Monday Chuckle (1 Viewer)

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Joe, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM . He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large Building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Joe and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Joe says, "You know, I bet he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Joe placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Joe , saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money." Joe replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump." The blonde replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."


Joe took the money
 
A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange.
When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired,
'Why the spoon?''
'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes.
After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil.
It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare.
'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.'
I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.
So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice.
'Not everyone is so observant.
That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

:flamingo:
 
I recently picked a new doctor. After a couple visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh, no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my last doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No," I said. He looked at me and said, "Then why do you even give a s***?"
 
Please excersize caution when approaching the dreaded dickhead...
dickhead.jpg
 
A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'
The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'
She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'

:flamingo:
 
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Golf Skirts ..

'The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivees?', Ole demanded.
'Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'
The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.

'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'

She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?'

She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.....Tidy yerself up a bit.'
 
having once used a pringles can to shim my steering so i could make the two hour drive home from a 23 hour trip wheeling a 4 hour trail, i can really appreciate that someone else enjoys pringles also.
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66fj40x2 said:
Dang it Ige.... Now I gotta use a Coors can instead on the Pringes can I was planning to use for the snorkel on 40 :hillbilly:
Click to expand...

but pringles rock...wish i'd gotten a pic, but this was the only one. at 3am we weren't thinking to straight;)

not a coors can, but we used a couple of coke cans to build an air cleaner spacer when a dudes carb caught fire and melted his plastic one...does that count:hillbilly:

somewhere i had pics of gary and me cracking eggs into his radiator at snt too, but not sure where those went. fortunately, there aren't any pictures of me dumping six litres of mtn dew and dr pepper in the radiator of my old dodge when we were towing the 45s home. :D

your food and beverages are not safe when you wheel with me :D
Chinaman's Gulch 040106 18 Small.jpeg
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Tech?????

In the White Trash Forum??????

Where TF is Kowboy.
 
Texican said:
Tech?????

In the White Trash Forum??????

Where TF is Kowboy.
Click to expand...

ya know, butch, if you really want tech, i am an 80 owner now so, to keep from offending the folks in 80 tech, i could start a four page thread on the affects of high fructose corn syrup on a cooling system. :D
 
Don't know nothin' 'bout corn syrup....
But, I've had to pee in the radiator and my uncle says he used to add corn squeezins to dewater his gas tank.

Does that count?

;)
Happy Trails! N





nuclearlemon said:
ya know, butch, if you really want tech, i am an 80 owner now so, to keep from offending the folks in 80 tech, i could start a four page thread on the affects of high fructose corn syrup on a cooling system. :D
Click to expand...
 
A drunk walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar, and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three tough-looking bikers sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, looks the biggest, meanest biker in the face, and says, "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and always gets into fights at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get upset, but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans over one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!" At this point, the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks him square in the eyes and says, "Grandpa, go home, you're drunk!"

:flamingo:
 
What's the difference between a wife, a nymphomaniac, and a hooker?
The nympho says, "You're done already?"
The hooker says, "Are you done yet?"
And the wife says, "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

:flamingo:
 
A drunk says to the bartender, "I want a woman!" So, the bartender gives him directions to the local brothel. The customer was so drunk, he misreads the directions and accidentally goes into the office of a foot doctor. The receptionist at the counter asks, "Can I help you?" "Yes, I want some service," states the drunk. She sends him to one of the examination rooms and tells him to put it on the table. The drunk goes in and places his manhood on the exam table. When the doctor comes in, the startled podiatrist sees the man's member on the table and she says, "That's not a foot!" The drunk replies, "Give it time, lady, give it time."

:flamingo:
 
Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob told Lester, "You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different.
The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Marie got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again.
Last year, you suggested Tahiti and darned if Marie didn't get pregnant again."
Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year, I'm taking Marie with me."

:flamingo:
 
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