Monday Chuckle

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate
links, including eBay, Amazon, Skimlinks, and others.

Things not to say to a cop when you're pulled over...

On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.

Come on ... write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!

How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.

I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!

Yeah you can see my license and registration, officer, but could you hold my beer for a minute?

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.

You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on "COPS" last week on TV?

When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile for the video camcorder.

Aren't you one of the Village People?

:flamingo:
 
KOWBOY said:
Things not to say to a cop when you're pulled over...

On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.

Come on ... write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!

How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.

I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!

Yeah you can see my license and registration, officer, but could you hold my beer for a minute?

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.

You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on "COPS" last week on TV?

When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile for the video camcorder.

Aren't you one of the Village People?

:flamingo:
Click to expand...

Then the cop smacks the crap out of ya with this night stick then walks around to the passenger side and smacks the crap out a your passenger the same way. The passenger asks "what the *~@^ did you do that for?" The cop replies so you couldn't get a mile down the road and say "I wish he'd a done that do me, I'd a kicked his arse." :hillbilly:
 
Fox news bows to the pressure

Fox is already cowering down to the President. In response to President Obama's complaint that FOX News doesn't show enough Black and Hispanic people on their network:

FOX has announced that they will now air "America 's Most Wanted" TWICE a week..

I don't care who you are, that's funny! -- Sorry JP, no offense brother.
 
Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the Sea-Tac airport.
The first lady was an arrogant Seattle woman married to a wealthy man.
The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.
When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the Seattle woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."
The lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz..
Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."
The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.
Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, bless your heart."
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.
"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"
The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying "Who gives a s***?" I learned to say, "Well, bless your heart"....
 
Guts and Balls


There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby..'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.
 
The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population.
It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a ‘more humane’ solution to this issue.
What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again. This plan was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U.S. Forest Service.
All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.
Finally, an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand our problem here. These coyotes ain't screwin' our sheep; they're eatin' 'em!"
The meeting never really got back to order.
 
A guy phones a law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist says, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week." The next day the same guy phones the law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." Once again the receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week."

The next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and say, "I want to speak to my lawyer." "Excuse me sir," the receptionist says, "but this is third time I've had to tell you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?" The guy replies, "Because I love hearing it!"

:flamingo:
 
Really!!!

ARKANSAS - A Little Rock woman was killed yesterday after leaping through her moving car's sunroof during an incident best described as a "mistaken rapture" by dozens of eye-witnesses.

Thirteen other people were injured after a twenty-car pile-up resulted from people trying to avoid hitting the woman, who was apparently convinced that the rapture was occurring when she saw twelve people floating up into the air, and then passed a man on the side of the road who she believed was Jesus.

"She started screaming 'He's back! He's back!' and climbed out through the
sunroof and jumped off the roof of the car," said Everett Williams, husband of 28-year-old Georgeann Williams who was pronounced dead at the scene.

"I was slowing down but she wouldn't wait till I stopped," Williams said.
"She thought the rapture was happening and was convinced that Jesus was gonna lift her up into the sky," he went on to say.

"This is the strangest thing I've seen since I've been on the force," said
Paul Madison, first officer on the scene.

Madison questioned the man who looked like Jesus and discovered that he was on his way to a toga costume party, when the tarp covering the bed of his pickup truck came loose and released twelve blow-up sex dolls filled with helium, which then floated up into the sky.

Ernie Jenkins, 32, of Fort Smith, who's been told by several of his friends
that he looks like Jesus, pulled over and lifted his arms into the air in
frustration and said "Come back," just as the Williams' car passed him, and
Mrs. Williams was sure that it was Jesus lifting people up into heaven as
they drove by him.

"I think my wife loved Jesus more than she loved me," the widower said when asked why his wife would do such a thing.

When asked for comments about the twelve sex dolls, Jenkins replied "This is all just too weird for me. I never expected anything like this to happen."
 
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said,

'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.
This is your grandma's idea.

:flamingo:
 
:):):):p
308970_10150271598148091_715208090_7806066_7470033_n.webp
 
was at home depot today and saw they're having a sale on mexican recliners
recliners.webp
 
My lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my Birthday. They gave me a Rolex... I think they misunderstood when I said " I wanna watch "
 
jebber said:
My lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my Birthday. They gave me a Rolex... I think they misunderstood when I said " I wanna watch "
Click to expand...

I wanna know what ya been doing for the dykes to deserve a Rolex:p:p:eek::eek:
 
A husband was watching tv, switching the channels back and forth between porn and fishing, when his frustrated wife yelled out "just leave it on the porn; you already know how to fish!"
 
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "That would be my wife."
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Users who are viewing this thread

Total: 1 (members: 0, guests: 1)

Share this page

Back
Top Bottom