Tools and their uses (1 Viewer)

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pappy

photosynthesizing
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Many people have a collection of tools in their possession but are not aware of what these tools can do. Here is a proven list of what is accomplished with these tools:

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ‘Oh sh — ‘

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VICE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to round off bolt heads entirely. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. (And the inside of my garage can prove it.)

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50¢ part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object you are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMM-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ‘DAMM-IT’ at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
 
Hope you don't mind but I copied this and sent it to all my coworkers that have ever used tools. I didn't take credit for the list though. Is this all original work or did some of it come from another source?
 
Not my list. Somebody at work sent it to me. Problem is ... I could relate to many of those.
 
Jon - Some good ones! Thanks for sharing.
 
Many people have a collection of tools in their possession but are not aware of what these tools can do. Here is a proven list of what is accomplished with these tools:

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

Not on the funny list of ways, but it did help me unplug my sewer line. Some parts are funny preluding(sp?) to the point where we tried this. Hey the thread title said "Tools and thier uses" so :flipoff2: off. It worked and I don't care how :hillbilly: I can be.
 
Can you explain how a floor jack helped you unplug your sewer line?
 
Can you explain how a floor jack helped you unplug your sewer line?

Well when the plumber couldn't clear the line through the bathroom, we went through the roof. The machine was too big and heavy to carry up there so we left it on the ground. He attached 50' more of the snake to make sure it would reach to the street. Well that 50' broke off in my sewer line with the tip. Didn't want to leave it because if stuff starts catching on, it would only plugg up again. We dug a hole in the front to the top of the line, punched a hole in it and found the snake. Since it was one of those big ass heavy duty snakes there was no way we could pull it out by hand. So I put 2x4's across the hole and put the jack above hooked a tow strap to the snake and started jacking it out. Had to do that about four or five times before we got enough out to pull the rest out by hand. I thought an engineer would have been able to figure that out. :rolleyes:
 
Uh, yeah. Of course I figured it out. I just thought others might be having trouble.
 

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