Monday Chuckle (1 Viewer)

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A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. The guy knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in 'fashion sense.' He walks up to him and says, 'I didn't know you were into earrings.'

'Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring,' he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, 'So, how long have you been wearing one?'
'Ever since my wife found it in my truck.'

--------------------------------------------------------------

Because he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "I'm just an ordinary man," he said walking up to her, "but in a little while, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars. I would like to have someone to share it with. Will you come home with me?" The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.
 
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its f ace, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
 
White Trash smoke detect'r.....
redneck smoke detector.jpg
 
here's a non techy post

this years hot halloween costume...retired hooters girl
HOOTERS.jpg
 
A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.
The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"
The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare...!
 
Quote for the day:

"Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.

If you give her a sperm, she will give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she will give you a home.

If you give her groceries, she will give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she will give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her."

So remember - if you give her a small amount of crap, you will receive a ton of s***.
 
"What are your worst fears?"



Country Living magazine's top three answers were:
1. Nuclear war/terrorist attack in U.S.
2. Child/spouse dying/terminal illness.
3. Terminal illness/self.

Ebony/Jet magazine's top three answers were:
1. Ghosts
2. Dogs
3. Registered mail
 
Last edited:
THink you left something out there.
 
Texican said:
Country Living magazine's top three answers were:
1. Nuclear war/terrorist attack in U.S.
2. Child/spouse dying/terminal illness.
3. Terminal illness/self.

Ebony/Jet magazine's top three answers were:
1. Ghosts
2. Dogs
3. Registered mail
Click to expand...
<jeopardy theme> And the question is... ? </jeopardy theme>

Alex, I would say the question is, "What are your worst fears?"

Did I win?
 
valkyrie610 said:
<jeopardy theme> and the question is... ? </jeopardy theme>

alex, i would say the question is, "what are your worst fears?"

did i win?
Click to expand...

duh....fixed it
next question please?
 
> Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my
> lunch,
> grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook
> the boat up
> to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential
> down pour.
>
> The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage,
> turned on
> the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad
> throughout the
> day.
>
> I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped
> back into
> bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a
> different
> anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is
> terrible.'
>
> My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, 'Can you believe my
> stupid husband
> is out fishing in that crap?'
>
> I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I
> have stopped
> fishing.
 
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, we're leaving. Your brothers Peter and Willy are waiting for us.

:flamingo:
 
A Love Story

This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.
When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, 'What did you steal?' She replied, 'A can of peaches.' The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied, '6.' The judge said, 'Then I will give you 6 days in jail.' Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, 'What is it?' The husband said, 'She also stole a can of peas.'
 
I have enjoyed all of your posts and maybe you will find these 'oldies' enjoyable.
Women_Explained_by_Engineers_1.jpg
Women_Explained_by_Engineers_2.gif
Women_Explained_by_Engineers_3.jpg
 
A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.
He shouts "This is a raid - everyone get on the floor!", and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.
As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts "Did anybody else here see my face?".
The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.
"Did anybody else see my face?" He shouts again, waving his gun around.
There is a silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner.
"I think my wife caught a glimpse..."

:flamingo:
 
Flu season is coming. Here's a few tips to keep you healthy.

Remember to eat right. Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.

Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.

Get plenty of exercise because exercise can help build your immune system. Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc

Wash your hands often, if you can't wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.

Get lots of fresh air. Open doors and windows whenever possible.

Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

Get plenty of rest.

And get a flu shot. Think about it...When you go for a shot, they clean your arm with alcohol...Why? Because alcohol kills germs.


So.....
I walk to the liquor store (exercise)
I put lime in my beer and celery in my Bloody Marys (fruits and veggies)
Drink on the bar patio (fresh air)
Tell jokes, laugh (eliminate stress)
Then pass out (rest)

The way I see it if you keep your alcohol level up, flu germs can't get you.

A shot in the glass in better than one in the ass
 
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