drum roll.....who did you sell it? we need details?
It's a sad, sad story with a happy ending. Why don't you go and get yourself a handkerchief to mop up the tears. You'll fight them off at first, but then you'll give in to the beautiful emotions and be left a heap of sobbing mess on your couch this rainy Saturday. Go on, I'll wait here a minute...
I finally found something I wanted. Definitely wasn't going to last on the open market. 'Twas love at first sight and I knew I'd be making an impulsive, irrational purchase as soon as I saw it -- It was time to give the 08 Landcruiser the Morrocan Divorce.
Put on my big boy pants and decided today's the day. It's out the door one way or another. After all, it's time to get my life back and close this chapter for good. Drove about an hour to Carmax and received a 20k offer from the most annoying employee wearing not one, but two large CarMax buttons on his shirt. Out of curiousity, I asked someone else that works there if they are required to wear the buttons. NO, THEY ARE NOT. Carmax has a soul-less no haggle policy, so I made a scene and threw an epic temper tantrum then stormed out and proceed to do a neutral drop and laid down a few donuts in the customer parking lot. Everyone inside that sterile building watched with dumbfounded horror. Police came, but the officer was a twisted lad and you could tell he liked the story and secretly wanted to be friends. He told the manager that I accidentally hit the gas instead of the brake and panicked. circumstantially left 3 perfect circular rubber crop dustings on their asphalt. Officer winked at me before he left - one of the good guys right there.
Proceeded to get a bite to calm myself down. Works every time. I mean, seriously is there anything 3 warm tacos from Chipolte can't fix? THATS A RHETORICAL QUESTTION...NO, there isn't. I then proceeded to the next buymyshitcar franchise and started the whole shebang over again. Felt like Bill Murray in groundhogs day. Same number. Haggle policy in full effect here. I told their buyer poker-faced that I wanted 48k. I'm a master negotiator, so we settled at 20.5.
Here's where it got interesting...
At the very second the over eager buyer slid me the papers to ink, my phone rings. It's one of you guys -- definitely my favorite one. He wants the truck now, but for 21. Of course, I want him to have it over these babydicks I'm dealing with. BUT, my shiny new car deal hangs in the winds and there's the whole possibility that that deal isn't 100%. Lord Jesus my heart was really pumping at this point. I pulled out my phone and put on some exciting music to enhance the situation...
My mind was racing and I thought.... ok, this is your moment to shine. I asked for a brown paper bag and took a couple of breaths. You might ask yourself "I seen this on TV, but what does breathing into a brown paper bag actually do????" Well, when the body receives more oxygen than it needs, the result can be what's known as respiratory alkalosis (high pH). One of the most common causes is hyperventilating. The point of breathing into a bag is to “re-breathe” your exhaled carbon dioxide (CO2) in the hopes of bringing your body back to a normal pH level. Got it? Makes total sense, right???
After I chilled the fu@k out, I tell my new mud friend that I've gotta protect myself and this is what we're gonna do if you're serious and ready to send some money to a Nigerian Prince with the promise of a shiny, somewhat rusty 08 Landcruiser in return: I tell him, send me $500 via paypal (so shady, ya?) right this very second and if you back out, I gotta keep the $500 becuause I'm walking on this 20.5 deal and it's not feeling too stable and I'm not 100% sure it'll be there tomorrow. I might have to return back to Carmax with egg on my face (and some acetone to remove my skid marks from their parking lot) and take the 20k there.... OMG, this shiit is getting intense...He asks for a few minutes. I say you gotta let me know in a minute because literally the clock was a tickin'...
He calls back. He's a bit scared so we agree to be best friends forever instead. I instantly I sign the papers at this buy-a-bag-o-dicks car buying establishment. Although I was pretty confident we discovered everything about the truck, there was still the chance it stroked out on his first shakedown drive. I actually was relieved as On some level, I didn't want him in this truck.
Check in hand, I instantly bought my new car. Sight unseen from a bazillion miles away after doing a few searches on the dealer. Not even lying: a bald eagle flew over my head at that very moment and I knew the universe was in harmony.
The end.
