Jokes thread

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Tom had been in Police work for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Western Australia as far from civilization as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation there's a knock at the door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"Name's Cliff, I'm your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a party Friday night. Thought you might like to come..." "Great!" says Tom "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you".

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. There'll be some drinking". "Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n likely gonna be some fighting too." "Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again."

"More 'n likely be some wild sex too." "Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?" "Don't much matter" said Cliff. "Just gonna be the two of us."
 
saw this today
drug dog.webp
 
chuck norris walked into a forrest...it was petrified.
 
I hope this is ok. If not let me know i will delete it.

Bear and a rabbit s***ting in the woods. Bear looks at the rabbit and says "rabbit, do you have a problem with s*** sticking to your fur?" Rabbit says "No... Why?"...So the bear picks him up and wipes his butt.

Thank you, thank you......No really.....No applause please.
 
Saw this in someone's signature line on MUD.....thought it was funny:

"Much like a cat or hot buttered toast, the correct side will always try to land down. Therefore, if a bezel is installed upside down, the natural force of it trying to right itself may cause you to roll your cruiser unexpectedly"
 
A neighborhood bar got lots of traffic . Cars swerved in and the drivers would run inside and only to reappear minutes later looking confused. One reason might have been the sign outside:

"Free beer, topless bartender and false advertising"
 
Heard this one monster inc laugh floor in Disney :

What do you call a chicken coup with 4 doors...

A sedan .

Hey, it's for the keeds..
 
Stolen from the WT forum:

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad
bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried
about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, 'What were you and Dad doing?'
The mother replies, 'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes
I have to get on top of it and help flatten it...'
'Your wasting your time,' said the boy.
Why is that?' the mom asked puzzled.
'Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her
knees and blows it right back up again.'
 
Redneck word #2

man-aze


Man-aze uh lotta hawt wives in 'is here club.
 
Chuck Norris couldn't beat Bruce lee...so he invented racism.
 
How much is a brain worth?

Standard pricing procedure




In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.



'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN.'



The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, 'How much will a brain cost?'



The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a Democrat's brain; $200 for a Republican's brain.'



The moment turned awkward. Some of the Democrats actually had to 'try' to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the Republicans. A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the Democrats brain so much more than a Republicans brain?'



The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the Republicans' brains a lot lower because they're used.
 
Recession hits everybody...

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford
batteries.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of
pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call
them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their
children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they
re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali
pirates.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.
*Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated
by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs,
my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the
Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them
I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck
 
Not necessarily a joke, but a true story: A pigeon somehow got in and was loose in the plant yesterday, sitting up in the rafters and crapping all over. However, the company forbids firearms on the property, and the production manager is one of those 'don't harm even a bug' type, so our hands were tied...

End of the day, most people are leaving for home, and I go into the parts room and find a compressed air gun used for blowing dirt and dust around for cleaning. It's got a 4 foot barrel on it, and I gave it to the 2nd shift supervisor who had vowed to have the lousy bird 'disappeared' by morning.

I come back this morning and am walking around the plant when a guy calls me over and tells me to go look for the pigeon in a particular corner of the plant. I go over there and about keel over and die laughing - there's a perfect blood spatter on the wall about 15 feet up, and on the ground about 10 feet away where it landed!! Later on the supervisor tracks me down and hands me a couple of homemade bullet-shaped plastic slugs, smiles, and says "we got 'em!"

Never a dull moment at that place. :hhmm:

Brian
 
FineWynsFJ40 said:
Not necessarily a joke, but a true story: A pigeon somehow got in and was loose in the plant yesterday, sitting up in the rafters and crapping all over. However, the company forbids firearms on the property, and the production manager is one of those 'don't harm even a bug' type, so our hands were tied...

End of the day, most people are leaving for home, and I go into the parts room and find a compressed air gun used for blowing dirt and dust around for cleaning. It's got a 4 foot barrel on it, and I gave it to the 2nd shift supervisor who had vowed to have the lousy bird 'disappeared' by morning.

I come back this morning and am walking around the plant when a guy calls me over and tells me to go look for the pigeon in a particular corner of the plant. I go over there and about keel over and die laughing - there's a perfect blood spatter on the wall about 15 feet up, and on the ground about 10 feet away where it landed!! Later on the supervisor tracks me down and hands me a couple of homemade bullet-shaped plastic slugs, smiles, and says "we got 'em!"

Never a dull moment at that place. :hhmm:

Brian
Click to expand...

Most excellent.
 
Dear Internal Revenue Service:


Enclosed you will find my 2010 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes.

Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper, dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat.

I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6) hammers valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00.

Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return.

You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5 " Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws). One screw is enclosed for your convenience.

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,

A Satisfied Taxpayer
 
Bodean said:
Dear Internal Revenue Service:


Enclosed you will find my 2010 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes.

Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper, dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat.

I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6) hammers valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00.

Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return.

You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5 " Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws). One screw is enclosed for your convenience.

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,

A Satisfied Taxpayer
Click to expand...

Ive had a few :beer: as it's Friday night.....but THAT is some funny s***......my wife is still giggling.......well done BHOO DEEAAN
 
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