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Texican

Texican

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A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event
hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of
extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom
approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious
man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It
looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
"You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this
the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand
and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him
several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and
said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"



The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice,
"I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
 
RAZORBACKS

Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies "These are not pigs these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes, and says, "Excellent trade, sir."
 
Brooklyn Tony On MATH

The teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you
shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on Brooklyn Tony.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then Brooklyn Tony says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting
on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple
scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's
gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Brooklyn Tony replied, "The correct answer is ' the one with the
wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."


:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::


Brooklyn Tony On MATH

Brooklyn Tony returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.

The teacher asked ' How much is 2x3,' I said '6,'" replies TONY.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me ' How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the fxxxing difference ?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"


:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::


Brooklyn Tony On ENGLISH

Brooklyn Tony goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to
learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?"

TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Brooklyn Tony, that's a mouthful."

Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."


:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::


Brooklyn Tony On GRAMMAR

Brooklyn Tony was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to
the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!"

The teacher replied, "Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this
situation. The correct word you want to use is urinate. Please use the word
urinate in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Brooklyn Tony, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you
had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"


:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::


Brooklyn Tony On GRAMMAR

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of
hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my
mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!"

Then the teacher reluctantly called on Brooklyn Tony.

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was
pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fxxxing beautiful!' "


:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::


Brooklyn Tony On GETTING OLDER

Brooklyn Tony was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after
another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you
know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your
teeth, and make you fat."

Brooklyn Tony replied, "You know, my grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Brooklyn Tony answered, "No, he minded his own fxxxing business
 
A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so
many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal
Democrat, and was very much in favor of the redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch
Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures
that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a
professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil,
selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher
taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare
programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her
professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father.
He responded by asking how she was doing in school

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA,
and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she
was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying,
which left her no time to go out and party like other people she
knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really
have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?"

She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy
classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so
popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always
invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show
up for classes because she's too hung over."

Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's
office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GP A and give it to your
friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and
certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily
fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my
grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey
has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I
worked my tail off!"

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently,
"Welcome to the Republican Party."
 
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful woman wave at him
and say hello.

He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her
from.

So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful
to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor
party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies
watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math
teacher."
 
Tues. humor still freakin' hysterical on Weds !!!


Susan :flamingo: :princess:
 
Southern country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an
experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

- a Bible,

- a silver dollar,

- a bottle of whiskey and

- a Playboy magazine

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "when he
comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing
that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman,
and that would be okay , too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to
be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he
entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his
books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up
the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and
took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "he's gonna be a Massachusetts Senator!"
 
A lawyer and a blonde gal happen to be sitting next to each other on a long flight from L.A. to New York . The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.

He explains how the game works. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa."

Again the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer figures he's pretty smart and since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer.

"Okay, how about this? If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question? "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a
five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air-phone with his modem and searches the Internet and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated he sends e-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail.

After over an hour of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He
wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who can't believe he's been outsmarted by a blonde, is going nuts trying to figure it out. He's more than a little frustrated! He wakes the blonde again and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
 
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.




WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."




UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.




MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?



CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cottonballs and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rollingpapers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)




WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."




WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"



CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!




WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ........."HEBREWS"




The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go andsee why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper bythe bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
 
18 WAYS TO BE A GOOD LIBERAL



1. You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on
demand.



2. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments
create prosperity.



3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding citizens are
more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Iran
or Chinese and North Korean communists.



4. You have to believe that there was no art before federal funding.



5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by
cyclical changes in the earth's climate and more affected by soccer moms
driving SUV's.



6. You have to believe that gender roles ar e artificial, but being
homosexual is natural.



7. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal
funding.



8. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th- graders
how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.



9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but PETA
activists do.



10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually
doing something to earn it.



11. You have to believe that Mel Gibson spent $25 million of his own money
to make "The Passion of the Christ" for financial gain only.



12. You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of
the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts
of the Constitution.



13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.



14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more
important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Gen. Robert E. Lee, and
Thomas Edison.



15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial
quotas and set-asides are not.



16. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked
anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.




17. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag queens and
transve stites should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at
Christmas should be illegal.



18. You have to believe that this message is a part of a vast, right-wing
conspiracy.



GOD BLESS AMERICA Oops, can't do that either
 
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the
Sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving, and hot
This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes-
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life

I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
 
A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had done broken into his car ...

"They friggin' stole the dashboard, the steerin' wheel, the break pedal, and even the damn skinny pedal" he cried out.

However ... before the police investigation could get goin' ... the phone rang a second time.

The same voice came over the line ...

"Never mind," said the drunk with a hiccup, "I got in the backseat by mistake."

:grinpimp: :flamingo: :grinpimp:
 
Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eatin' meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causin' such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.....and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic." Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutchin' a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutchin' a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grillin' meat and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you's a catfish."


:flamingo:
 
A cowboy gets pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy sez, "Y'all havin' some problem with circle flies?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they're called. But I never heard of no circle flies."

"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "Circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. But, a moment later he stops and says, "Are you callin' me a horse's ass?"

"No, sir," the cowboy replies. "I have too much respect for law enforement to call y'all a horse's ass."

"That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

:flamingo:
 
Tennessee Ten Commandments

Some people in Tennessee have trouble with all those "shalls" and "shall nots" in the Ten Commandments. Folks just aren't used to talking in those terms. So, some folks in middle Tennessee got together and translated the "King James" into "Jackson County" language... No joke, read on... The Hillbilly's Ten Commandments (posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Gainesboro, TN.)
(1) Just one God.
(2) Honor yer Ma &Pa.
(3) No tellin' tales or gossipin'.
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'
(5) Put nothin' before God.
(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.
(7) No killin.'
(8) Watch yer mouth.
(9) Don't take what ain't yers.
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff.

Now that's kinda plain an' simple, don't ya think? Y'all have a nice day.


:flamingo:
 
Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually
she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
"Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting
behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.

The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber once again, Johnny came to her rescue
and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very
good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she
had her twenty-third child?"

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.

This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn
thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"


The nun fainted...........
 
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