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Texican

Texican

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10 Year 15 Year 20 Year OG
Joined
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A Mexican, an Iraqi, and a redneck girl are in the same bar. When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice." The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either." The redneck girl, calm as can be, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, "In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."
 
So A Guy Walks Into...

An adult store to buy a blow up doll.

The clerk says, "Can I help You?"

"Yeah, I want a blow up doll"

"Male or female?"

"Female.."

"Black or white?"

"White"

"Christian or Muslum?"

"What the Hell difference does that make?"






















"Well, the Muslum ones blow themselves up."
 
There were three gals who were getting married and all met at
the marriage counselor's office to discuss the options of
having or not having a baby
right away. There were two city gals and one farm gal.

The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby
right away or were going to wait awhile. They all agreed that
they had discussed this with their
potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile.

Well, the counselor asked the first gal what type of birth
control she planned to use. Her answer was, "The rhythm
method."
"That will work," said the counselor, "if you keep a good
record."
I plan on using birth control pills," she said.
I won't forget to take them."

He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on
using. Her answer was, "The pail and saucer method."

After a short delay, he told her that should also work.
He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date
for a follow up on how things were going.

They all met again one year later and the two city gals were
pregnant. Only the farm gal was slim and trim yet.

Well, the counselor asked the first gal what method she used
and what went wrong. She replied, "I used the rhythm method but
somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to
have a baby."

He asked the second city gal what method she used and she
replied, "The birth control pill. But we were camping one
weekend and I didn't have my pills with
me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby."

He turns to the farm gal. "I vaguely remember you were going
to use the pail and saucer method. Now I must admit that I
don't have a clue what the pail and saucer
method is.. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked
well for you?"

She replied, "Well we make love standing up, and since I am
quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail turned
upside down. Now as we are making
love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as
saucers, I kick the pail out from under him."
 
A woman goes to her doctor's office,to discuss a strange development. She has discovered a green spot on the inside of each thigh. They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse.
The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until he gets the tests back.
A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor.
She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.
The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy--there's no problem. But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"
The woman stammers, "Why, Yes, but how did you know?"
"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."

:flamingo:
 
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.
The old man slowly looked down between his legs then back at him and said,
'Well... Last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.
'This is your grandma's idea.

:flamingo:
 
A man woke up after a late night out on the town. He got out of bed to go and take a piss. When he looked down he saw to rings on his weenie. The first one was red and the second one was brown. He could not remember what had happened last night, so he went to his doctor to find out what the problem was. The doctor said he didn't know and so he took samples of each one and told the man he would call him when the results came in. A few days later the mans phone rang and it was the doctor. The man asked what the tests showed and the doctor said. "Well I've got some good news and some bad news." The man said, "well leet me hear the good news first."
The doctor replied, " The good news is that the first ring on your ding ding is just red lip stick." The man was very relieved. Then he asked what the bad news was, and the doctor said, "Well the second ring is Copenhagein.
 
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She
was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching,
so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys
applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought
long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire
the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house
than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a
lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch
was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have
done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into
town and kick up your heels. " The hired hand readily agreed and went
into town on Saturday night.

He returned around 2:30am, and upon entering the room, he found the
rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting
for him.

She quietly called him over to her.


"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she
directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly
by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching
her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was
told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town
again, you're fired."
 
Harry and Sally had been married for 42 years. Harry died and Sally had him cremated. She took Harry's ashes back to the house, sat out on the patio with him. She spread his ashes on the table and was talking to him. She said "Harry, remember that new car you promised me?" "Well I bought one with the insurance money. Harry, remember that big diamond ring you promised me? Well I bought one with the insurance money. Then she said "Harry, remember the blow job I promised you? Here it is":eek::eek:
 
A very loud, unattractive, mean woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"


"I'm neither blind nor stupid", replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice.":eek:
 
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This morning on the way to work I rear-ended a car at a stop light, not
really paying attention.
:eek::eek:


Anyway the fella who was driving got out. And he was a dwarf! :bounce::bounce:



He said "I'm not happy"
:frown::frown:


I said "Well, which one are you then?" :D:D
 
A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches
the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says,
"I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie,"

The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes
of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out
on the course. What I will do for you is this. We just
got 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing
to take one with you out on the course and if you
will come back and tell me how well it works, your
round of golf is on me today"

The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He
approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and
said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job."

The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No
sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club
for this hole."

Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made
good contact with the ball, and the ball landed
about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the
green.

The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked
him for his assistance.

As the golfer pulled out his putter, he said, "I think
this green is gonna break left to right." The robot then
again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green
will break right to left."

Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his
prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine.
He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the
robot and his advice.

But his luck didn't end there His entire game was the
best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of
the new robot golf caddie.

Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the
counter asked, "How was your game?" The golfer
stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played.
Thank you very much for letting me take one of your
robots. See you next week"

A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the
pro shop. Upon entering the pro shop he turned to the
man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes
of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please"

The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the
man and said, "Well, the 18 holes is no problem. However,
we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints."

Confused, the golfer cried, "COMPLAINTS? Who in
the hell could've complained about those robots? They
were incredible"

The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance.
It was that they were shiny silver metal, and the glare from
the machine was blinding to other golfers on the fairway."

The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"

The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. And then four
of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, and
the other two robbed the pro shop"
 
Difference Between a Republican and a Democrat

Fred Thompson and Hillary were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican, Fred Thompson, gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his office for a job. He then took $20 out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

Hillary was very impressed, so when they came to another homeless person, she decided to help. She walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. She then reached into Thompson's pocket and got out $20. She kept $15 for her administrative fees and gave the homeless person $5...

Now, do you understand the difference?
 
An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found
a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.
"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.
"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"
"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize." And the golfer walks off.
"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."
A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods; and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."
"Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"
"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out
$100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!"
"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."
"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."
"What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"
"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a priest in a small parish."

:flamingo:
 
A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime. They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.
As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, "Gee she's fat!"
The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet.
A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as they would go and announced; "I'll bet her butt is this wide!"
The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy.
The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.
After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line.
Just then her pager begin to emit a beep, beep, beep.
The little boy yells out, "Run, she's backing up!!"

:flamingo:
 
:d:d:d:d:d:d
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