Bodean said:
...they did...with our tax money.
I heard he tried to put spinners on air force one...
Jokes thread
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...they did...with our tax money.
I heard he tried to put spinners on air force one...
Found this to be fitting...
Playboy magazine has reportedly offered Sarah Palin $4,000,000 to pose nude in an upcoming issue.
Michelle Obama was offered $75 by National Geographic.
In other news... we all remember when KFC (Kentucky Fried Chicken) offered a "Hillary Meal" consisting of 2 small breasts and 2 large thighs. Now, KFC is offering the "Obama Cabinet Bucket." It consists of nothing but left wings and A holes.
Playboy magazine has reportedly offered Sarah Palin $4,000,000 to pose nude in an upcoming issue.
Michelle Obama was offered $75 by National Geographic.
In other news... we all remember when KFC (Kentucky Fried Chicken) offered a "Hillary Meal" consisting of 2 small breasts and 2 large thighs. Now, KFC is offering the "Obama Cabinet Bucket." It consists of nothing but left wings and A holes.
^^^^ 
The Pope and Obama are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Mr. Obama and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Obama replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand....Show me!"
So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!
AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY!
The Pope and Obama are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Mr. Obama and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Obama replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand....Show me!"
So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!
AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY!
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Yup. It's all semantics
Jordan that is hilarious...........and very true.................and very sad....................I need a drink now
Got that from my dad. Thought I'd pass the love along 
Jordan, thats freakin hilarious and scary at the same time. It reminds me of the joke about the young newlyweds...
Husband: I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time.
Wife: Out of aaaaalllll your many friends, you have the biggest penis.
Husband: I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time.
Wife: Out of aaaaalllll your many friends, you have the biggest penis.
thought I could share this here without taking a beating...
Texas farmer
In south Texas, where there is a large German speaking population, a farmer walking down a country road notices a man drinking from his pond with his hand.
The farmer shouted:
"Trink das Wasser nicht. Die Kuehe haben da reingeschissen."
(Which means: 'Don't drink the water, the cows have pooped in it.')
The man shouted back:
"I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Obama's health care plan, I can't understand you. Please speak in English."
The farmer replied:
"Use two hands, you'll get more water."
Texas farmer
In south Texas, where there is a large German speaking population, a farmer walking down a country road notices a man drinking from his pond with his hand.
The farmer shouted:
"Trink das Wasser nicht. Die Kuehe haben da reingeschissen."
(Which means: 'Don't drink the water, the cows have pooped in it.')
The man shouted back:
"I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Obama's health care plan, I can't understand you. Please speak in English."
The farmer replied:
"Use two hands, you'll get more water."
^ nice
Bodean
Hot Damn
The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population.
It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a ‘more humane’ solution to this issue.
What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again. This plan was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U.S. Forest Service.
All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.
Finally, an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand our problem here. These coyotes ain't screwin' our sheep; they're eatin' 'em!"
The meeting never really got back to order.
It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a ‘more humane’ solution to this issue.
What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again. This plan was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U.S. Forest Service.
All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.
Finally, an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand our problem here. These coyotes ain't screwin' our sheep; they're eatin' 'em!"
The meeting never really got back to order.
Bodean
Hot Damn
His name was Bubba, he was from Mississippi ..... And he needed a loan, so....... He walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from Miss State University , a highly sophisticated investor and Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater , Texas . What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"
His name was BUBBA....
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from Miss State University , a highly sophisticated investor and Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater , Texas . What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"
His name was BUBBA....
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED
Men are just happier people.
(What do you expect from such simple creatures?)
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear no shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress - $5000. Tux rental - $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can do your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it.
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women, somehow, deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house..
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
[So, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it . . . and, to the men who will enjoy reading it.]
Men are just happier people.
(What do you expect from such simple creatures?)
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear no shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress - $5000. Tux rental - $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can do your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it.
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women, somehow, deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house..
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
[So, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it . . . and, to the men who will enjoy reading it.]
nice............and true
- Thread starter
- #116
now i know what to get you for christmas
You need to have one made for memphis. you've been on the receiving end of that there bumper sticker