Monday Chuckle (5 Viewers)

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A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. "His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the agent said, "Watch this."
He told Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the
agent's arm. The agent said, "Good boy", and he turned to the man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

"Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man.
Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" said his seat mate.
The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to s*** all over the place.

The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb."

:flamingo:
 
Even tho it's not monday....

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this
HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down, and says: '7
feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner
Brown.'

The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and
brings him to, shaking him.. The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?'


In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'

The big dude says: 'I saw your look and figured I'd just give you the
answers to the questions everyone always asks. I'm 7 feet tall. I weigh
350
pounds. I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and
my
name is Turner Brown.'

The small guy says: 'Turner Brown. Sweet Jesus, I thought you said,

'Turn around.'
 
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

:flamingo:
 
Hey...
I resemble that remark!
;)
N


I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

:flamingo:
 
image001.jpg
 
Well, it's not Monday but...

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.

You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
< /FONT>Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:< /FONT>
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent.
 
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even...nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

:flamingo:
 
DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS

:flamingo:
 
Dating in 1957


It's the summer of 1957 and Butch goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.

Butch's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.

When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in.

"Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?"

Peggy Sue's mother asks Butch what they're planning to do.

Butch replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Butch and he says, "Whaaaat?" :eek:

"Yes," says Peggy Sues mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we ! let her !"

Butch's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. :D Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. :bounce:

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost with breathless anticipation, Butch escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Butch. ;)

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:
"Dammit, Mom! It's the Twist! It's called The Twist!"


:lol::lol:
 
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the Wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologise, and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: Glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A large black man was sitting on the coach asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh..yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.
You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you one wish, but if you don't mind, I will keep the last one for myself.
"Wow, that's great" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life and now you young lady what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
"Well since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"No kidding." He said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?

:flamingo:
 
Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a
Marine are all walking together one day. They come
across a lantern ...

And a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you
one wish, which is three wishes in total", says the
Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will also
farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in
Canada"

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in
Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around
Afghanistan , Pakistan, Iraq, and Iran so that no infidels,
Americans, or Canadians can come in our precious land."

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye,
there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Marine says, "I am very curious. Please tell me
more about this wall." The Genie explains,
"Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick
and completely surrounds those countries. Nothing can get in or out;
it's virtually impenetrable."

The Marine sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says,
"Fill it with water."

:flamingo:
 
A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Bonham, Texas.
He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, you go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.
The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."



Chris:cool:
 
Yesterday a woman answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed little man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

We'll call him Nolan...

'Good morning,' said the little man. 'If I could take a couple
of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very
latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!' the woman said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the Nolan wedged his foot in the door and
pushed wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you
have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied
a bucket of horse manure onto the living room carpet.

'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this
horse manure from your carpet, Ma'm , I will personally eat the
remainder.'


The woman stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a good appetite, 'cause they turned off my electricity this morning.

What part of 'broke' do you not understand?




Chris:cool:
 
Question from Canada

We in Canada cannot figure out why you are even bothering to hold an election in the USA .

On one side, you have a bitch who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, running against a lawyer who is married to a bitch who is a lawyer.

On the other side, you have a war hero married to a good looking
woman with big tits who owns a beer distributorship.

Is there a contest here?





Kinda solves the whole question on who needs to be voted for!!!!


Susan :flamingo:
 
Morris and his wife Ester went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say,
'Ester, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.

'Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said,
'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride.
If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you!
But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fan cy maneuvers,
but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Ester fell out,
but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

:flamingo:
 
Little Kowboy been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.' Little Kowby just said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called bunk beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'




Chris:cool:
 
BUENOS DIAS!

JOU HABE YUST RECEIBED A MEHICAN BYRUS. SIN WE HABE NO GOOD TECHNIOLOGICALLY
ADBANCE IN MEHICO, DEES IS A MANUAL BYRUS. PLEESE DELETE ALL JOUR FILES ON
JOUR HARDT-DRIBE JOURSELF AND SEND THEES E-MAIL TO EBERYONE JOU KNOW. TANK
JOU FOR HALPING ME.

JULIO MANUEL JOSE FELIPE GONZALO JORGE RODRIGUEZ-Jones
(MEHICAN HACKER)
 

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