Livin’ the Dream … The Diaries of a Madman

[KOWBOY]

Friday, 06 June

Lil’ warmer than I woulda wanted last night. Had the camper fan on all night and the windows open. Slept good but I’m thinkin’ my time in Moab is done for the rest of the summer. Packed up camp right quick this mornin’ … got me some ground to cover. Took about 2 hours to cover the 18 miles back to Dewey. And then ‘bout 7 hours to cover the 470 to Vegas. Good Gawd was it ever hot! Truck showed the outside temp to be 110 goin’ thru the Virgin River Gorge in Arizona and then ‘cross the border into Nevada. I swear one of these days I’m gonna have to get the AC fixed in the truck. Ain’t never worked since I bought ‘er. Say what ya wanna ‘bout it bein’ “dry heat” but with the windows rolled down it was like drivin’ thru a friggin’ pizza oven. But I promised a friend I’d meet for a weekend in Vegas and so I did.

Which is how I ended up sittin’ in the “Diamond Members Only” parkin’ spot in front of the Hampton Inn a block off of Tropicana Boulevard.

 

[KOWBOY]

Sunday, 08 June

Spent Friday night drunk. Spent yesterday shoppin’ for some needed items for my home at Home Depot and REI … and then drunk. So today in order to try to stay sober for a few hours, we visited the Mob Museum. What a cool place. I’m sure you’re aware that Vegas would still be a simple ranch and a waterin’ hole for travelers to L.A. had it not been for the mob. What a great museum. The buildin’ itself’s even cool. It’s the restored Federal Buildin’ from back in the 30’s.

Three stories packed with incredible information and just cool stuff. The gangster Tommy Gun felt good …

But the electric chair from Sing-Sing felt creepy.

And then went off and got drunk. Some great lil’ bars in Vegas. Never went into a single casino.

 

[KOWBOY]

Monday, 09 June

Most assuredly had a large time in Vegas but the heat was just oppressive at 105. Need to improve my attitude by addin’ some altitude. So I was off at first light this mornin’ while it was still only 85 or so and headin’ for the mountains. Rode the 15 back up thru the Gorge in Arizona and on thru St. George, Utah. Then took Highway 9 and thangs improved quickly.

I ain’t never been to Zion National Park. Heard of it but didn’t know much ‘bout it. Still don’t ‘cept now I know that Highway 9 cuts right thru it. And the Feds want 25 bucks for the privilege. But y’all remember that silly annual pass I bought at Lake Mead back in December? Well evidently it’s good at all National Parks so I got in for free. Mighty fine. I’m thinkin’ there’s prob’ly a bunch of hikin’ and stuff in the park but the road seems to be the main attraction. And a phenomenal road it is. Lots of switchbacks and a steady pull uphill. And temps in the mid 70’s.

 

[KOWBOY]

And a big-ass tunnel. Over a mile long. Skinny and real dark, it was completed in 1930. Not built for the modern-day behemoth RV’s and busses. So when one of them wants to go thru they stop opposin’ traffic ‘till it clears. I followed one thru so it was nice not to have to worry ‘bout folks comin’ the other way. The idiot foriners drivin’ the constant flow of rental Class C motorhomes are scary. In 3 or 4 places the builders pushed holes on out to the cliff. This adds a lil’ light, some ventilation, and … most importantly …gave ‘em a place to push out all the rock when they was blastin’ their way thru the tunnel. Don’t believe that construction technique would fly these days. Here’s lookin’ up at one of them holes.

And some shots on the other side of the tunnel.

 

[KOWBOY]

Followed on Highway 9 ‘till it dead ends at Highway 89 and I headed north to Long Valley Junction and Scenic Highway 14. Real nice general store there where I topped off the diesel tank and bought a corny dog and a Fresca. Highway 14 goes into Dixie National Forest. I know I can camp in a National Forest.

Turned off on one of the first dirt roads I seen and headed into the woods. Real pretty country.

Then came across a smaller road, so I turned on it.

 

[KOWBOY]

Which turned into an ATV trail. Reckon I’m bigger than an ATV. Gained some new pinstripes but was actually doin’ pretty good just easin’ along. Then came to this sharp turn. Tree on the right side prevented me from swingin’ wide enuf to keep the ass-end from droppin’ down into the ditch. Which it did. And the rear tire started spinnin’. So threw in the doubler and hit the rear locker. Which made both tires spin and slid me more into the ditch. Fawk. So got out and snapped some pics.

… and locked in the front hubs. Threw the front axle in and hit the front locker. Then eased on outta there like I was pullin’ outta the KFC parkin’ lot. No more tire spinnin’. Nice.

 

[KOWBOY]

Which led me to this here lil’ clearin’ … complete with fire ring and supply of firewood. That’s just good livin’ right there.

Right behind the immediate row of trees was even a streambed. ‘Cept somebody done turned the water off so it didn’t have no stream. Oh well.

Campin’ in the woods means campfires.

Man do I love a good campfire. And campfires means hotdogs! Hebrew Nationals. They ain’t got no junk in ‘em so they’re the best dog out there. Throw in some Fritos and beer and that’s a mighty fine meal.

Stayed there by the fire well into the night. Even had to put a light jacket on. Again, dead silence and a kerbillion stars. With my back turned to the fire I was in-tune with my surroundin’s. (Anybody that’s ever read a Louis L’Amour western knows never to look into the fire ‘cause it ruins your night vision) I’d hear the slightest noise in the streambed and shine on it quick with my tactical flashlight. And see a deer lookin’ back at me. ‘Bout the fourth time, it was a whole lil’ herd. Sure was pretty. Hope they don’t blame me for turnin’ the water off.

 

[KOWBOY]

Tuesday, 10 June

What a great night’s sleep. At one point, I pulled the sleepin’ bag over me. Reached down and hit the furnace ‘fore I got my sorry ass outta bed this mornin’. Bowl of Frosted Flakes and on my way. Gotta be some water somewheres in this National Forest that I can camp beside.

Went back out to the blacktop and proceeded to Duck Village. Neat lil’ place. Few cafes, a gas station, real estate places for mountain lands and cabins, and rental places for ATV’s and snow mobiles. Then there was Duck Lake.

With a typical National Forest campground next to it. I ain’t fond of them. But across the street was a Ranger Station so I stopped in and gotta map of the place. Drove down to the big lake, Navajo Lake, and it’s typical National Forest campground. Lake was low.

 

[KOWBOY]

But it was a good place to eat a banana and study up on my new map. This section of the Dixie National Forest is simply a maze of roads and trails. Evidently a haven for ATV’s and snow mobiles. Close study shows that Swains Creek seems to be my best bet for a waterside camp for the night. The main road goes thru several mountain housin’ communities that are somehow in isolated pockets not in the National Forest. Gotta be some politics behind that somewheres. Bet ya several of them homes belong to congressmen. But there’s a trail that bypasses those and then ends up back on the creek. Here we go. After a short bit I come to this sign.

Sounds intimidatin’ and didn’t make much sense ‘till I proceeded a bit further and entered a burn area.

And the road turned into an ATV trail. The map weren’t real clear on that stuff. The problem with my junk on an ATV trail is that I’m straddlin’ their tracks completely and ridin’ on the rocks they’ve kicked to the side. No tree branches tho since they all burned up.

Some of the ATV trails had narrow gates across ‘em so idiots couldn’t drive Ford trucks on ‘em.

 

[KOWBOY]

So managed to meet up with the Swains Creek road and it turned out to be a real pretty valley with the creek bein’ lost in the middle but nice when you could catch a glimpse of it here and there. But no campin’ spots. In fact, ain’t seen a single campin spot since I left the blacktop. One spot in the valley had a really cool fence tho.

Followed the road all the way to the National Forest boundary and gave up on a waterside camp along the creek. Figured mize well go up one of the side roads and find a spot for the night. These roads are all incredibly dusty. Dust just billows out from under your rig. Like drivin’ up Josh Baker’s driveway ‘cept many, many miles of it.

One last hope for water was a road on the map that shows it goes to Twin Springs. Worth a shot. But the road petered down to a real narrow ATV trail and then was blocked entirely.

 

[KOWBOY]

After takin’ that picture, I turn around to go back to the truck and see I only got one big-ass KC light stickin’ up. What the fawk?? And here’s what I find.

The tab broke clean in two right across the mountin’ hole for the light. No impact at all. Just metal fatigue from the vibration of the light I reckon. Makes me scared to use my winch. Wonder if their winch mounts are stronger than their light mounts?? Gonna have to send this pic to Road Armor with a nasty e-mail and get their opinion. Meanwhile, I’m gonna have to find me a fella that can weld. Remove the existin’ tabs and add somethin’ more substantial. So I unplugged the light and threw it in the truck. Now my rig is an unbalanced Cyclops.

 

[KOWBOY]

So I make a hundred-point turn and get back to the main road and try the next side road. Again it gets skinny on me.

After several tight squeezes, I come across a sign sayin’ “For administrative Use Only: Closed to Public”. I was so pissed I didn’t even take a pic of the sign. Now why the hell couldn’t they put that damned sign at the beginnin’ of the road??

So off I go again. This time the road I’m on appears to be nuthin’ more than a firebreak. No campin’ at all and lots and lots of dust. Miserable. No other way to put it.

So all the way back out to the blacktop and on down the road I go. Hang a left at the next road and hope for better results. This ATV trail off to the side had a wider gate. In fact, with a top-notch spotter, I believe I coulda squeezed my junk thru there.

Lil’ further down the road there’s a clearin’ alongside that has a fire ring. Ain’t perfect and it’s right on the road but I ain’t seen nobody else on these roads since I been here. And the great thang ‘bout this rig is all you need is a parkin’ spot to call home. Hell it could be at my ex-wifes house, an empty lot behind a bar, a casino parkin’ lot, a gravel pile next to the interstate, or a parkin’ lot at an auto repair shop. Wait … hell I done been in all them. And this is better.

Kind of an aggravatin’ day so needed to change up a bit to improve the mood. So soon as I got the camper set up I plugged in the MP3 player and routed the stereo to the outside speakers. There we go. Ain’t gonna be seein’ no deer tonite. Music will soothe the savage beast ... and me. And so will hotdogs cooked on a campfire. And a bunch of beer. Turned out to be a nice camp after all.

Still didn’t need to fire up the Stihl. Place had a minor burn awhile back and the fire-fightin’ folks had cut up a bunch of the burnin’ trees. So the place was liter’ly littered with hunks of firewood. Almost too easy.

 

[KOWBOY]

Wednesday, 11 June

Noticeably warmer last night but still very comfortable. Just didn’t need the sleepin’ bag or the furnace. Broke camp pretty early and hit the highway back to Highway 89 and headed north again. Coupla the brochures I picked up at the Ranger Station yesterday were about a Highway 12 … the All-American Road. “Scenic Byway 12 spans a route 124 miles, and travels through some of the most diverse, remote, and ruggedly beautiful landscapes in the country. It runs through Utah’s Garfield and Wayne Counties and is home to two national parks, three state parks, a national recreation area, a national monument, and a national forest.” How could a fella possibly pass up such a thang? I couldn’t.

So I hang a right onto Highway 12 … the All-American Road By Gawd.

A short distance puts ya into Red Canyon. Man was it pretty.

 

[KOWBOY]

Then ya get to the outskirts of Bryce Canyon.

It was like ev’ry ten miles or so you were in another country all together. Incredible.

 

[KOWBOY]

Then there’s the Million-dollar Road section. Hopefully y’all can blow up the pic enuf to read the sign. Built by my beloved Civilian Conservation Corps from 1935 to 1940, they blasted their way to success. The current highway still sits on the road bed they formed. That’s good stuff right there.

More scenery down the road. Nice lil’ valley in the rock.

Then ya drive alongside the phenomenal Escalante River Valley for awhile.

 

[KOWBOY]

Once ya go thru Boulder, ya start seriously climbin’ back into the mountains and another section of the Dixie National Forest. A fella can see forever from this lookout above the treeline. Unfortunately, even my new camera don’t do worth a s*** takin’ a pic of forever.

But my camera did do a fantabulous job of capturin’ this here deer haulin-ass away from the clankin’ of my big-ol’ diesel.

 

[KOWBOY]

In one last-ditch effort to camp by water, I turned off on a road to the Lower Bowns Reservoir. A long, miserable, washboard road that led to a typical National Forest campground that wasn’t even on the shores of the lake. So I left a nice deposit in their pit toilet and drove back out on the same miserable road.

Hit the blacktop and just keep on easin’ on and see this here lil’ road. The proverbial road less traveled. The truck is barely off the blacktop in this pic.

It goes up over the hill and down the other side in a short distance.

And dead ends in this here lil’ campin’ spot. Home sweet home.

So I back up to the trees and chunk some rocks under the front tires and call it good. I’m actu’ly becomin’ pretty adept at judgin’ how level the camper is from the driver’s seat of the truck. I got me a small carpenter’s level that I can use but close is good enuf.

 

[KOWBOY]

And very, very soon thereafter, the rains came. And the winds. Sure glad I weren’t tryin’ to set-up no tent. Hell, I even had to turn on the furnace. But it was a good time to start typin’ all this out. Ain’t typed a lick yet due to all the late nights.

But a man’s gotta eat. Ya’ll done seen my extraordinary efforts at cookin’ up a fine breakfast, but now I’m gonna take a break from peckin’ at this sorry keyboard and give y’all a lil’ cookin’ lesson on some Kowboy Gourmet Camp Supper. Please try to follow along. But I caution you not to try this at home. A) I’m a trained professional operatin’ on a closed course … and B) Prob’ly wouldn’t taste no good at home anyhow. Funny how camp chow works like that.

So here we go Folks … some super culinary bonus coverage from the galley of my custom Hallmark camper located high in the rainy mountains of the Dixie National Forest, Southern Utah.

 

[KOWBOY]

It all starts with a coupla Hebrew National dogs slowly cooked to perfection over a open campfire. This was performed last night since I had a great cookin’ fire and didn’t know where I’d be tonight. Better lucky than good. Once cooked, I chunked ‘em in the fridge.

So the next step is to get out a paper plate from the cabinet, the weenies from the fridge, and the Spyderco knife from your pocket. (a reg’lar kitchen knife ain’t gonna work as good.)

Now cut the weenies into lil’ pieces. They might not be all the same size when you’re done. And that’s OK.

Now get yourself your lil’ can of beans outta the cabinet. Ain’t no substitutions allowed here Folks. Bush’s Best … maple cured bacon … baked beans. Damn straight.

Dig out your swiss army knife from your pocket and use the can opener blade to open up them beans. (fancy can opener not allowed)

 

[KOWBOY]

Get the pan outta the cabinet and pour your beans into it. Use a spoon from the drawer to make sure ya get ev’ry friggin’ bean outta that can!

Use your Spyderco knife to scrape them weenie pieces into the pan. DO NOT throw away the plate. You’re gonna need it later.

While them beans and weenie pieces are heatin’ up over a nice low flame (stirrin’ often), make yourself a delicate bed of Fritos Original Corn Chips on your plate. No substitutions please.

Once the beans and weenie pieces are good and hot, pour them over your bed of Fritos.

Tastefully garnish with a coupla slices of bread splattered with butter.