Ever hear the one about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac that stayed up all night wondering if there is really a Dog...
Jokes thread
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If you want a good laugh read this thread. Watch the video on page two it will have you in tears. Oh please leave comments we are on a quest to make Jose' legendary!
https://forum.ih8mud.com/la-bayou-s...r-care-maintenance-prema-donna-trail-rig.html
https://forum.ih8mud.com/la-bayou-s...r-care-maintenance-prema-donna-trail-rig.html
Subject: oil change instructions
Oil Change instructions for Women:
1. Pull up to Dealership when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, scan debit card and leave, driving a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent: Oil Change: $24.00 Coffee: Complementary TOTAL: $24.00
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, and use your debit card for $50.00.
2. Stop by Beer Store and buy a case of beer, (debit $24), drive home.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack truck up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12. Crawl out from under truck to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; crawl under truck and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16. Crawl out from under truck with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties; Drink a beer.
17. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19. Remember drain plug from step 11.
20. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21. Drink beer.
22. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23. Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24. Crawl under truck getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25. Begin cussing fit.
26. Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27. Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit truck and left dent.
28. Beer.
29. Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30. Beer.
31. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32. Beer.
33. Lower truck from jack stands.
34. Move truck back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35. Beer.
36. Test drive truck.
37. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38. Truck gets impounded.
39. Call loving wife, make bail.
40. 12 hours later, get truck from impound yard. Money spent: Parts: $50.00 DUI: $2,500.00 Impound fee: $75.00 Bail: $1,500.00 Beer: $20.00 TOTAL: $4,145.00 But you know the job was done right!
Oil Change instructions for Women:
1. Pull up to Dealership when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, scan debit card and leave, driving a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent: Oil Change: $24.00 Coffee: Complementary TOTAL: $24.00
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, and use your debit card for $50.00.
2. Stop by Beer Store and buy a case of beer, (debit $24), drive home.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack truck up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12. Crawl out from under truck to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; crawl under truck and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16. Crawl out from under truck with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties; Drink a beer.
17. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19. Remember drain plug from step 11.
20. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21. Drink beer.
22. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23. Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24. Crawl under truck getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25. Begin cussing fit.
26. Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27. Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit truck and left dent.
28. Beer.
29. Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30. Beer.
31. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32. Beer.
33. Lower truck from jack stands.
34. Move truck back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35. Beer.
36. Test drive truck.
37. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38. Truck gets impounded.
39. Call loving wife, make bail.
40. 12 hours later, get truck from impound yard. Money spent: Parts: $50.00 DUI: $2,500.00 Impound fee: $75.00 Bail: $1,500.00 Beer: $20.00 TOTAL: $4,145.00 But you know the job was done right!
FineWynsFJ40
Too much to do...
now i know what to get you for christmas
You need to have one made for memphis. you've been on the receiving end of that there bumper sticker
He ain't the only one!
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?'
The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a Million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what
you learn from that.'
So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'
The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'
The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million Bucks would buy?'
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on Three million dollars .
But 'realistically', we're just living with two hookers and a queer.
The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a Million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what
you learn from that.'
So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'
The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'
The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million Bucks would buy?'
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on Three million dollars .
But 'realistically', we're just living with two hookers and a queer.
Brilliant
The difference between an American and a Muslim country...
Bodean
Hot Damn
This is not really a joke but I laughed when one of my troops told me. I have a young troop that got a call from another one of my young troops saying "hey my wifes oil light just came on at a stop light. When she revs it up it goes off" My mechanically inclined troop told him to check the oil. After checking he said there is nothing on the stick. He was told to add oil to which he replied "how much and does it go under ths cap that says oil?"
First of all, how do you grow up a male and not know how to check the oil? His Dad needs a beating!
First of all, how do you grow up a male and not know how to check the oil? His Dad needs a beating!
He is a "maintenance" guy in the USAF. Let the stereotypes begin...
Obviously, she just needs to keep revving' it!
Does it work the same way with "Intel" troops? 
man...where do I start
Ive jumped a Cessna and a AN-2Colt (run by Air Force Spec ops) that had 100 mph tape (duct tape) on the wings
I was never so happy to leave a "perfectly good aircraft"Does it work the same way with "Intel" troops?
trust me, from experience I can say that intel guys get it worse
As the Christmas Crackdown approaches I would like to share an experience
with you about drinking and driving.(something never to be taken lightly)
As some of you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes
with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the
years.
Well, I have done something about it:
A couple of nights ago I was out for a few drinks with some pals and had a
few too many whiskies as well as beers and some rather nice claret;
but knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did
something I've never done before - I took a bus home.
I arrived back safely and without incident which was a real surprise,
since I had never driven a bus before and have no idea where I got this one
from.
with you about drinking and driving.(something never to be taken lightly)
As some of you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes
with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the
years.
Well, I have done something about it:
A couple of nights ago I was out for a few drinks with some pals and had a
few too many whiskies as well as beers and some rather nice claret;
but knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did
something I've never done before - I took a bus home.
I arrived back safely and without incident which was a real surprise,
since I had never driven a bus before and have no idea where I got this one
from.
Awesome
Get that.....
^Butt coke can be a killer..
this is probably a repost but i still like it..
Tools Explained
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Hope you found this informative.
this is probably a repost but i still like it..
Tools Explained
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Hope you found this informative.
Hilarious
cousin sent me these guys clips.....hilarious...and refreshingly unvulgar
Brian Regan - eye doctor
Brian Regan Eye Doctor - YouTube
emergency room
Brian Regan - Emergency Room [Better Quality] - YouTube
Louis CK - technology
Everythings Amazing & Nobodys Happy - YouTube
Brian Regan - eye doctor
Brian Regan Eye Doctor - YouTube
emergency room
Brian Regan - Emergency Room [Better Quality] - YouTube
Louis CK - technology
Everythings Amazing & Nobodys Happy - YouTube
euclid
SILVER Star
For murry and lenny:
Boudreaux and Trosclair were a couple of drinking buddies who
Worked as aircraft mechanics at de Bayou Teche, Louisiana, International
Airport. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the
Hangar with nothing to do.
Boudreaux say, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'
Trosclair say, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink de jet fuel and
Get a buzz.’
So dey pour demselves a couple of Jet A and get completely smashed.
De next morning Boudreaux wake himsef’ up and is surprise at how good he
Feel.
In fact he feel GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nuttin!
Then de phone ring. It's Trosclair. Trosclair say, 'Hey, how you are
This morning?'
Boudreaux say, 'Man, I feel great, how bout you?'
Trosclair say, 'I feel great, too. You don' have a hangover ?'
Boudreaux say, 'No dat jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nuttin’.
We ought to do dis more often.'
Trosclair say, ' Yeah, well dey's just one t’ing.'
'What's that?'
'Have you passed gas yet?'
'No.'
'Well, DON'T - cause I'm in Shreveport!'
Boudreaux and Trosclair were a couple of drinking buddies who
Worked as aircraft mechanics at de Bayou Teche, Louisiana, International
Airport. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the
Hangar with nothing to do.
Boudreaux say, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'
Trosclair say, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink de jet fuel and
Get a buzz.’
So dey pour demselves a couple of Jet A and get completely smashed.
De next morning Boudreaux wake himsef’ up and is surprise at how good he
Feel.
In fact he feel GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nuttin!
Then de phone ring. It's Trosclair. Trosclair say, 'Hey, how you are
This morning?'
Boudreaux say, 'Man, I feel great, how bout you?'
Trosclair say, 'I feel great, too. You don' have a hangover ?'
Boudreaux say, 'No dat jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nuttin’.
We ought to do dis more often.'
Trosclair say, ' Yeah, well dey's just one t’ing.'
'What's that?'
'Have you passed gas yet?'
'No.'
'Well, DON'T - cause I'm in Shreveport!'
Excellent