"I was so poor growing up, if I wasn't a boy I wouldn't have anything to play with"
-Rodney Dangerfield
-Rodney Dangerfield
Jokes thread
- Thread starter dnp
- Start date
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- Thread starter
- #62
THE HAIRCUT
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!
Bold line may be my new sig line..
- Thread starter
- #65
A woman that was applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.
The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this:
"Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!" said the woman
I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Chryslers, and I voted for Obama."
The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this:
"Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!" said the woman
I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Chryslers, and I voted for Obama."
Bodean
Hot Damn
Husband Down
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
“What do you think you're doing?” asks the wife.
“They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans” he replies.
“Put them back, we can't afford them” demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
“What do you think you're doing?” asks the husband.
“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: “So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.”
He never knew what hit him.
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
“What do you think you're doing?” asks the wife.
“They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans” he replies.
“Put them back, we can't afford them” demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
“What do you think you're doing?” asks the husband.
“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: “So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.”
He never knew what hit him.
^ nice
Hers is a classic:
If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you! I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in*Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge ..3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
*** Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was*assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I gladly accepted".
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI .. 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
***
*** Judge .. 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
***
*** Judge .. 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
*** Judge .. 3 (Frank) -- Holy s***, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
***
***
***
*** CHILI .. 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
***
*** Judge .. 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
***
*** Judge .. 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
***
*** Judge .. 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. ! They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
***
***
***
*** CHILI .. 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
***
*** Judge .. 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
***
*** Judge .. 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
***
*** Judge .. 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s***-faced from all of the beer.
***
***
***
*** CHILI .. 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
***
*** Judge .. 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
***
*** Judge .. 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
***
*** Judge .. 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
***
***
***
*** CHILI .. 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
***
*** Judge .. 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne <http://www.dailystrength.org/treatments/Cayenne>*; peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
***
*** Judge .. 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne <http://www.dailystrength.org/treatments/Cayenne>* peppers make a strong statement.
***
*** Judge .. 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
***
***
***
*** CHILI .. 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
***
*** Judge .. 1 -- Thin yet bold veg! etarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
***
*** Judge .. 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
***
*** Judge .. 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I s*** on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
***
***
***
*** CHILI .. 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
***
*** Judge .. 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
***
*** Judge .. 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge .. 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
***
*** Judge .. 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
***
***
***
*** CHILI .. 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
***
*** Judge .. 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
***
*** Judge .. 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge ..3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have
*** reacted to really hot chili?
***
*** Judge .. 3 - No Report
*
*
Hers is a classic:
If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you! I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in*Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge ..3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
*** Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was*assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I gladly accepted".
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI .. 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
***
*** Judge .. 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
***
*** Judge .. 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
*** Judge .. 3 (Frank) -- Holy s***, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
***
***
***
*** CHILI .. 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
***
*** Judge .. 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
***
*** Judge .. 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
***
*** Judge .. 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. ! They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
***
***
***
*** CHILI .. 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
***
*** Judge .. 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
***
*** Judge .. 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
***
*** Judge .. 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s***-faced from all of the beer.
***
***
***
*** CHILI .. 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
***
*** Judge .. 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
***
*** Judge .. 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
***
*** Judge .. 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
***
***
***
*** CHILI .. 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
***
*** Judge .. 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne <http://www.dailystrength.org/treatments/Cayenne>*; peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
***
*** Judge .. 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne <http://www.dailystrength.org/treatments/Cayenne>* peppers make a strong statement.
***
*** Judge .. 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
***
***
***
*** CHILI .. 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
***
*** Judge .. 1 -- Thin yet bold veg! etarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
***
*** Judge .. 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
***
*** Judge .. 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I s*** on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
***
***
***
*** CHILI .. 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
***
*** Judge .. 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
***
*** Judge .. 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge .. 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
***
*** Judge .. 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
***
***
***
*** CHILI .. 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
***
*** Judge .. 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
***
*** Judge .. 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge ..3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have
*** reacted to really hot chili?
***
*** Judge .. 3 - No Report
*
*
"I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone" oh my gosh....my wife is crying and I almost threw up my dinner I laughed so hard........Lenny....you win brother!
From a friend:
After both suffering through bouts of severe depression, my wife and I decided to commit suicide yesterday.
Strangely enough, after she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better and thought screw it! I'll try to make a go of it!
After both suffering through bouts of severe depression, my wife and I decided to commit suicide yesterday.
Strangely enough, after she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better and thought screw it! I'll try to make a go of it!
Bodean
Hot Damn
I saw that years ago Lenny and I was crying when I read it. Probably the funniest story ever!
Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, Barrack Obama meets a man with a beard. 'Are you Mohammed?' he asks. 'No my son, I am St. Peter; Mohammed is higher up.' Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.
Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than St. Peter, Obama climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs up through the clouds and comes into a room where he meets another bearded man. He asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?' 'Why no,' he answers, 'I am Moses; Mohammed is higher still.'
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he climbs the ladder yet again, he discovers a larger room where he meets an angelic looking man with a beard. Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?' 'No, I am Jesus, the Christ; you will find Mohammed higher up.'
Mohammed higher than Jesus! Man, oh man! Obama can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs ever higher. Once again, he reaches an even larger room where he meets this truly magnificent looking man with a silver white beard and once again repeats his question: 'Are you Mohammed?' he gasps as he is by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing. 'No, my son, I am Almighty God, the Alpha and the Omega, but you look exhausted. Would you like a cup of coffee?'
Obama says, 'Yes please!' As God looks behind him, he claps his hands and yells out: 'Hey, Mohammed, two coffees!'
Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than St. Peter, Obama climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs up through the clouds and comes into a room where he meets another bearded man. He asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?' 'Why no,' he answers, 'I am Moses; Mohammed is higher still.'
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he climbs the ladder yet again, he discovers a larger room where he meets an angelic looking man with a beard. Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?' 'No, I am Jesus, the Christ; you will find Mohammed higher up.'
Mohammed higher than Jesus! Man, oh man! Obama can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs ever higher. Once again, he reaches an even larger room where he meets this truly magnificent looking man with a silver white beard and once again repeats his question: 'Are you Mohammed?' he gasps as he is by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing. 'No, my son, I am Almighty God, the Alpha and the Omega, but you look exhausted. Would you like a cup of coffee?'
Obama says, 'Yes please!' As God looks behind him, he claps his hands and yells out: 'Hey, Mohammed, two coffees!'
A version of one of my favorites personal training tales..
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 48 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started and encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blonde hair, dancing green eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Before long I assume I'll resemble Belinda. Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee and I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop, so I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the Hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other crap too.
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny witch to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that witch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little tramp. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damned barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, He would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds.
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 48 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started and encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blonde hair, dancing green eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Before long I assume I'll resemble Belinda. Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee and I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop, so I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the Hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other crap too.
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny witch to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that witch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little tramp. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damned barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, He would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds.
- Thread starter
- #75
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up
for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict
gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes
into the bath room.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.
If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever
he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us ; both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'
His wife responds, 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay,
Thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline.
I told him its in the bathroom.
Be strong. I love you too honey!'
for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict
gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes
into the bath room.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.
If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever
he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us ; both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'
His wife responds, 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay,
Thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline.
I told him its in the bathroom.
Be strong. I love you too honey!'
An older man, not in the best physical condition, asked the trainer in the gym, "I want to impress beautiful women. Which machine should I use?"
The trainer replied, "Use the ATM machine, outside the gym..."
The trainer replied, "Use the ATM machine, outside the gym..."
