F$%K F$%K Stories (1 Viewer)

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rkymtnflyfisher

rkymtnflyfisher

Trout Bum
Joined
Aug 29, 2011
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I know everyone in here has some good stories from active duty, the good ole' drinking hell raising stories. Barracks f$%k f$%k games, field shenanigans, the tomfoolery that was a riot in the service but would be totally frowned upon in the civilian world.

Let's hear them!
 
What is the statue of limitations on the stories. Not sure I want to go to Ft. Levenworth,(sp). ;)
 
Helipilot said:
What is the statue of limitations on the stories. Not sure I want to go to Ft. Levenworth,(sp). ;)
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It's not what they know, it's what they can prove!
 
Caught my Plt Sgt in a porta jon, backed a 10,000 gal water distributor up to it, shoved the hose in the vent and let it rip. That damn pump would pump some water! Us young'uns thought it was pretty funny, damn near drowned his mean ass.

I have a bunch more lol, no wonder I stayed a E7 for like 14yrs.
 
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While out in the field at Ft. Carson we had a couple nights of downtime, the ultimate time to f$%k with the other units in the field.

There was an ongoing friendly feud between our squad and another squad from another battalion. Physical, a lot of sh!t talking, but friendly.
So they were stuck on ammo detail guarding the entire ammo supply for our battalions' field exercise, 5.56, 7.62, .50 cal, 25MM, grenades, claymores, AT weapons, C-4, the whole shebang. All wrapped up in about a 2 acre triple strand concertina wire holding area, with about 6 HETs loaded down, a GP large to sleep in, water buffalo, and generator powered light stands. 3 roving guards on at night. That is an important piece.

One day we were drawing ammo from them and we picked up a lot of info, number of people, and a good up close look at what was there. This was what got the wheels turning. A couple nights later we decided to do a little recon (training for the new guys) Our squad broke up into the 2 teams and went separate ways, one team set up to observe the holding area activities, all the normal stuff, shift changes, patterns, numbers, etc.....
The other team went to scout a good breach location, and infil/exfil routes. Multiple ones.

After a long boring night of observation and route scouting we met back up at our companies bivy site, came up with a crazy plan for the next night, ate MRE's and crashed out in the morning light.

The following night we moved into place, both teams split up and went our separate ways, one team was going to turn the breakers off on the light stands, leaving the generators running to keep our noise covered. It would give us a good 5 minutes before the metal halide lamps would restrike and come back on once they turned the breakers back on. As soon as the lights went out the other team started cutting the wire, 3 strands of concertina and at least 6 strands of tanglefoot.

As soon as the lights went out we started cutting, the other team fell in with us and helped breach the wire, everything was going as planned. The guards were over at the light stands trying to figure out how to turn the lights back on, looking like idiots, when we slipped in on the opposite side of the wire. 3 guys went truck to truck with camo sticks writing "dead" on the doors as they went by, 3 others went to the ammo and started to cut off and open as many boxes as we could in as short of a period as we could. 2 other guys were keeping an eye on the guards. Everything was rocking and rolling!

Until we came across an unaccounted for guy sitting in the front seat of one of the trucks! He kicked the door open on the other team leader, knocking him to the ground. Oh F@%K! Time to bail!

Immediately we broke out of the entrance the guards used, moving like our asses where on fire, with one guard in hot pursuit!
That was when I learned by they call barb wire "tanglefoot", I tripped on a strand that went across the opening in the wire, doing a face plant and chewing up a mouth full of Colorado dirt.

We skinned out in a hurry, we had more motivation to bail that the guard had to catch us! We met up at our rally point, licked our wounds, laughed our asses of, and rolled back to our company area. Meanwhile the ammo crew began a 100% inventory of all the ammo in the AHA.

The next morning CSM called a battalion formation, demanding answers.
Nobody spoke a word. Even with my cut up face and swollen lip.

The ammo guards blamed our battalion sniper team, our battalion sniper team blamed us, we denied everything, with a grin and a flask of Jameson!

A week later while drawing ammo the sergeant on guard noticed I had some good cuts on my face, I saw it in his eyes he knew it was me.

I just smiled and asked if he had done a 100% lately.
 
I started out in a maintenance section in a cbt hvy eng unit. After a summer camp spent in the woods we came in to town and spent the last sat night rising hell, getting drunk and laying anything that would hold still. I hooked up with a fine ass female Lt., yea I couldn't believe it either. 2 of my buds were getting it on with an older lady, that woman shared some very useful information with us. While we were playing war games out in the boonies our CO and XO were in town playing dress up with this very nice and experienced woman. Both of them were married mind you. But it gets better, they dressed up like Batman and Robin while entertaining our new found friend. Maint. guys are always the last. Last to leave, last in the convoy, last to eat, you name it. But man did it come in handy when you needed to stop at the beer store, this trip back was a little different, one of the trucks broke down on the way back so we spent awhile getting it back up. So we knew the compound was going to be locked by the time we got back, the driver and A driver hitched a ride in another truck. Anyway we get the deuce back up and get almost back to our unit. When one of us decides to stop at the bar we all went to regularly, we pull the service trk and duece around back and we all get hammered. We get back, lock the deuce up and one of us takes the other trk home. Well someone saw us at the bar. We had to be back at the unit the next day to clean equip. Right after formation we get called in to the CO's office, we're all looking at a Article 15, reduction in rank and a fine..... Until my bud calls the CO Batman lmfao.
 
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During a FTX a few yrs. after getting in, guess I was 20 maybe 21. They had assigned us to be OFOR, higher probably figured we would be easy pickings. What could maint. guys possibly know about war fare, right? What Bn. didn't know was me and a few others were also on the state special reaction team or what we called Shoot Right Through. We had been gathering up flares and grenade simulators so when the time came we'd be ready. Well the whole thing kinda got out of hand, before we knew it there was hand to hand going on everywhere. Its dark as hell, I mean dark! We were bounding going for the TOC my bud (D man) had just lobbed a simulator at the 60 gunner nearest the TOC when out of no where this guy runs rite over me. I'm laying flat on my back when he raises his E-tool and before he swings he gets butt stroked, this kinda s*** was going on everywhere. Just before we enter the spiraled concertina that leads in to the TOC our 1st Shirt calls a cease fire to get everything back under control. Man we were pissed, he knew his goose was cooked and that was the only way he could stop it. Well now we know where everything is located all the NDPs, the 60s and 50s, the 90mm recoiless, the concertina, FPL everything. So we start all over, go back out the gate and wait on the signal. The flare goes up and we haul ass, this time we're at the TOC in no time. I see Top in the dim light inside the GP small, he knows we're close. I don't give him time to call a cease fire this time, the grenade simulator makes it way inside and goes off. I laugh every time I think about it, I can still see those flaps standing straight out and ole top staggering out holding his ears. Till this day he still doesn't know who threw that simulator.
 
While in I Corps, Vietnam we were in enemy contact almost every day as we flew fire support for the infantry. Added to the constant flying we were getting incoming rockets and mortars about every third night.

So, a new major rotated in as our XO. He was a real tight a$$ and started pulling inspections of our tents looking for shined combat boots and other crap. A smoke grenade with a trip wire to the entrance to his nice plywood quarters got his attention and that ended the inspections and other horse sh!t. No body ever found out who set the smoke grenade.
 
While in I Corps we made a parts run to Danang in our C model Huey. The battalion maintenance officer, a major who had just got a Dear John letter and who was drinking like a fish, wanted to go as aircraft commander to get his flight time in. Due to his drinking the CO had his eye on Maj. Bu%$&#. We got to Danang and landed on the Navy helipad. The crew chief went to get the parts. The Major wanted me to go with him to the nearest bar. What followed was me and the crew chief keeping an eye on him while he made an absolute a$$ of himself, totally drunk, banging whores, and starting an argument in a very nice Vietnamese nightclub that resulted in him getting arrested by the MP's after he pulled his .45 on them. They later told us to walk him out of the lock-up so they wouldn't have to do the paperwork on arresting a major.

Finally got him carried over to the helipad about 0200 hrs. We strapped him in and took off for Camp Eagle. About 20 minutes into the flight he wakes up, throws off his flight helmet, strips down to totally nude and pissed in the chin bubble. Seeing the urine sloshing around in the chin bubble he pulls out his .45 and blows a hole in the chin bubble. I am flying instruments due to the dark night with no horizon so couldn't do much and the crew chief was trying to hold him down. After about 15 minutes he passes out, thank God. We landed at Camp Eagle and left him in the aircraft where he was found by the CO the next morning. He was packed and gone that afternoon. We had to drill out the chin bubble and replace it before the next flight and not another word was said.

Next installment: How we two Warrant Officers built our own deluxe hooch with Air Conditioning.
 
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Before deploying to Desert Shield/Desert Storm, the folks around our area donated a TV and VCR player to each platoon in our company. After hitting the desert, our Top decided he needed ours more then we did. Didn't sit very well with guys at all, any way someone drew a big cross hair on the back of his BDU top. We left on a mission the next morning, when we returned couple weeks later he had our Plt. Sgt. take up our ammo and was told to keep it till we left again. The same day we returned, some idiot had picked up some unexploded ordnance. He and his buddies was throwing it back and forth playing catch. Well one of the squad ldrs. saw this and screamed at them to get rid of it, it got thrown in the wrong direction. Low and behold when it the ground it exploded, remarkably no one was injured. A certain somebody just knew this was meant for him and never said a cross word to anyone again.
 
At Camp Eagle in I Corps WO1 Po&&% and myself were the lowest ranking officers in the unit and the only Warrant Officers as well other than a CW4 Supply Officer, Mr Peckinp###. Warrant Officers are noted for their technical skills and we proceeded to start fixing up our plywood hooch that the engineers had built for our unit before our arrival in country. We had 1/2 of a hooch with the other half being a briefing room separated by a plywood wall.

Being combat pilots who covered our infantry, we occasionally got captured weapons from the troops as a thank you for saving their butts. We flew down to a SeaBee unit and negotiated a trade for some plywood, nails, 2x4's, and other goodies for the weapons. We also bagged a nice wardrobe and two chest of drawers. We loaded all this loot in the back of the helicopter and flew back to Camp Eagle, arriving after dark. We then "borrowed" the Colonel's jeep and hauled it all back to our hooch. Every evening after flight operations were done we sawed and hammered until late in the night. We lined the entire hooch, installed a ceiling, build a long desk along one wall, covered the open screen windows with heavy plastic sheeting and Mr Pecking### secured us some tile and cement to tile the floor. Our bunks were really comfortable and we had the mosquito netting properly applied for a good night's sleep. We also planted a couple of banana trees at the entrance.

This was starting to take shape. We needed an air conditioner to really make it work...Bright Idea...The Navy at Danang had air conditioners in their "O" club. I asked the crew chief to requisition some helicopter parts and we got a flight down to the Navy base authorized. We took an air conditioner out of the window and when we pulled it out a LtJG said "Hey, what are you doing?" We told him it was due for maintenance and would he please unplug the cord for us. He did it. We hauled ass back to our bird in a borrowed navy jeep and took off. The crew chief and door gunner drove the jeep to the airfield where a Chinook unit was based and asked them to sling the jeep to Camp Eagle. They did and that is how two Warrant Officers had the nicest hooch in camp and had our own jeep to get around after the E-7 maintenance sergeant painted up some new unit ID on the jeep.

However, after we had this all smoothed out and looking really good, the Battalion Operations Officer decided we two pilots should be transferred to the two arriving ARA companies to act as instructors to the new pilots to show them the terrain in our AO and teach them how to see the NVA through triple canopy jungle. And you can guess who moved into our beautiful hooch...that's right, the Lieutenant Colonel.
 
That was a good one, can't even get close to that.
Ain't it funny how if you just act like your legit, no gives it a second thought. When we went over in 2003 our CO assigned me as battle capt. in operations as soon he got the word. I had been everything a SFC could be in a Co. Soon after getting to Kuwait I got a chance to have my own platoon again. I had known the Plt ldr a long time, he had been a SSgt before excepting a commission. You couldn't ask for a better officer. I had made some connections while waiting on our equip. and had gotten the guys a couple deuces worth of lumber. Man before long they had the best looking Hooch's there, fine ass bunk beds. Some had put up walls, built benches you name it, but no mattresses.
When we had first got there we all had stayed in a big open bay type building with wall to wall bunk beds With Mattresses! So I knew where I was going. I asked Lt. to come with his HMMV and help haul them back, first thing he said was how you going to get them out. I said watch, we pulled up walked in, I told a SSgt inside to get some folks and start taking mattresses out and stack'em on those 2 HMMVs. Lt. couldn't believe it. All that good military training, the only question that SSgt asked was how many I wanted.
 
That's the way to do it gator. Good on you man!
 
Helipilot said:
That's the way to do it gator. Good on you man!
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Thank you @Helipilot, I was told several things by older seasoned vets when I first became a NCO. These 4 things have stuck in my head. 1) If you take care of your people, they will take care of you. 2) Never ask anyone to do what you wouldn't do. 3) A good leader leads from the front. 4) Respect is earned. I forgot one, lead by example. Some people just don't get it man. Case in point. Higher took my Lt. and put him in Ops. So I ran things the way I wanted, everything was great. Then they came up with the great idea of letting me train a green 2nd Lt., I guess so he could get promoted, hell I don't know what they were thinking. Man this guy was a piece of work. His first trip out sealed his fate, I was to give a brief at 0500 then our SP was like 0530. He didn't make the brief, he was late for the SP, I left him. The TOC kept hollering on the radio for one us to go back and get him, so the rear gun trk commander finally gave in and went back for him. Got into a jam that evening and things went south, he made a complete ass of himself. To make a long story a little shorter, by the time we got back, a week maybe the guys hated him. He had been eating their poggie bait, had to bum ammo because he forgot his. Then he demanded they all should show him more respect. I banned him from the radio and he was to keep his mouth shut. They finally gave up on him.
 
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The whole military runs on the NCO's abilities to get the job done. And to add to your comment about leading from the front...Col Butler, a real southern gentleman who got me a direct commission from CWO said to me when I took command of headquarters company, "Your must lead from the front. "You cannot push a rope, you must Pull the rope". I never forgot his example.

While company commander in Germany, several of my troops were getting arrested by the German Police for driving while drunk, easy to do as the German beer was pretty strong. The First Sargeant and I converted a large room in the basement of our HQ into a club for our troops. Very nice with cold beer, pin ball machines, pool tables, and other stuff leased from a German vendor and paid for with the morale and welfare fund we had.


The night of our grand opening we had the senior staff show up with their wives which was fine with us. One of my NCO's, an E-7 just in from his second tour in Vietnam, was enjoying the beer too much and started using a lot of foul language in front of the XO's wife and the other ladies present. I immediately escorted him out and drove him to his quarters where I handed him to his wife and two kids. She was very upset as they just had three years to go for retirement.

The next morning Colonel Torgueson had me in front of his desk and ordered me to Article 15 the soldier. That would have been a career killer and cost him a stripe which would have been impossible to get back before he would retire. I got with the First Sgt. and the Brigade Sargeant Major to get this guy transferred within the week. Every day the Col. asked about the Article 15. I always said we were working on it. We got him out of the Brigade and back state side. The Col. was furious and marked me down on my Officer Efficiency Report no doubt delaying my promotion to Major a year at least but, right is right and the wives were not invited to the club opening. BTW, I had already been recruited by a three letter agency to come to work for them, so fork it. A two combat tour NCO didn't deserve to have that done to him.
 
Helipilot said:
The whole military runs on the NCO's abilities to get the job done. And to add to your comment about leading from the front...Col Butler, a real southern gentleman who got me a direct commission from CWO said to me when I took command of headquarters company, "Your must lead from the front. "You cannot push a rope, you must Pull the rope". I never forgot his example.

While company commander in Germany, several of my troops were getting arrested by the German Police for driving while drunk, easy to do as the German beer was pretty strong. The First Sargeant and I converted a large room in the basement of our HQ into a club for our troops. Very nice with cold beer, pin ball machines, pool tables, and other stuff leased from a German vendor and paid for with the morale and welfare fund we had.


The night of our grand opening we had the senior staff show up with their wives which was fine with us. One of my NCO's, an E-7 just in from his second tour in Vietnam, was enjoying the beer too much and started using a lot of foul language in front of the XO's wife and the other ladies present. I immediately escorted him out and drove him to his quarters where I handed him to his wife and two kids. She was very upset as they just had three years to go for retirement.

The next morning Colonel Torgueson had me in front of his desk and ordered me to Article 15 the soldier. That would have been a career killer and cost him a stripe which would have been impossible to get back before he would retire. I got with the First Sgt. and the Brigade Sargeant Major to get this guy transferred within the week. Every day the Col. asked about the Article 15. I always said we were working on it. We got him out of the Brigade and back state side. The Col. was furious and marked me down on my Officer Efficiency Report no doubt delaying my promotion to Major a year at least but, right is right and the wives were not invited to the club opening. BTW, I had already been recruited by a three letter agency to come to work for them, so fork it. A two combat tour NCO didn't deserve to have that done to him.
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Wish more folks thought like you, or took care of their people like that. Couple of really good troops from another section, guys that you knew had your back. Just young and wild. They went with us a lot, anyways we get back to Kuwait after a mission and decide to forge the BCs signature and borrow a humvee. They made the mistake of stopping at the same burger joint as the BCs Sgt. Maj., they made a example out of them boys.The BC was a small man with a big chip on his shoulder, it was a shame.They got busted down to E-1s and fined some large amount.They didn't have to be that hard on them. Must of the plt. was some what high spirited, but they got the most done out of the whole Co. probably the Bn. Some of boys were a handful and were at their best out of camp on missions, so we stayed out as much as possible. That made most everybody happy.
 
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Some people are just assholes and tromp on other people to make themselves feel more powerful when it just makes them appear petty.
 
We were downtown watching Platoon, it had just came out and the Germans got it really fast. As the mass crowd exited through the lobby, a guy with vomit on his hands wiped it on the shirt of one of the guys in our unit. He reared back and hit the guy, sending him through the big glass window. The old German couple thanking us for coming started screaming, the only word I remember was Polizei. The guy that hit him took off running, he was going through alleys, over gates, and he lost us. One of our people said he would have went to the Engineer bar, I was Engineer then. We went there and he was already at the bar drinking a beer. We never heard anything about it after that.
 
That was rude to wipe his hands on a U.S. soldier. Serves him right to do a header through a glass window.
 
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