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An old man is just back from Thailand with his new Thai bride.
Lying in bed, his new bride is playing with his manhood ... slowly stroking it up and down. The old man says, 'You must love that, you haven't left it alone since we got back.'
The bride sighed wistfully and replied, 'Not really .... I just really miss mine.'

:flamingo:
 
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, ' My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'


'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' said the nun, 'Why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've e sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married
and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Gary and I'm going to a Halloween party.'
 
Kansas City, MO (AP) - A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Jackson County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over
who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him
more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the
judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and
said that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning
that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge
took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have
custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child
welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the
Kansas City Chiefs, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.



Sad, but too true :crybaby:
 
During this unbelievable turmoil on the market, here?s the best investment advice I have heard so far:

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines
one year ago, you would have $49.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year
ago, you would have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers
one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year
ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you would have received $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg Plan.

Call me, 1-800-401-KEGS, if you are interested in getting more detailed info on this proven plan that works well during a deep recession time.
 
mikelitoris.jpg
 
A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his mission in the jungle where he has spent 20 years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, 'This is a tree.'

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree.'

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.'

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock.'

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Man riding a bike.'

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, 'My bike.'

:flamingo:
 
This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.
She read . 'and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'
The teacher paused then asked the class:
'And what do you think the man said?'
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly ...'I think the man would have said -
'Well, I'll be damned!! A talking pig!'

The teacher had to leave the room.

:flamingo:
 
Head of Household

When everyone on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, 'I want the men to make two lines.
One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter.'
Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men.
The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said, 'You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household!
'You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose!
'Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him.' God turned to the one man, 'How did you manage to be the only one in this line?'

The man replied, 'My wife told me to stand here.'

:flamingo:
 
New Obama Custom Presidential Armored Car

New Obama Custom Presidential Armored Car
presidents-09.jpg
 
A redneck love poem

susie lee done fell in love,
she planned to marry joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all,
she told her pappy so.

Pappy told her, susie gal,
you'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo' ma don't know,
but joe is yo' half brother.

So susie put aside her joe
and planned to marry will.
But after telling pappy this,
he said, 'there's trouble still.'

you can't marry will, my gal,
and please don't tell yo' mother.
But will and joe, and several mo'
i know is yo' half brother.

But mama knew and said, my child,
just do what makes yo' happy.
Marry will or marry joe;
you ain't no kin to pappy.
 
When you have an "I Hate My Job day"

[Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]


Try this out:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not bedisturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins .

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully . You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

' Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized . '

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, 'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson .'

HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!
 
Preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. 'How much do you want for the mower?' asked the preacher.

'I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle,' said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, 'Will you take my bike in trade for it?'

The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, he said, 'Mister, you've got yourself a deal.'

The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower.

The preacher called the little boy over and said, 'I can't get this mower to start.'

The little boy said, 'That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started.'

The preacher said, 'I can't cuss. It's been so long since I became a Christian that I don't even remember how to cuss.'

The little boy looked at him happily and said, 'You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya.'
 
An elderly couple was attending Mass.
About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

:flamingo:
 
Why engineers don't write cookbooks

Chocolate Chip Cookies:

Ingredients:

1. 532.35 cm3 gluten
2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10. 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1.

Additionally, add ingredients nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.
 
I recall my first time with a condom. I was 16 years old and went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was a beautiful female assistant behind the counter and she could see that I was new to this. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I answered honestly, "Well, not exactly; this is my first time." So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to always make sure it was on tight and secure. I nodded yes but apparently I still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was.

"Just a minute," she said, as she walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. "Do these excite you?", she asked. I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head rapidly and smile. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.

As I slipped it on nice and secure, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay back on the desk. "Well, come on", she said, "We don't have much time."

So I climbed up on the desk and entered her. It felt so wonderful that unfortunately I couldn't hold back and KAPOW!!, I was done within just a minute, if even that long.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. "Did you put that condom on?", she
asked.

I said, "I sure did",,,,,,,,and held up my thumb to show her.

:flamingo:
 
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