Monday Chuckle
- Thread starter Texican
- Start date
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KOWBOY
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There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figures she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . You explain the kids."
She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . You explain the kids."
KOWBOY
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Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me..
Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?
Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly..
Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago..
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him..
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?
Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me..
Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?
Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly..
Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago..
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him..
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?
Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
KOWBOY
President
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Hellmann's Mayo
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery on May 5th in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko De Mayo.
And now you know where the name originated!
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery on May 5th in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko De Mayo.
And now you know where the name originated!
LukeZero
Deeply Confused
Hellmann's Mayo
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery on May 5th in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko De Mayo.
And now you know where the name originated!
ba, dum, bum
Green Lantern
Have Truck, Will Travel
Green Lantern
Have Truck, Will Travel
Our new National Symbol...
Texican
s-Moderator
- Thread starter
- #369
9 months
> later!!
>
> Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they
> loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.
>
> After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a
> terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and
> asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they
> could spend the night.
>
> 'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I
> have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently
> widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the
> neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
>
> 'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be
> happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks,
> we'll be gone at first light..' The lady agreed, and
> the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for
> the night.
>
> Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on
> their way.
> They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
>
> But about nine months later, Jack got
> an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few
> minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it
> was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on
> the ski weekend.
>
> He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do
> you remember that
> good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski
> holiday up north about 9 months ago?'
>
> 'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.
>
> 'Did you,
> er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to
> the house and pay her a visit?'
>
> 'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed
> about being found out,
> 'I have to admit that I did.'
>
> 'And did you happen to give her my name instead of
> telling her your name?'
>
> Bob's face turned beet red and he said,
> 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I
> did.' 'Why do you ask?'
>
> 'She just died and left me everything.'
> later!!
>
> Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they
> loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.
>
> After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a
> terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and
> asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they
> could spend the night.
>
> 'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I
> have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently
> widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the
> neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
>
> 'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be
> happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks,
> we'll be gone at first light..' The lady agreed, and
> the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for
> the night.
>
> Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on
> their way.
> They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
>
> But about nine months later, Jack got
> an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few
> minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it
> was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on
> the ski weekend.
>
> He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do
> you remember that
> good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski
> holiday up north about 9 months ago?'
>
> 'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.
>
> 'Did you,
> er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to
> the house and pay her a visit?'
>
> 'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed
> about being found out,
> 'I have to admit that I did.'
>
> 'And did you happen to give her my name instead of
> telling her your name?'
>
> Bob's face turned beet red and he said,
> 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I
> did.' 'Why do you ask?'
>
> 'She just died and left me everything.'
KOWBOY
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A woman says to her mother, 'I'm divorcing Sheldon. All he wants is anal sex, and my ass hole is now the size of a quarter, when it used to be about the size of a dime.'
Her mother says, 'You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom
mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $1,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away over 15 cents!'
Her mother says, 'You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom
mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $1,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away over 15 cents!'
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.
There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, 'It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?'
He says, 'O. K., Get in the car with it.'
'Where shall I put it to get it warm?'
He says, 'Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.
'But what about the smell?'
'Just hold its little nose.'
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene...
There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, 'It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?'
He says, 'O. K., Get in the car with it.'
'Where shall I put it to get it warm?'
He says, 'Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.
'But what about the smell?'
'Just hold its little nose.'
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene...
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.
THE SITUATION:
You are in Richmond Virginia, on the James River to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.
You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you,some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.
===============================================
THE TEST:
Suddenly you see a man and a woman in the water. They are fighting for their lives, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow they look familiar. You suddenly realize who they are. It's Barack Obama and Nancy Pelosi! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take them under forever. You have two options: You can save their lives or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the deaths of two of the world's most powerful people.
===============================================
THE QUESTION:
Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...
Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
You are in Richmond Virginia, on the James River to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.
You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you,some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.
===============================================
THE TEST:
Suddenly you see a man and a woman in the water. They are fighting for their lives, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow they look familiar. You suddenly realize who they are. It's Barack Obama and Nancy Pelosi! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take them under forever. You have two options: You can save their lives or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the deaths of two of the world's most powerful people.
===============================================
THE QUESTION:
Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...
Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
black and white and depending on the photo, maybe a sepia tone
KOWBOY
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A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and mixed emotions when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap; I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."
She said, "You have the biggest penis of all your friends."
She said, "You have the biggest penis of all your friends."
KOWBOY
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Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.
Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"cuz he'd be screwed if he needed glasses".
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.
Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"cuz he'd be screwed if he needed glasses".
Three men were standing side-by-side using the urinal.The first man finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands ... clear up to his elbows ... He used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented: "I graduated from Harvard and they taught us to be clean."The second man finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented: "I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."The third man zipped up and as he was walking out the door he had a smirk on his face and said: "I don't know about you guys, but where I went to college, they taught us not to piss on our hands."
KOWBOY
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The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the
'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car.''
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the
'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car.''
Texican
s-Moderator
- Thread starter
- #378
>
> UCLA
> STUDY (VERY INTERESTING)
>
> A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry
> has revealed
> that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man
> can differ
> depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
>
> For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to
> men with rugged
> and masculine features.
>
> However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends
> to be more
> attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a
> spear lodged
> in his chest while he is on fire.
>
> No further studies are expected at this time
> due to a shortage of
> male volunteers.
>
> UCLA
> STUDY (VERY INTERESTING)
>
> A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry
> has revealed
> that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man
> can differ
> depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
>
> For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to
> men with rugged
> and masculine features.
>
> However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends
> to be more
> attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a
> spear lodged
> in his chest while he is on fire.
>
> No further studies are expected at this time
> due to a shortage of
> male volunteers.
>
A buddy sent me this. Probably the funniest thing I've read in a long time. Kinda hits home!
Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass compound bow
> beginner kits.
>
> Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in
> anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40
> horse Farmall tractor will take 6 rounds before it goes down? Tough
> sumbich.
>
> That got boring, so being the 10 yr. old Dukes of Hazard fan that I was,
> I quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up T-shirt doused in chainsaw
> gas tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows all over the
> place. Keep in mind this was 99.999% humidity swampland so there really
> wasn't any fire danger. Ill put it this way- a set of post hole
> diggers and a 3 ft.. hole and you had yourself a well.
>
> One summer afternoon, I was shooting flaming arrows into a large rotten
> oak stump in our backyard.
>
> I looked over under the carport and see a shiny brand new can of
> starting fluid (ether). The light bulb went off. I grabbed the can and
> set it on the stump. I thought that it would probably just spray out in
> a disappointing manner...lets face it to a 10 yr. old mouth-breather
> like myself ether, really doesn't "sound" flammable. So, I went back
> into the house and got a
> 1 pound can of pyrodex (black powder for muzzle loader rifles).
>
> At this point, I set the can of ether on the stump and opened up the can
> of black powder.
>
> My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit around the ether can but it
> all sorta dumped out on me. No biggie... 1 lb. pyrodex and 16 oz. ether
> should make a loud pop, kinda like a firecracker you know?
>
> You know what? Screw that I'm going back in the house for the other can.
>
> Yes, I got a second can of pyrodex and dumped it too. Now we're cookin'.
>
> I stepped back about 15 ft. and lit the 2 stroke arrow. I drew the nock
> to my cheek and took aim.
>
> As I released I heard a clunk as the arrow launched from my bow. In a
> slow motion time frame, I turned to see my dad getting out of the
> truck... OH s*** he just got home from work. So help me God it took 10
> minutes for that arrow to go from my bow to the can. My dad was walking
> towards me in slow motion with a WTF look in his eyes. I turned back
> towards my target just in time to see the arrow pierce the starting
> fluid can right at the bottom.
> Right through the main pile of pyrodex and into the can. Oh. s***.
>
> When the shock wave hit it knocked me off my feet. I don't know if it
> was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just reflex jerk
> back from 235 fricking decibels of sound. I caught a half a millisecond
> glimpse of the violence during the initial explosion and I will tell you
> there was dust, grass, and bugs all hovering 1 ft. above the ground as
> far as I could see. It was like a little low to the ground layer of dust
> fog full of grasshoppers, spiders, and a crawfish or two.
> The daylight turned purple.
>
> Let me repeat this...THE FRICKING DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE. There was a
> big sweetgum tree out by the gate going into the pasture. Notice I said
> "was".
> That son-of-a-bitch got up and ran off.
>
> So here I am, on the ground blown completely out of my shoes with my
> thundercats T-Shirt shredded, my dad is on the other side of the carport
> having what I can only assume is a Vietnam flashback:
>
> ECHO BRAVO CHARLIE YOUR BRINGIN' EM IN TOO CLOSE!! CEASE FIRE.
> DAMNIT CEASE FIRE!!!!! His hat has blown off and is 30 ft. behind
> him in the driveway. All windows on the north side of the house are
> blown out and there is a slow rolling mushroom cloud about 2000 ft
> over our backyard. There is a Honda 185s 3 wheeler parked on the
> other side of the yard and the fenders are drooped down and are now
> touching the tires.
>
> I wish I knew what I said to my dad at this moment. I don't know- I know
> I said something. I couldn't hear. I couldn't hear inside my own head. I
> don't
>
> think he heard me either... not that it would really matter.
>
> I don't remember much from this point on. I said something, felt a sharp
> pain, and then woke up later. I felt a sharp pain, blacked out, woke
> later....
> repeat this process for an hour or so and you get the idea.
> I remember at one point my mom had to give me CPR so dad could beat me
> some more. Bring him back to life so dad can kill him again. Thanks
> Mom.
>
> One thing is for sure.. I never had to mow around that stump again Mom
> had been bitching about that thing for years and dad never did anything
> about it. I stepped up to the plate and handled business.
>
> Dad sold his muzzle loader a week or so later. And I still have some
> sort of bone growth abnormality either from the blast or the beating. Or
> both. I guess what I'm trying to say is, get your kids into archery.
>
> It's good discipline and will teach them skills they can use later on in
> life.
Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass compound bow
> beginner kits.
>
> Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in
> anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40
> horse Farmall tractor will take 6 rounds before it goes down? Tough
> sumbich.
>
> That got boring, so being the 10 yr. old Dukes of Hazard fan that I was,
> I quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up T-shirt doused in chainsaw
> gas tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows all over the
> place. Keep in mind this was 99.999% humidity swampland so there really
> wasn't any fire danger. Ill put it this way- a set of post hole
> diggers and a 3 ft.. hole and you had yourself a well.
>
> One summer afternoon, I was shooting flaming arrows into a large rotten
> oak stump in our backyard.
>
> I looked over under the carport and see a shiny brand new can of
> starting fluid (ether). The light bulb went off. I grabbed the can and
> set it on the stump. I thought that it would probably just spray out in
> a disappointing manner...lets face it to a 10 yr. old mouth-breather
> like myself ether, really doesn't "sound" flammable. So, I went back
> into the house and got a
> 1 pound can of pyrodex (black powder for muzzle loader rifles).
>
> At this point, I set the can of ether on the stump and opened up the can
> of black powder.
>
> My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit around the ether can but it
> all sorta dumped out on me. No biggie... 1 lb. pyrodex and 16 oz. ether
> should make a loud pop, kinda like a firecracker you know?
>
> You know what? Screw that I'm going back in the house for the other can.
>
> Yes, I got a second can of pyrodex and dumped it too. Now we're cookin'.
>
> I stepped back about 15 ft. and lit the 2 stroke arrow. I drew the nock
> to my cheek and took aim.
>
> As I released I heard a clunk as the arrow launched from my bow. In a
> slow motion time frame, I turned to see my dad getting out of the
> truck... OH s*** he just got home from work. So help me God it took 10
> minutes for that arrow to go from my bow to the can. My dad was walking
> towards me in slow motion with a WTF look in his eyes. I turned back
> towards my target just in time to see the arrow pierce the starting
> fluid can right at the bottom.
> Right through the main pile of pyrodex and into the can. Oh. s***.
>
> When the shock wave hit it knocked me off my feet. I don't know if it
> was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just reflex jerk
> back from 235 fricking decibels of sound. I caught a half a millisecond
> glimpse of the violence during the initial explosion and I will tell you
> there was dust, grass, and bugs all hovering 1 ft. above the ground as
> far as I could see. It was like a little low to the ground layer of dust
> fog full of grasshoppers, spiders, and a crawfish or two.
> The daylight turned purple.
>
> Let me repeat this...THE FRICKING DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE. There was a
> big sweetgum tree out by the gate going into the pasture. Notice I said
> "was".
> That son-of-a-bitch got up and ran off.
>
> So here I am, on the ground blown completely out of my shoes with my
> thundercats T-Shirt shredded, my dad is on the other side of the carport
> having what I can only assume is a Vietnam flashback:
>
> ECHO BRAVO CHARLIE YOUR BRINGIN' EM IN TOO CLOSE!! CEASE FIRE.
> DAMNIT CEASE FIRE!!!!! His hat has blown off and is 30 ft. behind
> him in the driveway. All windows on the north side of the house are
> blown out and there is a slow rolling mushroom cloud about 2000 ft
> over our backyard. There is a Honda 185s 3 wheeler parked on the
> other side of the yard and the fenders are drooped down and are now
> touching the tires.
>
> I wish I knew what I said to my dad at this moment. I don't know- I know
> I said something. I couldn't hear. I couldn't hear inside my own head. I
> don't
>
> think he heard me either... not that it would really matter.
>
> I don't remember much from this point on. I said something, felt a sharp
> pain, and then woke up later. I felt a sharp pain, blacked out, woke
> later....
> repeat this process for an hour or so and you get the idea.
> I remember at one point my mom had to give me CPR so dad could beat me
> some more. Bring him back to life so dad can kill him again. Thanks
> Mom.
>
> One thing is for sure.. I never had to mow around that stump again Mom
> had been bitching about that thing for years and dad never did anything
> about it. I stepped up to the plate and handled business.
>
> Dad sold his muzzle loader a week or so later. And I still have some
> sort of bone growth abnormality either from the blast or the beating. Or
> both. I guess what I'm trying to say is, get your kids into archery.
>
> It's good discipline and will teach them skills they can use later on in
> life.
KOWBOY
President
- Joined
- Mar 21, 2005
- Threads
- 209
- Messages
- 5,878
- Location
- Diggin' mud
- Website
- www.elwoodwhitetrash.com
BBQ RULES We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert ..
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat
Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women
Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert ..
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat
Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women