Another Hat Retiring
If you’ve read my essay on
hats, you know what I mean. If you haven’t, I think it’s a thousand words worth the time.
So, before I left the office yesterday to visit my sister, I told Onur that I had a hunch that it might be the last time I see her. My analysis of the situation was off, but the conclusion was eerily accurate.
I was under the impression that I would be picking up some of the family belongings that my sister was not interested in taking with her in her impending move and retirement to Florida at the end of April. But as it turned out, it was a more fateful day for me to show up than either of us imagined.
Her husband has been in a long, painfully slow decline from cancer for several years now. As fate had it, a hospice worker from the government (not sure exactly which level) came to her home while I was there, spent half an hour in private with my sister and bedridden BIL. I did not realize what was happening until she emerged from the bedroom ashen. They had told her she did not need to try and get him to eat any more. The end is close.
We went to lunch, and she shared with me the emotional whiplash she has been going through the last six months trying to be a supportive wife as her husband has vacillated between wanting to live and wanting to die. ONE DAY SOONER, I would have had no frame of reference with which to begin to process such a mind-boggling concept.
But as fate had it, my son loaned me a book two weeks ago, Dave Grohl’s autobiography The Storyteller. JUST TUESDAY I got to the part where Kurt Cobain committed suicide. Unbeknownst to me, Kurt had ODed in Rome a month before that, and someone had called Dave to break the news of Kurt’s death to him. As Dave tells it, he collapsed in anguish under the weight of the news, only to be whiplashed a short time later when someone else called to say Kurt was still alive.
As Dave relates in the book, the emotional whiplash was so intense that he was unable to mourn the actual suicide a month later.
I shared this with my sister as evidence of providence, in that I had a frame of reference with which to understand emotional whiplash that I literally did not have one day earlier. She agreed and added that it was equally an act of providence that I came yesterday , so that I could be there for her when she walked out of that room. Her children are already living on the east coast, as well as her BFF. The one person who was still here to ‘be there’ for her was. I got to wear the big brother hat one last time.
What about the funeral you might wonder? Well, she made arrangements for burial plots in New Jersey since her kids are there, so in keeping with orthodox laws, she and the body of her late husband will be promptly headed for the east coast. I told my wife several years ago when my nephews married that I have no plans to visit. Their religious orthodoxy is worlds apart from my open-ended spirituality.
So that may be that.
As always, it would be nice if you hit the like button to let me know you stopped by.