Monday Chuckle (3 Viewers)

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The main reason why Big Ben will never be as good as Tony Romo.

Romo Fan

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Big Ben Fan

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A Government study found the average American walks 900 miles year.

Another study found Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a
year.

That means, on average, Americans get 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind of makes you proud to be an American
 
Christmas Tequila Cookies

1 c of dark brown sugar
1 c (2 sticks) butter
1 c of granulated sugar
4 large eggs
2 c of dried fruit, such as dried cranberries or raisins
1 tsp salt
1 tsp fresh lemon juice
1 c coarsely chopped walnuts or pecans
2 c all-purpose flour
1 bottle Patron Gran Platinum Tequila
Instructions

Take a large bowl, sample the Patron Gran Platinum Tequila to be
sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer... beat one cup of butter in a large bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.

At this point it's best to make sure the Patron is still OK, try
another cup, just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and
chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the frigging fruit off
floor...Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the etrrs,
just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the Patron to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something.

Check the Patron.

Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a
schpoon of sugar, or somefink... whatever you can find. Grease the
oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't
forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window,

FINISH the Patron Gran Platinum Tequila and make sure to put the
stove in the dishwasher.
 
Dog For Sale : free to good home.

Excellent guard dog.

Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat.

Most of them knew him as 'Holy s***!'

I've attached a picture below
















Dog.jpg
 
Have you ever wondered where the Phrase "You Gotta Be s***tin' Me" came from?

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our Country way back when, George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops. There were 33 [remember this number] in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.
Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters [remember this name] and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading. Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.
Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites. Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.
Another hour later, one of his men said, "General,I see lights ahead."
They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know, was that this was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve all who came. General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.
Washington was the first to speak,"Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort."
Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, "Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?"
Washington replied, "Well, madam, there are 32 of us without Peters."
And the Madam said, "You gotta be s***tin' me"

:flamingo:
 
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."
"Perfect," her husband said." I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you."

:flamingo:
 
Good Ad....
;)
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A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?"
After quickly downing his drink, the man replied "I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend."
"Wow" exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple, "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house."
As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him "What did you do?"
"I walked over to my wife" the man replied, "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to get the hell out."
"That makes sense" said the bartender, "but what about your best friend?"
The man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said 'bad dog!'"

:flamingo:
 
A traveling salesman visiting a small town in rural Texas saw a circus banner reading: "Don't Miss The Amazing Texan". The salesman was curious, so he bought a ticket. The tent went dark. Suddenly, trumpets blared, the lights came up, and all eyes turned to the center ring. There was revealed a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to the table was an old retired cowboy. Suddenly, the old cowboy unzipped his jeans, whipped it out, and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause, and the elderly Texan was carried off on their shoulders.
Ten years later, the salesman visits the same little town, and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same banner warning: "Don't Miss the Amazing Texan". He can't believe the old guy is still alive, much less still doing his act. So he buys a ticket.
Again, when the center ring is illuminated, there stand the table and the old cowboy. But this time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are placed on the table. The old guy stands before them, then suddenly unzips his fly, whips it out, and smashes the coconuts with three amazing swings. The crowd goes wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with him after the show. "You're incredible," he tells the old Texan, "but I have to know something. You're older now, so why in the world would you switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well," says the old cowboy, "my eyes ain't what they used to be."

:flamingo:
 
Fifteen reasons why men have dogs and not wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.

7. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

8. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

9. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

10. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died, would you get another dog?'

11. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

12. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

13. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

14. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

15. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
 
1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last thinks the slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some p eople have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try miss ing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck happened?"

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
 
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