Crouching down behind a tombstone. I said "morning." He said "no just taking a s***".

2. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I Realized that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked him to Forgive me.

3. My girlfriend was in labor with our first child. She was shouting out "get this out of me? Give me the drugs." She looked at me and said, "You did This to me you bastard!" I casually replied, "If you would care to remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, "it'll be too painful."

4. I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual Checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and She told me, "because I am trying to examine you."

:flamingo:
 
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'

:flamingo:
 
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity..'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'

:flamingo:
 
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl as. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the onders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.

'They're mating,' her father replied.

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.

'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat.

'Well”, she said, “that may be OK in California , but we're not having any of that s*** in Texas,'.
 
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are lie clocks.
Everyone on Earth has a Lie Clock. Every time you tell a lie the hands on your clock move."

"Oh", said teh man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Theresa's...the hands have never moved, indicated that she never told a lie."

"Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's President Obama's clock?" asked the man.

St. Peter said, "Obama's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it for a ceiling fan."
 
Perhaps a repost... but, still worth a chuckle.



The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began - 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments...

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the expensive designer jeans that you bought a couple years back, but don't wear because you say they not the "in" name this year.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
 
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