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Survival Guide for Pooping at the Office (obviously Chat)

Discussion in 'KS/MO- Tornado Alley Cruisers' started by trainrech, Jul 11, 2005.

  1. trainrech

    trainrech

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    We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in

    our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we

    try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those

    who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a poop

    at work:



    CROP DUSTING



    When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in

    your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came

    from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been

    expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.



    FLY BY



    The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for

    other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back

    again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become

    suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.





    ESCAPEE



    A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in

    a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If

    you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If

    you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear

    it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a

    joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.



    JAILBREAK



    When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is

    usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do

    not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare

    everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.





    COURTESY FLUSH



    The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This

    reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This

    can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.



    WALK OF SHAME



    Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk

    up the bathroom.. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks

    in and busts you.. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does



    OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER



    A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an

    Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine

    under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet

    Pooper before entering the bathroom.





    THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)



    A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off

    without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out



    SAFE HAVENS A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can

    least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite

    sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the

    bathroom.



    TURD BURGLAR



    Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force

    the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that

    can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall

    until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye

    contact.





    CAMO-COUGH



    A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in

    a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential

    Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.



    ASTAIRE



    A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are

    occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If

    you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop

    in peace.



    WATERMELON



    A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is

    also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a

    diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

    HAVANAOMELET



    A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet

    water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an

    Astaire.



    UNCLE TED



    A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended

    lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted

    makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait

    to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other

    bathroom attendees.
     
  2. Cruisin'Carolina

    Cruisin'Carolina

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    Funny. Is this limited to your club or something?

    I used to work in an office, and all of the women would go to another floor to poop.

    Funny thing was, the women on the other floors would come to our floor I guess for the same thing.
     
  3. Chef

    Chef

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    Dude, you got issues.